Why Is Fox News Sitting On This Story?
Date: Sun, 29 Jul 2007 22:05:51 -0400
US Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency
Washington, DC (AP) -- Congress today announced that the office of the President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of November 1, 2007.
The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 trillion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years.
"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.
Mr. Bush was informed by e-mail this morning of his layoff. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time, and he will have at his disposal the full range of relocation services the Federal Government has to offer.
Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will be assuming the office of President as of November 1, 2007.
Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open.
"Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President of the U.S.A.”
Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem as President Bush was not familiar with the issues either.
Mr. Singh will rely upon a script algorithm that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all.
"We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President
Bush has used them successfully for years."
When asked if Mr. Singh would use the hidden ear plug and radio receiver
Mr. Bush used in one of the 2004 televised debates in order to be prompted during more spontaneous question and answer situations, the spokesperson said simply, “You all saw how well that one worked. Absolutely not.”
Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.
Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical or successful work experience.
A Greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands. But it is believed he would require laser surgery to remove the smirk. “Wal-Mart can’t afford to have a greeter whose expression basically conveys the sense that he can’t believe these shoppers are actually buying his cheap, plastic, made-in-China junk.”
What's really interesting is the number of variations on this story. You can see that, like many urban folk legends, this story grows and morphs in the hands of the folks who receive it and then pass it on. One can imagine how the legends of Davy Crockett and Billy The Kid came about.
In any case, both the original author and some of his/her invisible editors have done a fine job of clever, intelligent writing. My thanks to all.