I need your guys opinions!?

When my Husband and I got married we were planning to finish school, work a while and have children. All of the sudden he wants to get his PHD. I am supportive, but he doesn't want to have kids till he is completley done(understandably). I will be 37-40 when he gets done, I def. do not want to wait that long to have kids. I told him this and he said, if he has to choose, he would choose his career over me? I understand things change and I have more than flexible with the children issue more than once, as well as other issues. I just want to know what you guys think about this?! I really appreciate it!

I'm 20 and he is 24, so we have plenty of time, lol. But the thing that scares me, is the fact that he already is saying he would choose his career over me?!


He has spoken with several professors that have done or are doing their disseration for 10-20 yrs. I'm really not sure if this infact is true.

11 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    He says he'll choose his career over you.... how about you choose having children with someone else over him? Plenty of men take PhDs and have kids while they're studying.

    There's nothing wrong with him wanting to have a career, but your own needs aren't being met, are they? You say you have been "more than flexible" over the children issue and other things. I have a gut feeling that you give in to him over nearly everything, and thus, he has little respect for you, and you don't have a real voice in this relationship.

    Marriages are about healthy compromises! Any man who is cold enough to tell you his career comes first, as an excuse not to have kids, well..... I'll leave you to make up your mind. It's your life, after all.

    Good luck x

  • 1 decade ago

    He is taking as much time as you let him basically, or better said, you are allowing in your life. If you can wait until you are 55, that would be the time. I wont blame the guy for have been honest with you on choosing his career over his wife, if you think wisely, that's the right thing to do, because a career will only break a deal with a wife that doesn't love you very much or is selfish.

    I would recommend to give him all the time he needs to work on his career and accomplish his dreams, and you have children between your 25 and 30 of age. That means consider a separation and understand you may have married a good person, but you just married wrong. Find someone who would be interested on being a father and would like to instead be done with a phd, be done with a family at the age of 30 which is a good age, and also that person can have a phd, or other kinds of degree and pursue his ambitions. Sorry for not support the union of you guys, but I think you both would be better and happier by being separate, it's pretty obvious to me. Sometimes you just have to choose between a cake with one flavor or the other, you can't really have two. Make you wait until 37/40 is not fair for you, quit his career and dreams is not fair either.

    I wouldn't recommend an ultimatum and make him choose between career and you, because you guys can split in the future, and it will be sad for him to see himself single again in life, in his 40s, without the degree he always wanted. He needs to be single, just dating a college girl on weekends, while he study a lot during the week. You need a husband ready for a family.

  • 1 decade ago

    I feel he is simply being honest with you. His career is his passion in life and to even ask him what he would choose is unfair; no one should have to choose their love of their career or their spouse.

    He may very well change his mind about having children before he is through getting his degree. He is young right now and focused on building a career with a future. Ask him about this again in a couple of years. Think he wants to be certain he can provide well for a family and be able to take the time to be a good father.

    He loves you or he wouldn't have been so honest with you. Look, 37 years old is not too old to start a family; many do so, but I can bet you two will have a child before this age.

  • 1 decade ago

    PhD typically takes between 5-7yrs depending on subject. You are very young at 20 to be making the kind of ultimatums that you seem to about children. There is plenty of time - stop fretting. However, I would have doubts as to whether you marriage will survive with one of you already saying outside interests are more important. Perhaps you have made a mistake by committing to a lifelong relationship before either of you had really considered the implications. If you've had difficulty working this out I doubt there'll be a PhD for either of you in the offing.

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  • 1 decade ago

    I think that he is thinking too far into the future,although you say you dont want to wait that long to have kids im sure you wont be that age,people change and babies almost always come when one isnt trying to get pregnant, so theres my word in that part.

    as for him saying he would choose his career over you,mmaybe he's not the guy to have kids with anyway!! thatw wrong of him,you too are married and i would assume that compromise should come with marriage,i would be totally offended if i were you!! Geez, dont make any snap decisions right now,sit down and have a talk with him thoroughly,try to understand each others point of view.Maybe kids in a few years?! Within that time,you get to know and find out who he truly is,and whether or not he's the person your suppose to have kids with.

    Think about it!!

    BEST of Luck to U.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Welcome to marriage. Not quite the fairy tale. Before you make any other brilliant decisions you need the facts of life:

    1. There is no Santa

    2. There might be a Bigfoot

    3. All men cheat, almost all women cheat

    4. Marriage ruins relationships (moving in is the same)

    5. Everyone lies (you even lie to yourself)

    6. Life is not fair

    Good luck and Happy Holidays. Email me

    if you want to hear the truth. You can ask me anything.

    I don't lie.

  • George
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    The issue here is that he is not part of a mutually loving marriage. He is telling you it is his way or the highway. Who wants to be in this type of a relationship. This is never an acceptable way to act in a marriage. He is either immature and does not realize he is being a jerk or he is doing it on purpose and is just a plain old jerk. I suggest you leave him and let him reconsider his priorities. Unless he is willing to be a partner in this marriage it will be torture for you and you will waste a lot of years on him. Don't assume he will change or you will change him....it is just a big rationalization that you will regret.

    Be strong, and good luck.

  • 5 years ago

    1. Smart 2. Nice 3. Caring 4. Respectable 5. Gets along gets good with my friends 6. Attractive (but that's only a plus) 7. Athletic (again only a plus)

  • 1 decade ago

    Not true. Most colleges have a limit of 7 years to work on a Ph.D. Not very many people take that long usually it takes a maximum of 4 years unless you are just dragging your feet. If he has to do a masters add 3 years. 7 years max all together.

    Source(s): Have a Ph.D., and a professor.
  • 1 decade ago

    I think his priority's are right at the moment..seeing how you are both still young. Give him a couple more years.. he may change his mind..I can't guarantee it..but if you really love him and he really loves you..it'll all work out!! Good Luck!

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