my husband and porn?
should i be worried about my husband looking at porn and trying to talk to women on those sites? or is this just something normal that men do? no we don't have sex often. i have a really fresh issues with my sexual abuse and it hinders me from wanting to have sex. so should i just let him have his porn or no?
- Anonymous1 decade agoFavorite Answer
If your not having sex, when he looks at porn, your face is the one he's seeing mentally when he looks at it. It's a common substitute for lack of intimacy.
Talking to women on-line is a different story. Looking at a picture is one-dimensional and basically harmless. When the picture starts talking back and playing on his desires, then you have problems.
Not sure what the abuse was, but hope you attain a full recovery. I assume he is aware of what happened, thus, he knows why you shy away from sex?
- fire_inur_eyesLv 71 decade ago
Wow, this is a tough problem for you two---the word is communications---you both need to sit and discuss a few things--like adults at a proper time. No blaming, yelling, screaming or crying. You are entitled to your feelings---especially about porn in your house. He is probably doing it for some reason--just to let you know in a silly way, that there is a lack of sex--instead of talking about it--he decided to go to the porn sites--knowing you will see it. Again--communicate your issues--past and present. Professional counselors can help. Your husband should be helping too. If he doesn't want to help, there isn't much to do about it. If you take a stand on the porn issue--make it an adult stand--you share everything in that house and are entitled to let him know how you feel. Your past abuse is over--however the memories are horrible and demeaning and the porn can just stir those memories again and again---they just don't disappear--but you can manage them--so get to a counselor, even by yourself if needed.If it means anything at all--millions have lived through the abuse issues using management for the pain and suffering--is the abuser gone??--any way to also bury the past?? Can you picture the abuser as a bug--easily crushed when the memories arise??God, I hope you can satisfactorly work this out.Be cool and good luck
- starflowerLv 51 decade ago
There are two really big problems in this question. Your husband should definitely be talking to other women on the porn sites. He should be your soft place to land as Dr. Phil says. He should be spending his time with you rather than looking at porn sights. Get some really good counseling for your abuse issues. After a while, get your husband to go with you.
- miester44Lv 51 decade ago
There is nothing wrong with watching porn but talking to women online should be a signal to you he needs more.
I'm sorry for your abuse but it's not something your husband did. He's trying to compensate for what he's not getting from you online. He might be afraid to talk to you about it so he puts his attention sexually in other areas like porn. If you truly love your husband then you need to talk to him and work past your abuse issues or it could get worse over time.
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- Anonymous1 decade ago
First, let's refer to it as erotica. Porn is just a pejorative term, and what I would call the "cheaply made stuff."
Erotica has been around for thousands of years. It began as painting, sculpture and poetry, and eventually evolved into literature, photography, acting, and video.
Erotica is simply an alternative form of sexual arousal; it is harmless fantasy and nothing more.
Regarding fantasy, Helen Fisher ("The First Sex," Ballantine Books, Feb. 2000) says that 71 percent of men and 72 percent of women fantasize while having sex with a partner. Men fantasize about conquest and domination, women about submission and surrender.
Dr. Joyce Brothers says, "It might relieve some of your guilt to know that many happily married individuals who have no thought or intention of ever betraying their spouse have sexual fantasies about someone other than their spouse."
Both men and women (single and in a relationship) have shown a desire to enjoy erotica in some form.
There are well over 800 million rentals of adult videotapes and DVDs in video stores across the country, and that's not 800 guys renting a million tapes each.
As long as a partner is taking care of his/her obligations and responsibilities (job, family) and seeing that the other person is being fulfilled sexually, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with enjoying alternative forms of arousal.
If he is fulfilling you sexually, give him some privacy and space to indulge in a little fantasy. Your relationship is not at risk.
- 1 decade ago
Porn is not going to have any impact on you at all. Even before you were aware of it he has probably had a secret stash that he's been masturbating to for a long time. This is completely normal and nothing to fear or be concerned about.
However, the on-line chatting is in my opinion going to cause trouble and quickly at that. If you want to head off trouble then make the on-line chatting a couples activity and definitely not on a dating site.
There are plenty of chat rooms where people flirt and joke and there are ones where couples have cyber-sex. If you don't particiapte in his sexually related chat activities he will look for someone who does (most likely on a chat site).
So learn to join in, to an extent you are comfortable, or you will be left right out.
- lilyLv 61 decade ago
Just make sure your hubby is staying away from underage girls otherwise he can be charged with a felon (yes just for chatting about sex with an underage girl) Once a felon he will never be able to find a job.
If you don't want sex why should you care? We should stop calling it sexual abuse and start calling it being signalized early. Maybe then you wouldn't have to be carrying this childhood experience into your adulthood as a bad thing. But then maybe you would have been sexually dysfunctional anyways and the abuse is just a way to blame someone else.
- 1 decade ago
looking at porn no biggie. talking to other women? that raises a red flag. I think if you want your marriage to work you both need counseling. Your past abuse is obviously hindering your sex life which is understandable.
- joshnya68Lv 41 decade ago
You shouldn't be expecting him to get over his porn-lust anymore than you are trying to get over your childish feelings about sex. You're married to the man, for god's sake, what could possibly make you feel any better about having sex with him?
If you can't let your "fresh issues" go, then let the man fulfill his needs. That's just sad.....
- 1 decade ago
Porn is a problem with a lot of men, there is looking and then there is interacting. Interacting in my opinion is wrong. If you are dealing with past abuse issues then he should be more supportive to your needs. Looking at other women is not being supportive.