This is gonna be complicated, but if you have the time and money and skills, it might work:
Make yourself a fake candle out of plaster or something non-flammable, and enclose a fake wick in it. The fake wick should be a very thin metal tube, going straight through the fake candle and out its bottom. What you want to do is create a thing that looks like a candle, but derives its flame from a source other than wax, that you can turn off.
Next, somehow attach one of those butane lighters to the bottom of the candle (probably it would be easier to use a grill lighter - it has a long tube and would be easier to attach to your fake candle. Actually, I've a better idea - go to Radio Shack and pick up either a butane soldering iron or one of their butane torches. These come with attachments that screw on to the butane, and you can modify the attachment to plug into the bottom of your fake candle). Finally, you would have to rig some kind of remote control to the lighter or torch.
Another way to get a flame might be to get a small container that you can use as an oil reservoir, and get a candle wick string (maybe at a craft store, that you can make your own candles with). Thread the string from the reservoir, through the candle bottom, up through the little tube, and make it just stick out the top. If you light this, the wick will burn the oil from the reservoir, and it will look like a candle flame. To put it out, rig the oil reservoir on a hidden platform under the candle, and make it so you can remotely drop the platform a few inches. When it drops, the wick is pulled down into the candle's tube, and the flame is snuffed out.
I haven't tried this, and this is playing with fire, kids. Experiment outside, with good ventilation, protective gear, fire extinguishers, and paramedics handy. At least have a buddy nearby who can call for help if need be.