Here is the second part of the introduction to my novel. What do you think?
Mario Hernandez ran up the hill. How lovely it was! When they had been told they'd been specially selected for relocation, he had no idea! He glanced down at his wife Pilar. She was struggling up the hill with their third child, Pedro Antonio.
The family had fallen on hard times. He had been laid off from his job at the bank--when his boss had called him into his office, Mario had thought it had been for a promotion, instead it was a pink slip. After half a year of living on savings and a loan from his parents, Mario had to sell his house. He moved his family into Saint Christopher's Shelter. One room was all they got, but, everyone had their own bed.
Mario was ready to embrace the homeless life when two men visited the shelter. They promised a better way of life, with a job and housing...Mario quickly signed his family up for the government program.
Here's the rest:
Mario looked back at his wife. Miguel, his eldest child, was helping little Cameron to navigate the hill. His wife was almost to him.
Pilar finally reached the top, huffing while Pedro giggled in her arms. She looked around and frowned. "It's beautiful, Mario, but where are the houses?" She started to put Pedro down, but instead fell on top of the toddler.
"Pilar?!" Mario rushed to her side. He rolled her over and saw blood. His lips trembled as he felt her neck. "No!" Pedro was lying still; the back of his head a bloody pulp.
Feeling naseas, Mario looked wildly around for his children. Miguel was lying on the ground; the side of his face a crimson, gory mass. Mario started to shake when he felt a hand grasp his leg.
It was little Cameron. He stood up and lifted his daughter. He held her tightly as he started to run down the other side of the hill. If he could only save her...
A bullet ended that thought. His daughter lay limply besides him
This is the last sentence:
The last sight he saw was of a man in a beret and carrying a rifle run up to him and bend down; the last thing he heard was an old man laugh.
Now I know that you won't get this. This is set in the future, which you would read on the book jacket, and the title of the novel is 'Thinning Out'. A reader wouldn't be able to get all the information in the introduction, but if you continue to read it all makes sense. This was a fun thing to do and I hope you like it.
- 1 decade agoFavorite Answer
There are some grammar mistakes. I have pointed out some of the mistakes, so you could revise your draft.
... when his boss had called him into his office, Mario had thought it had been for a promotion, (should be a semicolon (;) and NOT a comma (,) after the word promotion) ...
One room was all they got, but, (delete the comma after ‘but’) everyone had their own bed.
The correct sentence should be: One room was all they got, but everyone had their own bed.
"Pilar?!" (Use either a question mark (?) or an exclamation mark (!), but NEVER USE BOTH) Mario rushed to her side.
His lips trembled as he felt her neck. "No!" Pedro (Was it Pedro or Pilar?) was lying still; the back of his head (his or her head? Who are you referring to?) (‘in a bloody pulp’ or ‘with a bloody pulp’)
It would be better if you could make it clearer, who's got the head injured , "his" or "her" (referring to who?)
Feeling naseas (spelling error — it should be “nausea”, Mario looked wildly around for his children.
Overall it is okay, but I couldn't give more opinions on the story as it bits and pieces from the whole work.
- 1 decade ago
yeah. i suppose its ok and well enough written but sorry i dont really care what happens to Mario and his family so it that respect its not great.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
Fit for publishing...