stars asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 1 decade ago

i wrote this poem. be honest. tell me wat u think.?

A Dreamers tale

Gentle as a mocking bird,

These dreams of mine come to me with out a word.

Inputting scenes into my head,

During the day or when i'm in bed.

They swirl, swish, swoosh, and twirl,

Brining me images from when I was a little girl.

Taking me back to those good old days,

And filling me up in so many ways.

But good things don’t always last,

Just when you were having a blast.

Creatures swarm into your mind,

Making your teeth grit and grind.

Ugly thought come to call,

Sending you up a wall.

Shaking, twitching, tossing, and screaming,

All come from bad dreaming.

These nightmares wreck perfect dreams,

And their specialty is ripping you at the seams.

They take over all your thoughts,

Until you’re at a loss.

Then when you think your going to die,

You wake up to see the bright sun in the sky.

Full of hope as a new day begins,

Good daydreams will always win.

Update:

thanks! nd im 13 too so i guess that says something=] i dunno=] lol thanks!

4 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    It's good, but I agree with the first guy. Some of your rhymes sound forced and very childish. The whole swirl swoosh and twirl bit also sounds childish.

    If you would make it sound more "grown up" it's meaning would be clearer, and it would be better overall.

  • 1 decade ago

    I like it. Its good. The only thing I would change is the rhyming. It sounds almost... 5 year old at times. Try to "pull a Poe" as my LA teacher says. Rhyme but make it work. It doesnt have to be

    AA BB. It can be ABBCAC. Fool around with it until you like it. Other than that, Its very theatrical and good. I love the last two lines!

  • hey erin.. since you are my friend, rate mine 2!!!

    i like yours very sweet.

    For you,

    my watchguard, my friend.

    though you are gone,

    you will be remembered till the end.

    So it's cutains to you,

    a personality like a buffoon, and strength like a snowplow.

    now I saw my final words,

    while you take your final bow.

    So it's curtains to you,

    you are my breath of fresh air, and the loyal and the dependable.

    so just go away, I'm done,

    though you are still with me, like a cookie, you crumble.

    Still, it's curtains to you,

    "good girl," you've caught the frisbee.

    always watching us in my room.

    parting the deceased, it's not so easy.

    With your tremendous tickling, and tasting tongue,

    snooping around like a pirate searching for treasure.

    Yes, it's curtains to you,

    always beside me forever.

    No, you can't leave,

    not with your boogying booty and beautiful ears.

    Don't let the curtains close,

    not even through all these years.

    Some words to you,

    I'll remember you, only if you do now and then.

    I realize finally it's curtains to you,

    my emotions continue to deepen.

    Now, my buddy,

    realize this world was your curtain

    you can now exceed the old,

    on the threshold of anew.

    the curtains close quickly, you must go,

    my dog, you were great, and I'm very proud of you.

  • 1 decade ago

    That was fabulous. i felt everything you said, you help me relate to you. I loved it. 100% great

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