Should grandparents be allowed to brainwash grandchildren against parents?

My parents began by taking care of my daughter while I worked helping reduce childcare costs. I slowly started noticing things like she started calling my dad...Daddy instead of poppy and my mom was mommy. I asked them to correct her and I did. I had weaned her from the bottle and potty trained her for preschool only to learn that while staying with them she was given a bottle and placed back in a diaper as soon as I left. Then once we moved away they began begging and nagging for me to let her stay over on the weekends to be taken to church on Sundays. Not wanting to discourage religion, I allowed it. Now 13, I found out that they have encouraged her to runaway, which she did and that she has been staying with them for over 1 wk and that they went to an attorney almost 1 yr ago to try to get custody of her, which they were told since she hasn't been abused in either form there really is no reason to pursue. Should grandparents be allowed to brainwash grandchildren against parents?


I got remarried when she was 6 months old & we divorced by the time she was 2. We worked and they offered to babysit since they work from home. I was very grateful of this help. He had always been Daddy to her, until they told her don't worry he isn't your real dad you don't have to mind him. They referred to me by my name not Mommy then when I heard it, I stepped in and corrected them & her on this. She spent a great deal of time with them, their other grands don't (Now I know why). I felt guilty that since I couldn't be there all the time that she was still getting special attention from family even if I wasn't able to be there constantly. I let go a lot because they drove a wedge between us and I excepted it, especially when they intimidated me. I didn't feel that I had a voice and that I knew enough to fight them. Plus they had/have enough connections and had enough $ to fund their case. They would win out I always told myself. We moved away by 5-10 when fiance got ill & retur

Update 2:

ned back to TN. She didn't see them until they came to visit or we came in for a visit. They have taken her on vacation w/ them &while we were in for a visit, they refused to return her twice previously.They picked her up this time in the middle of the night and didn't call me until 4 days later, I had to call her friend to find her. I thought she was mad at me because we had argued & just needed to cool off I didn't know they were trying to get custody of her and have now threatened to bring allegations of abuse against us to get us to give her up. Allegations which are completely unfounded. She tends to be a bit of a drama queen and doggedly determined to get her way by any means. She also doesn't take no for an answer that is how the argument began, not to mention that when she doesn't get her way she is mean towards her baby sibling and myself.

Update 3:

I am sorry I didn't clarify this for those of you who may not have children or haven't experienced a 13 yo yet. She is a 13 yo drama queen in 1 min she is a typical 13 yo listening to her music & talking on the phone, in less than 1 min later she is acting 2 or 3 and having a temper tantrum when she doesn't get her way, in 10 min she thinks she is 20 and capable of telling all others how things are to be done and precisely how to do them (whether she actually knows or not). I did fail to mention the fiance was her stepdad from 6mo-2yr, we have been re-engaged and living together for the last 7 years, and we also added a new baby girl about 16 months ago. So the 13 yo feels she is no longer the center of everyones' constant focus since the new baby girl arrived. Also, the 13 yo is the first of 10 grands and the 1st girl grand not to mention the only grand to have been around and developed close ties with her grandparents. Also she was very spoiled by everyone! Hope this clarifies.

16 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    sounds like youre stuck between a rock and a hard place. i know this situation all too well myself. you may want to minimize the time she has with the gandparents and get her to counseling. sounds like the g-parents want to raise your child, or because they have nothing to do with thier time or with thier life. dont cut them off completely but minimize the time, instead of letting her stay all night i would suggest only a couple of hours there and you trying to be there yourself. they need to understand that "you" are the parent and "you" are in control of "your" child. you need to stand firm on telling them you will not tolerate steering her in the wrong direction or defying you in your decision on how you raise your daughter.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    NO!!!! Just because your parents don't think that your rasiing your daughter right doesn't mean your not. Potty training before preschool was a very smart move. If she started calling her grandparents mom and dad than maybe you should have spent more time with her. As far as custody goes try to get some witnesses that will be on your side, your friends who know whats going on. I'm sorry to say this but maybe it would have been better to raise your own child, not let your parents do it for you.

  • kathyw
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    It's just you against your parents in this?

    See an attorney.

    Where is the child's father? Are you remarried?

