What do you think of my introduction?

I am writing a Gothic horror story, set in an inner city ghetto, that centers around gang crime. I've finished the introduction, and I would appreciate some reviews:

Everyone can remember being afraid, when they were young, of something unspeakable that lived in the dark. Most of them call it, ‘The Boogeyman’, a phrase that comes from an Irish slang word referring to a stalker who follows you home in the night. This childhood terror almost inevitably inhabits the darkest corners of their rooms, under the bed, in the closet, wherever they’re wandering, infant eyes can’t see.

When children get older, they realize that what they fear doesn’t really exist. The monster in the closet is an old shirt. The wooly hands under the bed are a pair of slippers, long discarded and left for the mice and spiders. Maybe facing childhood fears is an important part of growing up, because you can certainly never function in the world if you’re terrified that there’s something lurking in every


shadow, watching you as you sleep.

The only problem with overcoming these frightening fantasies is that you can sometimes forget that maybe there really is something out there, in the hidden corners of the night, where few men dare to travel. Maybe there really is something to fear.

In my experience, most of the things that seek refuge in the shadows aren’t monsters, or, at least, not the kind that hides under your bed. Since three years ago, when I got my police uniform (complete with polished black shoes and a shiny, silver badge) from the Fort Red City Police Department, I’ve found that most of the monsters are people.

8 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Not bad. But you have some punctuation and syntax issues here and there. Read it aloud. Some of the sentences would sound better in a different order. Simplify a little. Contemporary Gothic is a very interesting concept. Some out there have done it quite well. Give it a shot.

    No, I don't think you switch from third to first person. I think in the beginning, the cop is just talking, kind of in a prologue form. And it is fine that way. That isn't a POV violation.


    They're, Their, There - Three Different Words.

    Careful or you may wind up in my next novel.

    Pax - C

  • 1 decade ago

    You are starting with exposition. This can be a killer when trying to sell it to a publisher.

    It is usually preferred to 'get the reader involved' in the plot first. Maybe by introducing an immediate situation, or a character.

    On the other hand, you do this well, and it does make the reader curious. I wouldn't go on too long, though, before jumping into the plot.

  • Kari H
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    You switch back and forth from 1st to 3rd person. I, you, they, etc. And the Bogeyman sentence feels a little to scientific for the rest of the "feel" of the story.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    it is good but when you describe the boggyman dont say were it is from. and you need to wright more about what the story is about!!! like in the last sentence wright one or two things what happens or name a character

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  • 1 decade ago

    Me and my friend Lilith are going to answer this. k? k.

    ~Football Funkie~: i liked it. it was very descriptive and well writen and i would like to read more but you prob. won't put it on here and i am not usually in to these types of stories but, yeah, it was good! goood job! (~~)

    Lilith: WOW! i read a Lot of stories like tis...and i tink tat tis prob. is the best intro yet...(not lyin!)

    Source(s): us, ggggooooooooddddd jjjooobbb!!!!!!!!
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I think it is good. Good luck with your book. If you plan on publishing it and are in USA and 18 or up you could try http://www.publishamerica.com/ . They are free but are print on demand publisher.

  • Perfect for your idea. When this gets published, I'm buying.

  • 1 decade ago

    its really GOOD BUTTTTTTTTTTTTT you should make it another story! doesnt fit ur topic in my opinion!

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