Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 1 decade ago

I'm 14 and im trying to write a novel\book, I finally finshed Chapter One after a few days of work.So pls read

and tell me what you think and what i can do to imrpove the story as i can imrove the story as i go along. Also pls explain the changes that i could make to imrpove the story. I'm 14 so its not perfect. So here it is.

Chapter One

Glancing around in hopes of finding a way out of the four walls that were closing in around him, he failed to find the relief of escape. Sighing heavily, he rose and paced around the room. He knew that if he idled longer he would not get out alive. He did not fear the future, but he feared he cannot escape.

They found him, they caught him, and locked him up. Knowing that he had no real chance of surviving the days to come he surveyed his surroundings. The room was all white which disguised it's square shape. There was no doors or windows. The only source of light was illuminating from what seemed to be nowhere.

Jason Lan was alone in the box shaped room. The shallow lighting made the room seem like it was closing in on him. The shadows


in corner of the room had a creepy quality. The silence forced him to hear the sound of his own thoughts.

"I’ve got to get out,” he thought to himself. “If I don’t find a way out, God knows what will happen to me. I can't stick around to find out.” Jason then remembered the camera that had been watching him since the beginning of his stay. For sixteen straight days, the camera has been watching his every move. He stared at the camera with immense curiosity. "Who has been watching me the whole time?" he thought aloud. Panicked by the thought of someone watching him, he moved his eyes away from the camera as if doing so would make the camera disappear.

Suddenly he heard the sound of footsteps. He quickly focused his eyes to where the sound was coming from. He ran to the wall and pressed his ears against it listening intently. He heard only the sound of a single pair of footsteps.

"Good," he thought with confidence, " I can handle one person."

Update 2:

As the sound of footsteps became louder and louder, he slowly walked away from the wall. He went into a crouching position, ready to attack whomever would enter the room. While he was waiting, he imagined what would he do next after he put the person down.

He groaned aloud while thinking of how he should have planned all the details earlier. But there was no time left to plan. The abrupt silence of the footsteps outside brought him out of his thoughts. The absence of sound, even if only for a minute, seemed like hours to Jason. He soon realized that he actually had no chance of bringing down whoever was outside those walls. He was a mere boy of sixteen and the person outside could be the size of weight building thug. He started to panic. He stayed rigid in his position, praying that he could get out in one piece.

Suddenly the ground started to shake violently. It was strong enough to send him to the ground on his hands and knees. The violent quake ceased after what

Update 3:

what seemed a few minutes.

He rose slowly and tried to stabilize himself in a standing position. He then notice there was now an opening in the wall he’d been facing. Standing in the newly formed entrance was a figure. The light from the outside was blinding him, making him unable to distinguish the figure. It was obviously human, so he decided to drop the alien abduction theory.

“ Who are you?” He asked the figure demandingly.

“ Just someone trying to help.” The figure replied. The voice he instantly recognized as the voice of a girl. She sounded like she about the same age as him.

“ Help who, exactly?” Again asking her demandingly.

“ You, Jason. I’m trying to help you.”

“ Why? And how do you know my name.” Before responding she walked out of the light and entered the room. She looked to be about 5ft 8” slim. She had long flowing brown hair and her eyes were glowing sapphire. She was wearing black tank top , black hip-hugger jeans,

Update 4:

and black combat boots. At the waste she had studded belt in which she holstered a pair of Glock 23 pistols. One on her left side and the other on her right. It also held extra cartridges of bullets. He was right about her age. She looked like she was about sixteen going on seventeen.

“ How bout run now talk later.” She said without hesitation.

“ Why should I follow you? I barley know your name,” He said defiantly.

“ Why?” She said disbelief, “ You must stupider then I thought. See its simple, you stay, you die or you follow ,you live. Got it!”

“ I got it, but can I at least know your name?”

“ Is that really impor…..”

“ YES!”

“FINE! God your stubborn., it’s Terra Gem, alright. Can we please go now before they come?!”

“ Gem?”

“Oh my God, are you really going to just stand and criticize my last name?”

Jason stood there, at his height of 6ft 3”. Looked at her with brown eyes, thinking of what to do.

Update 5:

He had long black hair that fell few inches past his shoulder with bangs that fell to his face almost covering his eyes. He was wearing what he wore the day he was taken from his house. Plain jeans, black shirt, and a black thin hooded jacket. He as well had black combat boots.

“ Hey! Had good look at me yet!” She said with an impatient tone in her voice.

“ Are those the same boots I’m wearing?”

