Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 1 decade ago

Any There Men Who are Victims in an Abusive Marriage?

I am MALE married for 6 year now. I get yelled at by my every week. This has become such a recuring pattern and yet so unpredictable on the next "storm".

My wife has poor and nasty feedback style. Any difference of opinion is only a "verbal nuclear war". No room for discussions and mutual resolutions. I have a kid. Divorce is not that easy option for me.

Question:

a) Are there men who are victims in an abuse marriage

b) How do you cope up with the situation and maintain your self esteem ?

37 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    you have NO self esteem if you did you wouldn't

    a. put up with it

    b.be asking total strangers what do in your life!

    if your a p*ssy than women (and men sometimes) WILL walk all over you

    its not her its you!

    how people treat you is HOW YOU let them treat you

    stand up . be a man

    and suffer the consequence of that, (and that's part of being a man too)

    the fact is you know all this but are to sissy to face the truth because you need to leave her and it will be difficult and messy

    so your looking for away to learn to take it

    seems the easier option right?

    if so shut up and take what you deserve!

    i can promise you its going to get worse and worse

    its like being bullied, same rules the bully will take more and more as you wimp out again and again

    face facts, face the truth !

    tell the bi*ch

    you not taking this SH*T any more and slinger her out on her butt!

    (she may well find a new respect for you and change everything but if not you lost nothing and only win)

    some times there is no easy way and its time to grow up and take control of you life

    YOU are responsible for how others treat you

    YOU are setting a bad e.g for you children

    ONLY YOU can change this!

    words are cheap , a man is judge by he's deeds , action is all that is required will you take action?

    if you do email me and tell me all about it. I'm interested to see if you can show some back bone, and if you do id be interested in talking with more, because then you'd be the type of man I like (lots of women too)you can contact me through my profile if you like, T x

  • 1 decade ago

    I have lived that life for 21 years and the first 9 were the hardest. Let me tell you what I have learned.

    First of all my wife recently remembered that she was sexually and emotionaly abused from birth to 7 years old and then just emotionaly abused by her bypolar mother till I married her at 19. My wife has only had two emotions that she knew how to show: happy and angry. Every time she has felt as if I really trusted her she has started an affair. Because of how she has always treated me I have only felt that way 4 times in the last 21 years. She always waited until I would tell her in some way that I trusted her. I am now getting a divorce. Not because she has abused me for so many years but because now that I know about the affairs and when, why and how she started them I know that I can never trust her again. It is very sad.

    I would reccomend getting her into counseling right away. Do not wait. If she is like my wife she does'nt even know that she is treating you like that even if you are telling her everyday. It took my wife 18 years of me mimiking her behavior when she would get like that before she finally started to come around. I have wasted 21 years of my life and brought 5 wonderful children into this hell. Please be more courageous than I was and get her the help that she needs. My wife would not go to counseling until I threatened divorce. But I really was not threatening. I was going to really divorce her. But because she is so controlling she would act so loving and wonderful that I would forgive her and take her back and then when she knew she had me she would resume the distance and verbal and emotional abuse. I bet you and the kids are the only ones that she treats mean too. My wife learned at 6 that to get what you want all you have to do is flirt and the guys will do anything for you. So she has always been nice and flirtatious to everyone else but me because she looked at me the same way as she looked at all the people that abused her through her childhood and vented all of her rage on me. If I had just known what was going on things could be so much better now. Don't make the same mistakes I did by just hoping that someday she will just come around and start loving you like she did when you were dating. It won't happen with out trauma counseling. I am so sad that someong else is living the hell that I went through. Do not wait until it is too late like I did. To waste 21 years on false hope is the saddest ................

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    a. Yes, there are men who are victims of verbal and physical abuse.

    b. How do you cope? I suggest you approach the issue logically and calmly. Do not fight with her, ever. Do not engage her in the verbal tirades. At the same time, do not take it. If she begins to yell, you say, "I am not talking to you until you quiet down." If she keeps yelling, have a stack of index cards that say, "I would be happy to discuss this with you when you are calm." Then either leave or go to a room where you can lock the door and play some video games, surf the net, or take care of the kid. Whatever. Do NOT reward her behavior with a response.

    Buy those Bose noise reducing headphones. If you put those on, she can yell all she wants and you won't hear her.

    Also, buy a good pocket tape recorder. A good one, mind you, that records when it detects noise, etc. Keep it on you, and when she starts yelling, just let it record. Get a couple good ones on tape, along with your VERY calm responses, "I'd be happy to discuss this with you rationally, but I can't talk to you when you scream uncontrollably." Then you can burn the taped rants to a CD, and leave it for her one day with a note -- "Honey, I love you, and I want to work things out, discuss and compromise with you. However, I want you to listen to these recordings and tell me what you think of them. If I behaved like this to you, how would you react? How would you feel?"

