Based on this introduction, would you want to read the rest of my novel?

Introduction: The Last Word by Samuel Kitchen,

The sun dawned on another day. The pinkish light filled the air, and illuminated the smog swirling around the sleepy city, giving it a warm glow. As one, the industrial city of Loamston awoke, as did a certain Mr. Brown. "****, Am I still alive”. Yes…he was…alive; At least, he was alive enough to have to get up and work, which was bad enough. Mr Brown hated the morning, you were too groggy to realise who you were, but never to groggy to forgot how depressed you where. He finally mustered the strength too rase his hand out of the sheets and grab his small round spectacles. He went downstairs he quickly made a batch of scones and a cup of tea. It seemed to wake him up and drain all emotions from his soul, as jam scones usually do.

What do you think?

14 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Best Answer

    oh ya...

    { you konw if you ask that question...people will be nervous to say they don't like it...this doesn't apply to me though...}

    Great story so far i think...

  • Elissa
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    Probably not. Nothing in this introduction hooks me. It's all telling--Mr. Brown hated the morning. Scones and tea wake him up. There's no conflict or interaction.

    Show us how he's feeling. Show us what his house looks like. You have a very blank canvas here, other than sunrise and smog (which is much higher in the atmosphere generally, and tends not to swirl in the same way fog does). Brown's line of dialogue doesn't match the description--it doesn't sound groggy at all. Just unpleasant and a bit whiney.

    Besides the writing faults, the scene you've set is unbearably depressing. A polluted industrial town in which every individual wakes up at precisely the same time (making it seem like a dystopia or 1984-ish), and a main character whose every thought is about how he hates to be alive, hates work, and is drained of emotion (except hate and depression, obviously).

    I recommend you check out Evil Editor's blog at http://www.evileditor.blogspot.com/

    Writers submit openings and query letters, which EE and the blog readers then deconstruct, comment upon, and suggestion improvements for. Just by reading the blog and the issues that come up over and over again, you'll pick up on some of the problems with this opening. If you're brave enough, you can submit your own opening, as well.

    Source(s): Professional editor; Published author
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Not bad, but you make a few critical mistakes. Never start a novel with description. You need something to kick-start the action. It's better to start with "Am I stil alive?" thought Mr Brown.

    Also, you are telling the reader everything: describing every thought and action. It's better to break up the paragraph into sentences that SHOW what he is doing. The reader becomes too passive if you are teling them everything - it's the difference between watching a movie or reading a book.

    Moreover, there's no reason to read further. Here is man doing what everyone does every day. What's different about his life?

    Do you know the story "Metamorphosis" by Franz Kafka? The first line is something like: "Gregor Samsa woke up to discover that he had become a giant insect." Now THAT makes you want to continue.

    Try to tell a story only in dialogue. it's great practice for how to make a narrative really move. Shakespeare is a good guide.

  • 1 decade ago

    No, I wouldn't want to read the rest of it. Mr. Brown sounds boring and annoying. You have to give the reader a reason to like your protagonist. This may be the way that people behave in real life -- going through a boring routine, working a miserable job -- but that doesn't make it good material for a novel.

    If you're going to have a protagonist who's miserable, bored with his life, and trapped in an endless, soulless routine, there will have to be a reason for it. Is he paralyzed with grief for his dead wife? Is he paying off a debt to someone who'll have him killed if he reneges? Is he hoping for a promotion, or saving up money to buy a plane ticket to China, where he'll join a Buddhist monastery?

    I second other people's suggestions about starting with some action, too.

    I also second the recommendation of Evil Editor, and I suggest you look at the archives of Miss Snark (misssnark.blogspot.com). She has a feature called the Crapometer where she looks at first pages of people's novels. There's also a still-functioning version of the Crapometer at crapometer.blogspot.com where you can submit your stuff.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    hmm, i agree with lanthropdragon.

    Theres still some room for improvement; to me theres not much flow, and the bit about the depressing grogginess is a bit jarring (keep it in tho, i like where its going!) as well as the bit about "quickly making a batch of scones." How quickly can scones be made?! Never mind, im rambling...

    I would want to continue reading, just to see what was so unusual about Mr Browns day to warrant a story made out of it...

    Keep it up tho! Youve done more work on your novel than ive done on mine...

    ;)

  • 1 decade ago

    The writing is okay but to be honest this tells me NOTHING about the plot so there is nothing to interest me here because I have no idea where this is going. Maybe add details to the question about what the book is going to be about. But the writing isn't bad.....tame down the adjectives a little. Being descriptive is good but in the intro focus more on the book and less on the descriptive words.

  • 1 decade ago

    To tell the truth, no. I agree with Gerald M in that if you would have started the first line with "Am I still alive," it would have had more punch. I would think "Why does he think he's dead? What happened the night before?" There just isn't any "umphf" to the introduction to make me want to read more. It just sounds like a typical morning. I can discover that myself without losing myself in a story. In other words, what makes this morning any different than any other?

  • 4 years ago

    This is a great start :). It might need a little work though with some of words. You should edit it and take some words out to make it more powerful, but only if you want to of course. I would love to read more :D.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    It was a good intro.....I think you should fix up your grammar mistakes and I think you should describe Mr. Brown physically so that we can get a picture of what he looks like and the type of person he is..... keep up the good work.

    :)

  • 1 decade ago

    Try to be more concise and get to your point more quickly. In general, you only have a few seconds to grab someone's attention.

  • 1 decade ago

    its good but ur intro is everything so it has 2 hook ppl on n tell them what they want 2 know abt the plot...anything intriguing...anything that entices...thats how ur intro should b even if u r writing a short essay or a novel anything...

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