“ Jesus! Why don’t we start running first, then when we are out you can compare the similarities we share in the fashion world all you want, now come on!” Before he could say anything more, Terra grabbed him by the wrist and started running out of the room. As they exited the room, the alarm system was set off.

“Damn.” Terra cursed under breath. She looked around and saw no other exit except the one straight ahead of them. Without hesitation, they went for the single exit.

Once they reached the exit, it open only to reveal two muscular men.

Update 6:

They both were wearing similar black suits with gray ties. They shielded their eyes sunglasses, and carried machine guns. They looked to be about 6ft 8”, and they had pale white skin. They looked down at Jason and Terra for a moment and then smiled vicious smiles, that revealed oddly sharp pointed teeth. With the guards blocking the only exit they had, Terra decided to take them down.

She walked a few feet back and smiled innocently at them. The innocent smile disappeared as fast it came. In one quick move she pulled out the Glock 23 pistols, and pointed it at them viscously. The guards looked at her with amusement.

Then the lefts guardsman said in a low bass voice, “ I don’t think those are appropriate toys for little girls.”

“ Yeah,” Agreed the other guardsman in the same deep, dark tone, “ Little girls should be playing with dollies and little stuff animals.”

“So, why don’t you be good little girl and hand them over so nobody gets hurt.”

Update 7:

Annoyed by the dollies and stuff toy comments, she said back with a more stern voice, “ I think I will keep them if you don’t mind.”

“Look little girl, we don’t want to have to hurt anybody here. We just want you to hand over the guns and go back to your room; and bring you little boyfriend with you.” The left guardsmen said impatiently..

With a smirk on her face she said, “ Oh. You think you have the balls to hurt poor innocent little girl like me.” She made puppy dogs eyes and fluttered her eyelids at them then asked mockingly, “ What do you think your boss would say when you tell him that everyone bone in your body was broken by a little girl?”

Before they made a move, she pulled the trigger on both guns and shot them in the shoulders twice. They wince at the pain and drop their guns to the floor. The machine guns hit the floor, the sound of impact echoed through out the vast empty area.

Update 8:

They stood at the bridge that connected the square room to the outside room’s entrance and only exit. Surround them was nothing but an open globe shaped room. Like the room, everything was white.

Terra holstered the Glocks at her belt, and quickly ran three feet towards the guardsmen and then jumped and slammed her heel against skull of the guard at the right. She landed one her right foot and quickly swung around and stabbed her left foot against the other guard’s stomach. Both guards fell, not know what just hit them. She gave a quick nod to Jason, who just stood there completely oblivious to the situation, and then ran out the door. Outside the globe area, they found out it wouldn’t be easy to escape. They were cameras on the walls that detected heat and even the slightest motion. They both stood still turn the heads to face each other.

“ It’s going to be harder then thought isn’t?” Jason asked quietly.

Update 9:

“ Yeah. I should of thought this through before I came running in,” Terra said admittedly

“ Wait you didn’t plan this out?”

“ The only thing I know for sure, is the way out of here. I forgot about the security and guards.” She paused for a moment, sighed, and continued, “ Our goal is to get out right?” Jason nodded . “ Then you need to trust me and we must work together, got it?”

“ Got it” He replied, “ But we need to hurry before we find ourselves in deep ****.”

“ I think we’re a little too late for that.”

“ What you mea…” Before he finished what he was going to say he understood what she meant. There were dozen guards pointing there loaded machine guns at them. They both simultaneously raised their hands in the air.

“ This is what you meant by deep ****, right?” Terra quietly asked.

“ Yeah basically.” He replied.

Finally after a few minutes, one of the dozen guardsmen spoke,

Update 10:

“ Ms. Gem, you’re here? Well, actually I am not very surprised to see you; since after all, you, are one of the biggest law breakers I know.” The guardsman was obviously the leader of the group. He was tall, with dark olive skin. He wore a gray suit, and as well had sunglasses shielding his eyes. His voice was lighter and had a more musical tone to it.

“ Thanks for the compliment; I do like to consider myself one of the best of the leading rebel groups.”

“ Rebel groups?” he said amusingly, “ How cliché, but again not surprising. After all, when a new leader that is actually useful comes onto the stage; somebody is bound to try to rise up against him.”

“ That’s sounds about right,” Terra glanced at Jason and saw the perplex look on his face. “ This man standing before you, is the head honcho of the high ranking guardsmen. He is the one who hired the men who kidnapped you.” He looked at the man, the amused look was still on his face.

