Please check my grammar.?

Please check my grammar. I am basically analyzing a picture.

There are two words in this graffiti: a gold word essentially taking over the focus of the picture, and a grey word gradually deteriorating onto the ground. The graffiti represents the California Gold Rush that occurred from 1848 to 1855, when California underwent a dramatic change.

California was perceived as a place of new beginnings, where great wealth could reward hard work and good luck; the Gold Rush was thus the beginning of the California Dream. Numerous immigrants from other states began heading toward California, forgetting their austere lives and hopeless pasts. The purple ring symbolizes the negative effects of the Gold Rush. Native Americans became the victims of disease and starvation; death and crime rates became extraordinarily high; and the environment became adulterated from toxic chemicals, leading to destroyed habitats. Nevertheless, California significantly gained its popularity and attained its epithet, “The Golden State.”

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    It all looks very good to me. Only three suggestions I would make.

    1. Double space between paragraphs 1 and 2.

    2. Remove the first semi-colon and replace it with a period. Those work as two complete independent sentences. Be sure to capitalize the first letter of the next sentence.

    3. I would insert a colon after the following sentence, since you name a series of examples which support it -- like this:

    The purple ring symbolizes the negative effects of the Gold Rush: Native Americans became the victims of disease and starvation; death and crime rates became extraordinarily high; and the environment became adulterated from toxic chemicals, leading to destroyed habitats.

    All the best to you!

  • 1 decade ago

    "Native Americans became the victims of disease and starvation; death and crime rates became extraordinarily high; and the environment became adulterated from toxic chemicals, leading to destroyed habitats."

    You need to split this long sentence into 2 sentences. After "death and crime rates became extraordinarily high", you should put a period, then start the next sentence with "The environment...etc." I just think that it would maybe flow a little better. I really think that the whole thing is written very well, that one correction I suggested is just my personal opinion. Good luck!

  • 1 decade ago

    I beleive that the last to semicolons should be replaced with commas.

  • 1 decade ago

    for me its ok but... to many commas

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