Do you like my poem?? Please be brutally honest!?

Ok, I'm writing this for my english class. I know it's probably horrible, but don't worry, I have no hopes of ever becoming a poet. What I would like to know is, how can it be improved?? Ok, here it goes (oh, by the way, see if you can guess what it's about; it's ok if you can't tell, 'cause it says it in the title.).

Screams

Echo off metal walls

An iron dungeon...

Its filthy cages locked for good

What foul torture lies ahead

For these helpless prisoners, who have done no wrong?

Neglected and abused

Exploited for mankind's selfish agenda...

How much lower

Will we stoop?

Update:

Oh, and the title isn't Screams, that's the first line of the poem.

Update 2:

I know it's kinda depressing...do you think it's TOO depressing to hand in? Like, do you think my teacher will recommend a trip to the councilor? lol. Cause I'm not depressed or anything....it's just a really sad topic...

6 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    just my opinion..

    i see many images in your poem..maybe they could be

    brought out more vividly by abbreviating some of the sentence(s)..

    here is an example: (and there's alot of variations i'm thinking of..but here's one..)

    Screams

    of metal walls

    locked cages

    iron dungeon

    of filth, of torture...

    maybe something like that may appeal to you..

    it seems like what you state in the 2nd half becomes more of a statement than a poem...(but, then again, my idea of a poem goes with my suggestion...brief and loaded with imagery..so i have my

    own bias here...and limited understanding of what a poem is

    and should be..)

    anyway,

    a lot of power and awareness occurring in your poem..maybe making a specific definition of 'we' (who and what is 'we' exactly?) might give it more zing too, ...maybe?

  • 1 decade ago

    it seems too emo, if you ask me. All it seems like is you're sad, but the poem has no major goals or well defined message. Why did mankind torture these prisoners, and no one else. What made these people different from others, and what does society gain for imprisoning these people? Is the theme exploitation, alienation of the individual, some sort of interpretation of the percecution of Jesus? It's good, but you need to focus it more on a theme and reason if you want to make people sympathize with these people.

  • 1 decade ago

    It's not bad - emo as all get out, but not bad. The flow is there pretty much. I agree that you may be spending an afternoon in the counsellor's office explaining it. I went through that with my son once over a poem. Maybe you can figure out a way to make it just a little more meaningful - Pax - C

  • 1 decade ago

    I think it would be better if it were a bit more vague. There is no feel to it...it just sounds like you're talking almost. Other than that, a 7.

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  • 1 decade ago

    The first half tends to flow better. the second part sounds kinda self-righteous (IMO)

  • beachy
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    sounds dark and depressing, but it is not bad, are you talking about the war?

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