Update 11:

He knew there was going to be a catch to the whole escape plan. Knowing the plan already failed, he inhaled air deeply, and slowly breathed out.

Then he said, “ Look; I have no idea what you want from me or from Terra, but one thing I know for sure Is that we just want to get out. So whatever you want from just take it already.”

The captain guardsman chuckled to himself as he started to slowly shake his head.

“ Mind telling us what is so funny?” Terra asked harshly.

“ What is so funny is that you think you can just give us what we need, then just let you go. That is not what we had in plan, Ms. Gem.”

“ Then what did you have in store for us?”

“ If you really insist on knowing, I guess I will just have to comply,” He stare greedily at Terra and continued, “ I want you.” He pointed his finger at Terra; she quickly grew stiff and looked at Jason with worried eyes.

Update 12:

“ Why do you want me?” Her voice grew shaky; fear can be sensed in her voice.

“ Oh, you will see.”

Jason quickly darted into the conversation, “ I hate to interrupt this fascinating conversation, but we have to go now.” They took a step to the left but the guardsmen all step closer.

“Your going nowhere Mr. Lan,” The captain discorded, “ You’ll be staying here for a while, so I suggest you make yourself right at home.” He nodded to the guardsman to his left and walked away. The guardsman he nodded to nodded to the guard to his right; they both grabbed Terra and Jason by their arms tightly. They futilely tried to escape their grasp, but could not get them to let go.

Jason thought he was going back to the room ,but the guardsmen led them off to somewhere else. As they walked past a bunch of cameras mounted on the wall, they finally got to their destination. The guardsman who had Terra, entered a number on a keypad that was on the side of the door.

Update 13:

The door slid open, and the guardsmen led them into the room.

When they entered the room, they saw something that made them hold their breath. It was worst then they thought.

Then Jason thought “ We are screwed.”

15 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    It's quite repetitive at the beginning and it's rather slow. You make quite a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes. However, I think this type of work can only improve your English, as well as reading.

  • 1 decade ago

    Dark, I didn't read what you've written, because I'm not planning to answer the question you asked. So why am I responding at all? To lend a little advice that does not depend on the specifics of what you've written. Writing is not like math. Another person cannot tell you how to do it better or faster. They can only tell you what they like. One person will tell you to add to the sexual tension between two of your characters (because that is what they'd like) then someone else will tell you to keep the relationship platonic (because that's how THEY feel these two characters should relate). The fact is there is no right or wrong answer to this type of question. Now I'm going to give you something even more important. DO NOT SHOW YOUR WORK to anyone you don't know and trust extremely well. Another author, struggling for an idea, can see your work, use it as a springboard for his own novel and get it published. Then, by the time you're ready to take yours to a publisher, it looks like you've just imitated the other's work.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Just like anything else, experience will make you better. At the beginning you will receive more criticism than compliments, but don't let it discourage you. I think the story is good, and that as you go further you will probably get better. Take the negatives as advise, and the positive as encouragement.. You should ask your English teacher for advise, and tutoring, I bet he/she would be delighted to help you.


    That said,

  • mikey
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    I don't really feel qualified to do a serious critique of your work but I'm working on a novel of my own and have found a good resource in the Yahoo! groups. There are groups for writers, where you can post your story and have other writers critique it for you. I would also recommend that you spend a lot of time reading all sorts of books. Pay special attention to how characters are developed and plots are laid out.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Hi Dark, I like your story and wanted to here the end. But you must take your time and not forget to put words were they belong. One place you forgot a word and when you read it,it sticks out like a sore thumb. I think you have a good future as a writer but there's things you need to learn first. Great job for your first time writing. LOL.

    A Friend.


  • marks
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    The rules of writing are this - Who, what, where when, how, and why. You need to cover each of these in this order. When you first start out it is "he" Who is he? Use his name at the point of the first he so people will have a sense of wondering what he is looking for instead of wondering who he is. Good luck with your writing.

  • 1 decade ago

    Make sure you don't start 5 sentences in the row with "the" gets repetitive and makes me not want to read the story.

  • Anonymous
    5 years ago

    I like the title and the poem, the rhyming couplet scheme works well for you, and makes a good read. I like the form, the rhythm, and the rhyme, but mostly I like what you have said. It shows that there is someone out there we all regret not daring to be with. The one who got away. Well done.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Doesnt have a really good flow, spelling errors, improper english, but youre young and have lots of time to work on it

  • 1 decade ago

    Good! Looking forward to the next entry.

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