Can anybody read my short essay and tell me what do you thing?
My topic is write the things that you like in the New york city.
.Please read it and make corrections if you have any other ideas please add them. Thanks for help.
Intro: New York city is the largest city in the United States, the home of the United nations, and the center of global finance,communications and business. New York city is unusual among cities because of its high residential density. My thesis: Additionaly, New York city is among my favorite places because all the things that I like is there this include National monuments,diversity of people and many attractions.
Topic sentence 1: First of all,the thing that I like is the statue of liberty. It gives universal symbol of freedom and democracy.
besides that it has a unique design of art that makes me forget about everything and keep lokiing at it. Finaly, the statue sculptured with unusual design.
- 1 decade agoFavorite Answer
"New York City is the largest city in the United States, the home of the United Nations, and also the center of global finance,communications, and business. This is why New York City is among my favorite places. The national monuments,diversity of people, and many attractions, these are all parts of the city I love.
The thing that I appreciate the most about New York City is the statue of liberty, because it serves as a universal symbol of freedom and democracy.
Besides it being a great symbol, its unique style helps me clear my thoughts. Not to mention the statue is captured with an unusual and artful design."
~Usually the thesis is the first sentence in the paper, but I'm not sure if you want it formatted that way.
~Don't say "New York City" in every sentence.
~You don't need to say "First" and "Finally" because it's redundant.
~In the last two sentences of the original paragraph you were redundant when you wrote about the "unique design of art" and "sculptured with unusual design". You are talking about the same things and it becomes repetitive.
~"New York City is unusual among cities because of its high residential density. " Doesn't seem nessecary for your topic.
*Talk more about the things that set New York City apart from other cities. Elaborate on them like you did with the Statue of Liberty.
*When you write a thesis it is a summary or idea of your paper, so you want to cover the topics in that sentence. This includes the diversity of people and the attractions. You already covered national monuments, but you need to talk more about the Statue of Liberty. Try giving a brief history of the monument for the people that don't know much about it.
*And remember to avoid using "First", "Second", and "Finally.
*Try to write an outline your whole paper before you continue:
I. Opening Statement including the thesis
*Remember it's usually the first sentence in a paper.
II. The first main point of your paper (i.e. The National Monuments)
III. The second main point (Diversity of people)
IV. The final main point (Attractions)
V. The conclusion
*Don't start the conclusion with "In conclusion..." it's redundant.
Each roman numeral can be either just a paragraph or a couple paragraphs depending on how much you want to elaborate on your topic.Source(s): *I'm sure my grammar isn't 100% perfect, but I'm sure that I fixed it from what it was.
- shadowsthathuntLv 61 decade ago
Great ideas that you can elaborate off of easily. Remember to add in your paper that the Statue of Liberty was a gift from France. Also we call our diversity a "melting pot" so take a look into the meaning of thoes words, and you can truly help to beef up that paragraph. As far as all of the attractions, there are the major ones like the statue of liberty, the empire state building and so on... but also remember places of culture like the theaters on broadway... times square (new years eve) central park and the museum of natural history. I dont think you need to make any changes... I too live in NY and would be more than happy to help you with this project if you need some more ideas to add... but it looks like you are on the way to an "A" paper. Good luck.
- 4 years ago
Intro: New York City, United Nations, (capitalization) You many want to list three things you like the most in NYC (paragraph 2, 3, 4) and conclude in paragraph 5.
- 1 decade ago
It sounds pretty good ,but if your topic is What you like about NYC , the essay should be about that,"What I like" the first part sounds like a geography lesson( unless that is required by your teacher). Also not knowing what parameters your working with (length ,amount of words, etc.) I would name some of the other attractions you like famous or not,like shops, restaurants or places to just look around. I hope this helps.
- How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
- 1 decade ago
you should write about effect of these on yourself also.think of any thing you like feel what its effect on you and write it.
i thought there were many things in New York City.try to write more about the things except only to mention them.the thing you don't know well about don't write it.
- 1 decade ago
NEED TO BE MORE DETAIL TALK ABOUT THE ATTRACTION THE FOOD ETC