Okay here's a brand new one. Comment as you will.????

sheer

I chose to put myself out on the line,

Looking this and that way for a sign.

Way too young to shop for a casket,

Much too old for flowers in a basket.

Don't know which way I should go,

Time it seems its moving way too slow.

Eat these pills they'll make you well,

Maybe not though only time will tell.

Seems to me I feel your presence near,

Nylons rubbing and they feel sheer.

Take your time I've nowhere I've got to be,

Luckily the government hasn't got to me.

Taking time and cutting it in half,

Slaughtered like a newborn calf.

Ending seems to always be the same,

The only thing that changes is the name.

The one thing I cant live without,

The irony of it makes me shout.

She is beautiful and dangerous,

I'm just old and cantankerous.

The time is short to tell my tale

I'd give it all to see her in a veil.

Time took off and left me behind,

Gonna take a while to unwind.

Update:

uncoolmom,

write to me and I will tell you my age.

Steve

24 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    It sounds like Edgar Allan Poe on Paxil.

    It's actually very very good! I liked it.

  • Fr. Al
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    There's a lot there. Is "sheer" the nylons or the veil? "Maybe not though only time will tell" needs some punctuation to accent it's metre and resolve its ambiguity. In line two of your first verse "way" would make the metre more regular if place after this rather than that, it is there you need a long syllable to balance. Eat these pills is a bit crude, are they medication or pills you've stockpiled? The last half of the poem gives an uneasy feeling of abandonment, and looks like you've aged considerably from Verse one. Is the person in the nylons a nurse or caretaker, and do they change over time? Time becomes an adversary that you long to hold onto, yet seems to get the better of you just as it slips away. In verse three you could easily leave "I've got" out and end up with a metre matching that of the other verses. Verse four you've split the infinitive "to be", bring it back together and follow it with always, it'll also improve your metre. The devil is always in the details, good poetry is more than words on a page, it is language masterfully managed. What does "the government" have to do with the rest of your poem?

  • 1 decade ago

    Beautiful poem as always!!!

    I'm not quite sure of the meaning though. It seems to have so many, that it becomes unclear. Or maybe I'm just not seeing it. But anyways, good job!!!! :-)

    ~mystic~<3<3<3

  • 1 decade ago

    Really good poem. It's nice to know there is someone whom you've connected with on this type of level. Keep doing a good job writing these poems.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Hmmm its kind of complicated. It is not as good as ur other poems. It is hard for ur reader to understand the main focus of the poem. But, keep writing n keep sharing. God bless.

  • 1 decade ago

    Luckily the government hasn't come???? You wouldn't be talking about a little girl in nylons would you?? You old cantankerous man. There it is...in *black and white*...you're a pervert.

  • 1 decade ago

    it sounds like something a butcher or serial killer on the run would write.... hmmm, more like serial killer to me... "Luckily the government hasn't got to me" and "taking time and cutting it in half", what kind of person names an animal you're gonna slaughter?... you sure those are animals you're killing?

  • Tab
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    Good Job.

  • 1 decade ago

    Very complicated and very beautiful. As always your poems take my breathe away. Keep writing!

    -Shadow

  • 1 decade ago

    I liked your cutting time in half... Nice poem. 'Diable de temps', as a French singer used to say...

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