How to discipline kids without Spanking?

Now I have a ? How can u discipline your kids without spanking them to get them to listen. I dont believe in Spanking cause of how I grew up. Thats another story. But help me out please.

22 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Think creatively. My sister does all kinds of things that make her kids understand that they have done something wrong without spanking. One of the neatest things she did was when her 7 year old son stole .50 from one of his sisters. She explained that stealing was bad and that he could go to jail. Then to try to give him an idea of what jail was like, she took everything but his bed out of his room and grounded him to his bedroom for the rest of the day only allowing him to go with her escorting him there and back to the restroom and to spend one hour outside in the yard. He was given lima beans, sardines and turnip greens for dinner and toast and orange juice for breakfast.

    With her daughter she once took everything out of her room and let her earn it back with good behavior. I hope this helps.

    This is my way of answering.

  • 5 years ago

    For refusing to pick up a fork or opening a new box of crayons, it is enough to tell a child why that was wrong. For throwing a tantrum in a store, my daughters would definitely get a spanking (not right there, but at home). So it's really not a matter of what method you use for discipline but of picking the right reaction in any given situation. It is your choice, of course, whether you wish to use spanking at all. I can only say that with my daughters spankings have been quite effective as a reaction to serious and willful misconduct, such as disrespectful and rude words directed at mom or dad, or disobedience in spite of being told to do something once and again. Other than spankings, taking things away or at a later age grounding are good forms of discipline, but they have the disadvantage of being stretched out over time, whereas a spanking is quick and memorable (unless used daily, of course).

  • 1 decade ago

    Well, spanking is not discipline - it's punishment. But to answer your question, there are a lot of ways. Time-outs work --- sometimes. Taking away priveleges or toys works --- sometimes. The rest of the time it doesn't fit the "crime", so you'll have to stop and get creative, and figure out how to get the point across to your child.

    Parenting with Love and Logic actually is a great place to start. Take what works, discard the rest - as with any advice. But my advice, really, is not to worry so much about stopping the behavior immediately - this is what tends to end in spankings or rash punishments that we can't follow through on. IMO we need to think longer term, and worry about teaching the lesson.

    A kid might learn to stop pulling his sister's hair if you spank him or put him on time-out, but when will he learn WHY? That's the discipline part - and that's the hard part.

  • 1 decade ago

    Well, I don't spank my son either but I really have no reason to spank. I can just raise my voice to him and he will break down and cry- not that I try to make him cry- he just does!

    I use time outs when needed and I have a specific chair for it. I don't send him to his room. I don't want his room associated with "naughtiness". Also, he has toys in his room so what punishment would it be to go in there? He could just play with toys then! LOL

    Also, if you have older kids and time outs don't work, you could take something away from him/her that he/she really cherishes- favorite toy, no TV, no phone privileges, etc for a certain amount of time. If you are consistent in this, your child will get the picture that you mean business. Just remember if you say no TV for a week- then don't give in after 3 days. And also make the punishment serve the crime. Don't over punish. kwim?

    Good luck to you! Hope I helped!!

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  • ~Biz~
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    Of course it will vary, between kids, between situations, between # of times the offense has occurred... my opinion is this. Whenever possible, I allow natural consequences to occur. Ex: she doesn't do her homework, she gets in trouble at school the next day. If she left her bike out and it got stolen, I'd not replace it and she'd have to live without.

    Sometimes that's not the answer though, and so often times I send her to her room, so that we can both think. And I usually have to get creative, and find a way for the punishment to fit the crime. You can't time-out for everything, you can't take away TV for everything, you know? Maybe it's dinner alone. Maybe it's a specific chore. Maybe it's giving up a toy/book/item. Maybe it's writing a letter of apology. It really depends on what they did, and what lesson you are trying to teach them.

    What I *do* do consistently every time is make it clear what the unacceptable behavior was, and why it's unacceptable. I also always explain the punishment, and I always always always follow through with it - no matter how inconvenient it can sometimes be.

  • 1 decade ago

    There is no canned, right answer for this question but there are many alternatives to spanking.

    First you must understand the age and developmental level of the child. For example, a toddler is supposed to begin exploring his world. Punishing curiosity will permanently damage him.

    I always asked myself how important is was for me to win.

    The job of a parent is to teach a child how to navigate life. If a toddler is being curious, and a parent is too insecure to realize this and decides to exert his/her authority just to make a point then I feel pity for the child. A parent should make discipline decisions based on teaching the child lessons that will ultimately help him live independently in this world. Not on being right, powerful, or just because I said so.