    It may take some time, but by doing this, you will be doing two things: (a) making it clear to her that she is preventing issues from being resolved and treating her husband like crap and that's a problem, and (b) setting it up so that you have a pile of evidence of the abuse, so if you have to file for divorce you won't get railroaded by the system. You'll be able to demonstrate that you are calm and rational, and she is a raving lunatic.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    You put your foot down. Remember you teach people how to treat you. If you do nothing then she believes it is acceptable behavior. When she starts in you walk away. When she melts down you leave. When she finally asks why you won't argue you calmly tell her that you are not going to listen to an abusive woman.

    A) My first marriage was. I put up with it for about a year and then I put a stop to it. Way to many details to get into but the point is I did put a stop to it.

    B) You realize she has issues. She is missing some skills needed when dealing with loved ones. She needs some personal counseling to learn these new skills. Of course that isn't going to happen until she is ready to change.

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  • 1 decade ago

    As many have already said, this is actually a very common problem that is almost never reported. Men feel like if they report it, they will be perceived as weak and/or pathetic. When in reality, as another poster pointed out, it can sometimes turn to violence and even death. I too have been a victim of verbal and physical abuse from my wife of 25 years. We have been through therapy and marraige counseling, that have worked to some degree. You just have to look at your situation and see if you can work through it with her, is it dangerous to you or your child and make a decision. No one deserves to be abused for any reason, if she loves you, then she will be willing to try to work on your relationship and her behaviour to make it work.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    You have to try and make it work. Don't go silent during her fits tell her how you feel silence actually makes it worse. Stand up for yourself and tell her she needs to get help. She sounds like she might have some mental issues was her dad real mean? She might be crying out for love and attention just not in the way most women would try this-- When she gets real angry try to be as sweet as possible give her ideas of ways to help what ever the problem is. OR tell her that she is Hurting you and her child and how would she feel if you never showed her love or told her you loved her then tell her that's what she is doing to you by treating you this way. Loveandrespect.com

  • 1 decade ago

    Go to marriage counseling to save your marriage. If she doesn't want to do this then the only option is to get out. A divorce is an ambomination of God. NO ONE SHOULD BE ABUSED MY A PSYCHOPATH. You can get her a mental evaluation done too. To see if she has a mental break sometimes you don't know til it is too late for medical treatment. Get some help. Do it for you and your child. Before long the violence will be turned to your child too later on down the road.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I am not a man but I am having trouble in my marriage as well. I know my husband is short tempered and yells for any reason. This causes me stress. He fell in love with me because I did not yell, blame, or try to control him. However, as time went on that is all he has done to me. So to keep my sanity I had fought back by turning on him as well.

    This to me is a bad way to be. I feel I am the victim, but though counseling and other family members, I find he is feeling he is the victim.

    Knowing that has helped me understand why he is so mean, sure we are talking divorce (we have a home and pets so this is hard for us too) but we at least are still trying to find a solution where we both can live together without too much chaos.

    If I helped at all, I will be happy.

  • 1 decade ago

    I am the wife you are speaking of, no seriously sometimes I yell and scream at my husband. Sometimes we have war of the words back and forth at eachother. I use to pinch him, and smack him too. Neither one of these is good, and he just took it and took it. We are still married, and we love eachother unconditionally but we have our fits of rage. Needless to say I wasn't like this before I met him so I guess he brought it out of me in our relationship. He knew how I was before we got married, and we continue to work on the arguing and yelling but no relationship is perfect. We have a seventeen month old too, so we have really improved it just takes a joint effort. My husband is more abused by his work environment and the government than me, so the stress just gets to the two of us sometimes. As far as the pinching and slapping, I've almost completely stopped that, I just get jealous if he mentions other women because he works outside of the home, I don't so it's easier access to him to find another girl. But he knows I am the only one for him, and would never consider divorce.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I think you're married to my ex gf....lol..

    I (somewhat) recently got out of a relationship with what can best be described as a bi-polar demon from the bowels of hell.

    Everything p!ssed this woman off. She was an angry, impatient hostile creature that thought the world revolved around her and owed her something.

    When she was nice...and calm she was wonderful, but at the drop of a hat....or a cloudy day....lol...she'd be go out of her way to create conflict and a fight.

    I finally had enough and told her to fvck off. I can't live with a demon. I tried to deal with it. Tried to be patient and understanding. Talked, wrote letters and all that but it just wasn't meant to be.

    It was a long-distance kind of gig too so that made things hard, otherwise we'd have gone to counseling together. So I lost her (just the part of her I was crazy in love with)....her two kids I adored (who adored me back) and the best little dog I've had the pleasure of knowing for a long time too that we all picked out together.

    It happens my friend. This is exactly why I believe in LOOOONG engagements. Not *too* long, but long enough for the evil to float to the surface.

    A leopard will not change its spots, so your best lot in life is to leave and get some peace in your life and a woman that has a heart and not fraught with anger and hostility. They are not worth it.

    I wish you the best....good luck!

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