Yahoo Answers is shutting down on May 4th, 2021 (Eastern Time) and beginning April 20th, 2021 (Eastern Time) the Yahoo Answers website will be in read-only mode. There will be no changes to other Yahoo properties or services, or your Yahoo account. You can find more information about the Yahoo Answers shutdown and how to download your data on this help page.

Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Entertainment & MusicJokes & Riddles · 1 decade ago

2012. east end olympics?

As you know, London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in

2012.

What you may not know, is that many of the famous events which go to

make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012.

A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the

area, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be

contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the

stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been

particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the

events

have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT

Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one

in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be

released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden

fences, walls etc)

HAMMER

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to

use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most

physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible

in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING

A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first

target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors

will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or securicor style wages delivery

man. The traditional ..22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of

either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and

will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of

lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home.

The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and

take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away

from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT

As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the

Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding

and arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS

All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one

is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised,

please note that the Synchronised Swimming even for this year will comprise of

dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the

specific

musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve".

THE MARATHON

A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50km WALK

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot

guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially

anyone that appears to be mincing ...

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the

Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised

rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be

extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch

invasion by a confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself

will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove

all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

Late News:

Apparently Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to the

above but with the Pentathlon modified to include: Killing a spouse, digging a

hole, burying the body, laying a patio and the strangely named 'Calm Down'

contest.

To guarantee the entry of any Mancunian athletes at all, Drugs testing

has been waived this year.

Update:

please folks use the thumb features on the answers . thanks

14 Answers

Relevance
  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    these games will get my undivided attention,

  • 1 decade ago

    Excellent choice of events!!

    I couldn't give a toss about the Olympics OR the Football World cup , BUT I would definitely watch your version. Especially the Scousers greeting the opposition with a 'Kirkby Kiss'. Hopefully there will be a Scottish contingent -led by Rab C Nesbit?

    You forgot International TWOCing whereby contestants try to take other competitors cars & ring them

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    At least it will be more representative of modern times than that nancy Greek stuff (I've even been told that the men actually kiss and dance with each other while the women sit it out on the side lines!)

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Oooo they`re all good uns ha ha ha have a star

  • How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
  • ....
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    Now that is very interesting and is worth a star.

  • 1 decade ago

    very good - especially loved the 50km mincing !!!... i'm surprised they don't just use the M25 for that event!

  • 1 decade ago

    That's mean and nasty man!

    Exactly the way I like 'em!

    Good one...

  • 1 decade ago

    funny with a star.olympic games will get messed up

  • now that would be worth watching lol

    only kidding, interesting though.

  • 1 decade ago

    hehehe, another excellent one hun, pmsl, don't think i'd be any good at any of those events

    star time

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.