    Your parents probably see your living situation as unstable. I don't know this but I'm guessing you are living with a guy or have lived with guys in the past. There's not the stability there that 1) would impress them and 2) would give you the strength to work together, as a couple, to keep your daughter with you.

    The problem, unfair as it is, is that you give your parents plenty of things to think are unsteady.

    Your daughter should be with you and not with them. But she may like the environment they offer her and they are her blood grandparents too!

    A lawyer would advise you about the custody problem. You are going to need legal counsel. In the meantime, settle down in your homelife so that the level of stability is at least equal to their level.

  • 1 decade ago

    It sounds like it might be a little late u should have stop that when she was younger i don't understand why would any one would do that to someone and they child i take it these people are not ur parents i would not let any one come between me & my kids u carry her for 9 months not them u also was the one doing all the pushing until she came out so why would u let other people do what they want to u with ur child i can't see it. but since they did step in it sounds like they already got her where they want her u got to take some kind of control move away maybe not letting her see them until she can make her own decisions. i hope every thing works out for u.

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  • kp
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    Of course a grandparent shouldn’t be allowed to brainwash their grandchild. But the things that you mentioned are not brainwashing. They’re just going against your wishes and failing to correct her (when you began to call them Mom and Dad—and it’s possible she did that on her own). Of course, they shouldn’t do that either, but it’s a far cry from brainwashing.

    If you live in the US and without knowing what state you live in (because the laws do vary somewhat by state)…

    Call them and tell them if your daughter is not home within a hour (or how ever long it would take to drive from their place to yours) you’re going to call the police and file charges against them for harboring a runway, custodial interference, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, and every other possible charge that would apply. And they can be charged with these things even if they are related to her.

    Then IF you continue to allow them to see her, make sure it only occurs in your presence.

    They cannot get custody unless they can prove you to be unfit in some manner (and it takes A LOT to do that). And if they encouraged her to runaway, hid her and/or tried to keep you from her, the chances of them being be awarded grandparent visitation by a court are so slim they are practically non-existent.

    Talk to a local attorney!

  • 1 decade ago

    Your 13 year old daughter ran away and went to you parents..? Have you called the cops. You do know that they are wrong and could get in trouble for letting her stay there and not bring her home.

    This is not brainwashing.. This is a form of abuse... on there part.... YOU are the parent, YOU tell your daughter what to do and they should respect it and follow YOUR rules. They did not .. They are the wrong ones not you.

    Call the cops, get your daughter and tell your parents that if they ever teach your child anything that you have said not to or help her to anything that goes against YOUR wishes then they will NEVER see her again..

  • 1 decade ago

    I can relate just a little to your situation. When my son was born, my husband and I were having to live with my mother and sister temporarily. From the day we brought him home from the hospital they wanted him. But I put my foot down immediately. I said to them, "This is my child and no one is going to raise him but myself and my husband." Sounds like you should have said something like that too. And stuck to it. But considering how far things has gone in your situation, you should probably talk to an attorney. You say she is 13 now, so she would probably need some kind of counseling now to get her back to a normal way of thinking. I wish you the best of luck. I think you will need it.

  • 1 decade ago

    You need some serious legal advice and pronto!

    1.) Consult a lawyer near you

    2.) Contact a social services Rep. and talk to them about what is going on!

    3.) Get some therapy for the both of you, soon.

    My best wishes!

  • 1 decade ago

    This has been going on for 13 years. If it were me, I'd want to know why. When you go to get her, sit down with them and find out what their thinking is. You aren't dealing with a small child, you are dealing with someone who is going to be going to college in 5 years.

    Sounds like you left her with them whenever you wanted to. If you wanted her to have religious training, you should have done that yourself and if you aren't a believer then you shouldn't have sent her to grandma and grandpa.

    I think there is something you aren't adding to this question, grandparents don't usually do this sort of thing unless they suspect you aren't taking care of her. A 13yr old doesn't just leave her happy home and run away. It doesn't sound like they are brainwashing her, it sounds like they are protecting her. What's the real story?

  • 5 years ago

    I have visible a household just lately wherein the equal factor occurred. Because we all know youngsters continually aid their mom.and likewise little one is the major precedence of any mom . So I suppose it's on account that they wish to defeat the daughter in legislation or sister in legislation morally as though they win some thing.

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