    As for discipline options: I only teach one rule. Some call it the golden rule others call it Karma. I teach my children that whatever they put out into the world will come back. So when my son was 4 and he stomped a bus at preschool because he was mad, I made him give his identical bus to the school's owner with an apology. When my now 11 year old was hurt that a friend was putting him in his place I reminded him how much he brags about his abilities and if he does that he should expect others to respond by trying to put him in his place.

    I don't have many rules but I can tell you that it takes more energy to listen, understand and teach than it does to exert your authority.

    BTW....I have a graduate degree in family counseling and nursing and worked in a pediatric intensive care unit for eight years. I would be happy to talk with you offline.

  • yoak
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    Hi Kelly,

    1. time out (place them in a chair in an uninteresting room like a dining room. Make them sit still for two minutes. Return to the room and ask if they are ready to apologize and to behave. If not, the timeout is extended. Leave the room and return in 2 more minutes.)

    2. take their favorite toy (put it in a closet where they cannot get it). Explain why the toy is being taken. Give them conditions : you get this back when you can behave. Be firm and do not give in to any whining. Only give the toy back when they have shown consistent good behavior for the period of time you determine.

    3. reward for good behavior. (a night of mini golf, a nature walk, go together to get an ice cream, or a day at the pool). During the month give stickers to the child that behaves well, minds their manners, speaks politely to you and others. Stick them on the correct day on the calendar. At the end of the month evaluate the number of positive days. Ask the child/children where they would like to spend family fun night, give them two choices. Spend that time together.

    4. push ups. A child misbehaves, do not spank or shout or make a scene. Tell that child to do 10 push ups immediately. At the end of the push ups, request an apology for bad behavior. If you do not receive one, instruct them to give you 10 more push ups. This will improve their attitude, develop physical fitness, plus you do not need to lay a hand on them. It tires them out and breaks their will power down, so they apologize AND change their behavior.

    5. make them memorize. Telling a lie, misbehaving in a store, being disrespectful toward a teacher. Present them with a page from a book, a Bible verse, or song lyrics. They must sit in a room and memorize this. At the end of the time period you designate, ask them to recite it. My son is just learning to read and this is a good way to make him calm down, concentrate, and improve his reading skills. Plus it gives you a few minutes to calm down, while they are reading.

    Be consistent. Children will take any lapse as a sign of weakness. Don't threaten punishment. Initiate punishment. Stick to your terms and do not let a child talk, cry, throw a fit, or whine their way out of it.

    After a punishment I ask my son why he (said/did) what he did. I ask him what would have been a better choice. It reinforces their ability to choose their actions. Gives the the sense they are making a grown-up decision to act and behave and speak "nicely".

    good luck to you ~

  • 1 decade ago

    I do not think there is anything wrong with spanking. On the butt,only with your hands no belts or other tools. I was put in the chair face the wall and to make a sound or I would get more time. There is always putting the nose to a door for a period of time. You could try woosawbe that Chinese hot stuff on the tongue but always talk to them and make sure they understand what they did wrong. My 3yr old hates that the most. Good Luck!!

  • 1 decade ago

    You could shame them (look it up in a parenting book) Say "why would you do something like that (insert name here)" Act like you're hurt by what they have done. If that doesn't work, take away the problem (Tv and computer and games cause kids to become agrivated when adults tell them to turn it off, you can take away the internet or cable for a day etc, remove the problem. If they throw something, don't throw it back. Also, the silent treatment works wonders. Time outs should not last more than 10 minutes.

  • 1 decade ago

    Talk to them. Bond with them. Teach them. Spend time with them, showing them the right way to do things -and- teaching them *why*, so that they will understand and not even think about purposely doing things any other way. Be their teacher.

    Read 'Parenting with Love and Logic' for some great perspective on *teaching your children to think and make good choices* as opposed to *training them how to behave in order to avoid punishment*.

    If you want your kids to listen, you need to make sure that they trust you to be saying things that they know they need to hear. Be someone who's opinion they respect and who they know they can trust to guide them lovingly.

    There are all kinds of other methods out there, besides spanking, that train kids how to behave in order to avoid punishment (time outs, 1-2-3 magic, naughty chair, belittling the child, etc). But, while I will use timeouts & 1-2-3 sometimes when *I* need a minute to think or when I don't have the time to explain, I always feel like I'm doing a better job as a parent when I help my child to learn using logical consequences.

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