A question for married women?

My spouse and I have been together for 3 1/2 years, and married for 2. Lately I just feel like we are going through the motions and I am with him because I love him not because I am in love with him. He seems to think everything is the same, but I am bored out of my mind. I miss when we snuggled all day and couldn't wait to get home to each other. I guess I miss the lust in other words. Does this eventually fade or am I leading down the road to seperation? Do any of you ever feel the same way? I feel like a bad person because he does any and everything I ask him to. My friends say I am crazy because he is "a good man." I haven't cheated or anything like that and I am not going to, but what should I do to get that butterfly feeling back again?

Married people only please

15 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    You are bored because he is not a BAD BOY.

    He does everything that you ask him. We think in our minds that we really want a man like that, but chemistry and attraction actually prefers a bad boy.

  • 1 decade ago

    Ok, I'm currently not married. But was for 20 years and am currently in a committed relationship. Read the book The Five Languages of Love. It talks about what happens when the lust is over. It talks about why the lust ends.

    Yes, it happens to everyone to a certain degree. That's why working on having a great relationship is so important. When the lust fades and you're not "in love" any more, you need to have all that other great stuff.

    You could leave this marriage and find someone else who could even be just as good as he is and a few years down the road, end up right back here. That's the great thing about maturity. You've been there and done that and you understand the grass isn't always greener.

    Think long and hard about walking away from this. He does sound like a good man and they are hard to find. You need to work on bringing back some closeness, some spice, some fun into the marriage. It's possible and even though he acts like he's ok with everything, my guess is he'd be a whole lot better too if you both worked on paying each other a little more attention and having a little fun together from time to time.

    Good luck....

  • 1 decade ago

    Love isn't all butterflies! Love is a state of mind, a choice that you make! I think many people have a misconception of what love really is! You don't fall in and out of love! I've been married for 7 years. It isn't always butterflies! You have to work at romance! Your love will grow stronger! What's important is that you like each other, and are best friends! My husband and I have had our ups and downs, and we aren't always happy! But we are comitted to each other! When we got married, we made a vow to each other before God! Marriage is about each giving 100%! Try something new, go buy some lingerie! Most importantly, talk to your husband about this! Communication is the key element in a successful relationship! If you have a good man, hold on to him! They are few and far between!

    Source(s): Married 7 years, have 3 children under the age of 5!
  • 1 decade ago

    I think I understand what you're talking about. Honestly, I still haven't quite figured this one out for myself, but I think I'm starting to. Consider this: perhaps the "butterfly feeling" is not what makes a relationship last. From observing older married couples, it seems to me that the deeper friendship and kinship is what drives a successful long-term relationship - not so much lust or the "butterflies". My personal feeling is that if you're looking for lust to last, you will be disappointed every time; lust fades away - whereas the feeling of connection (hopefully) grows.

    Maybe you feel disconnected from your husband? Do you guys do a lot of things as a couple? Do you have things in common, interests you share? I think, shared passions are important. You don't have to share every single interest, but there should be enough commonality that you can enjoy doing things together - it brings you closer. My parents-in-law have been married for over 40 years, and they have a great relationship that I would best describe as a really close friendship. They both have their areas of interest - my MIL is active in her church, and my FIL loves coaching local crew teams - but they spend time together as a couple, and seem to enjoy each other's company. They do simple things - go out to dinner or dessert, sit down for a cup of coffee in a local café, kick back over the weekend in their lake house, entertain friends, spend time with their (grown) kids. I doubt they feel the "butterflies" like they probably did in the first few years of their relationship; but their strong bond is very evident. In my own marriage, I strive to focus on building this bond, this friendship - not so much on hanging on to the ephemeral "butterflies". There's a time and a place for everything, and some things nearly always have to give way to others; this is just life.

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  • 1 decade ago

    This is only my opinion of course, but unfortunately, this seems to happen to a lot of couples. All is great until you say I do. You start taking each other for granted, get stuck in a rut. I have been married 12 years now and we still miss each other when we are apart and cuddle every night(among other things). Send him flirty text messages through out the day. Try new things, have romantic dinners, go dancing. If it is meant to be, this should help. Lust fades, love is forever. However, not being "in love" with him isn't fair to you or him. Honestly, in this short period of time, if you aren't "in love" with him, you may have never been, it may, on your part, just have been lust and infatuation.

  • 1 decade ago

    Lust and passion is something you have to tend to costantly. With work, bills, kids etc., it's impossible really to keep that excitement you had at the beginning of the relationship unless you make a conscious effort to keep it going every day.

    My advice to you is not to wait on him. If you want more passion, project that. Don't need to spell it out for you. You're a big girl.

    What I do is little things like grab my husband's butt or talk dirty but in a playful way. We have a very playful kind of best friend relationship and we are very passionate when the time warrants it.

    I wouldn't worry about it. Just when you see him today, grab his crotch and say, "Can I get some of this?" Or whatever. Trust me. Any man will get turned on if you make him feel like a sexual beast.

    Good luck.

  • 1 decade ago

    If you miss snuggling all day and flirting, then start snuggling and flirting. That is a mistake a lot of married people make. They figure we are married now, so we don't have to "date" anymore. Just because you say "I Do" doesn't' mean the fun should stop, or the flirting, or the cuddling, or anything you did before you were married.

    Marriage wasn't the final climax of your dating life, it was actually just the beginning.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Things do change when you get married but these things you mention do not have to. We we were dating we had sex all the time, all day everyday, whenever we were with each other we were always touching, holding hands, things that make other people puke! But now its been scaled down because we live together, because we have jobs, mortgage, different schedules etc. Instead of worrying that we wouldn't ever get back to doing all those crazy things we did when we were dating I took initiative. I realized that I hadn't been buying 'naughty' attire, or waiting for him in the bath tub when he got home from work. Things that used to start that all evening in bed stuff! be creative:) You are in control of all of that stuff, take charge and rock his world!

  • 1 decade ago


    I am married...for almost 4 years...known each other for 10. We go through these spells as well. We have one child..he is 2 years old and we often feel we get into such a repetitive rut. We HAVE to do things to spice it up. Literally, e plan things! We have date nights...we have husband/wife time only nights....we take car trips to a different city and eat new food nights....movies nights....we have taken classes together. Anything. You have to force it sometimes...force yourself to sign up for something new and exciting. It will refresh both of you. It is normal for both marrieds and singles to get into this very monatonaous life....but the best part is....we control ourselves...so only we can make it better. Good luck and email me if you need a friend.

  • 1 decade ago

    Every relationship has "pockets" . It doesn't mean that the lust is over..it means there are other distractions right now..yours, his or both.

    Make a date...a few days in advance..

    start calling him up at work and breathing...

    or flirting...

    leaving him panties on his stearing wheel for him to find in the morning...(just make sure you remember YOU left them so when you find them later you don't accuse him of cheating..lol)

    and...create the opportunity.

    You are married...you have done it nine ways til Sunday together..you know all his moves..he knows all yours...so...as long as your online..look up some NEW moves to try out on your date!!!!!

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