Parent needs advice.?
I was just wondering how other parents handle when their child turns 18 and still lives at home. Are all rules and restrictions dropped because the child is considered an adult. My son acts like he thinks he should just have the right to come and go as he pleases, and i just don't see it this way. He's says "I'm an adult now, why should i have to ask to go somewhere, or be home by a certain time"? I'm not sure how to answer this, except to say as long as you live under my roof you will do as i say. Could someone maybe going through this same situation offer some advice. Thank you in advance.
Sometimes he will say that he might just leave, and that scares the hell out of me.
- Yvette B yvettebLv 61 decade agoFavorite Answer
yeah, they reach an age where they want all of the adult rights, but not the responsiblility.
if he is still in school, you are still responsible for him... after that, set him free. he is obviously grown up enough to have his own place, and a full time job to pay for it himself. my son tried this one on me also, but he works, put money aside for an apartment, goes to high school, paid for his own storage bin (for all of his household items he is buying for when he moves out), paid for his own vehicle, insurance, tags, title, reg, etc.
he's ready too. i'm not going to try and guilt him into staying, he's grown now, and when i am not legaly responsible for him (when he's done high school), he's free to go.
yes, its scary, but we all teach them right from wrong... and pray they listened. its like when they first started to drive... remember how scary that was? they would go driving and we would sit home by the phone, hoping all would be well.
well, it was. he did fine, and will now also. To me, bumps and bruises are to be expected, but its the landing on his/her feet thats the important lesson.
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- lildragonlexiLv 41 decade ago
It is a matter of courtesy that any person living in the home to call home when they are going to be later than expected; or when they are going to be leaving the location to which you thought they were going to be at. What if there were an emergency (a death, an accident,a fire, etc.) ...how would you reach them to let them know what had happened if you didn't know where they were?
It doesn't have anything to do with being an adult and not having to answer to anyone...it is being respectful of the people to whom gave birth to you and raised you. It would also hold true if he lived with friends or other relatives. A person should always know where a person is and how to reach them if perhaps they fail to show up at the expected time. If you didn't know when they were expected...he could be laying dead somewhere or kidnapped by some pervert or pyscho and how would you know when or where to start looking for them or to report them as missing?
As for him threatening to move out...remind him that he will need you before you need him. You have an established home and a career....he on the other hand will have new rules to face and have to answer to wherever he goes.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
Yes, he is an adult, but he is still living in your home. It depends on the specific situation, but he should still have to respect you and your home. It's not necessarily that he should have to ask your permission every time he leaves the house, but there is nothing wrong with expecting him to tell you where he's going, when he will be home, etc. Turning 18 does not make someone an adult overnight. If he threatens to move out, that is a choice that he can make. He'll have to learn the hard way that he had it pretty good at your house.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
The truth of the matter is that you both are right. While he lives under your roof you should have a lot of say so in what he does however as an adult he really should have more freedom. Sounds to me like the problem really is a respect issue and you both need to earn it from each other. Once he respects you and your opinions him following your rules will be second nature. You just need to give him a bit of freedom and see what he does with it.
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- Anonymous1 decade ago
I have two 'children', one is 24 and married and the other 22 and at home...so I do know how you feel!
At 18, he is an adult and he does have the right to come and go as he pleases...that's scary and hard.
What I've always said to mine is, text me by 2am if you're staying over with a friend or if you're going to be really late home.....I tell my daughter it's just common courtesy and that if she was sharing a flat with someone she'd probably let them know if she wasn't coming home etc. So they've never minded doing that...they know it puts my mind at rest.
So I would say to your son....that you know you've overreacted...explain that suddenly he's 18 and now YOU have to learn how to let him go and it would really help if he would just do the above. Then let him go.
You will get used to it even though you'll be awake waiting for that key to go in the door...I don't think that ever changes!
The more you try to insist on him doing what YOU want, the more likely he'll want to get out a.s.a.p.
Hope that helps.
- michelleLv 51 decade ago
Well for me personally im not sure,,,,,my son is 14 now. I dont ever see him leaving when hes 18. But in your sons defense if hes 18 and has a job,,,then i would let him come and go as he pleases. Im sure you have some certain rules that he cant go against like having people in your home all hours of the night,,,which i would agree with. But as long as you know thats hes ok and are able to be in contact with him if you need him then i think thats ok. He needs his independence once in awhile. And i know hes your son but at least its not a daughter that wants to stay out all hours and come and go as she pleases. Give him his right to act like an adult,,,,if he ever chooses to move out are you going to try and stop him?? We all need our time to grow up and move out from our parents. Good luck and have some faith in him.
- 1 decade ago
I stayed with my mom until I was almost 19 and I still had a curfew. It was later though only because I paid a bill, I got to stay out later. I didn't have to ask to go anywhere I just let her know where I was going and when I'd be back. I could understand my mom's rules. If you pay a bill, you're contributing to the household and then and only then do you have the right to go as you please. And as a response to your son, my mom would tell my sister. You're not grown until you're able to take care of yourself, when I don't have to feed, and provide a roof over your head. Can you do that if not I expect you to be back in this house when I say.
- 1 decade ago
Age wise, yes he is an adult, maturity wise i doubt it. Maybe you should explain to him that responsible adults have jobs and pay their own bills, and that includes rent on their own place. As long as he lives with you, he has to respect you and your wishes. I dont think your rules should be as harsh as they would be on a 16 yr old, but some rules are necessary. He shouldnt be allowed to run all over you like that. When he starts paying the bills, he can make the rules. Also, dont let him know it scares you for him to move out or he will use your weakness against you.
- 1 decade ago
I would tell him if he wants to be treated like an adult then he should start acting like one. And pay rent, elec, phone, buy own groceries. He may feel he doesn't have the same responsibilites as a 17yr old but he then owes more respect to you as a fellow adult. Maybe give him a taste of his own medicine, come and go as you please without telling him. Don't buy groceries just what you want for the day. Be selfish for a few days and I bet he'll reconsider. Him leaving maynot be the worst thing in the world. Let him see how hard it is in the "REAL WORLD".Source(s): Mum of 3
- ?Lv 71 decade ago
If I were you, I would sit him down and tell him,
"son, you have a point, you are an adult now, my job in "raising" you is behind us now, and you should be able to make your own intelligent decisions. I was wrong to say you must do as I say. I care about you, and worry about you because I love you. If I promise to lighten up, will you promise to let me know when you're leaving and approximately when to expect you back, so I don't worry so much?" (this is assuming he isn't doing things that disrupt the house, and generally being an obnoxious spoiled brat)
I would also, in a separate conversation, let him know it's time to pay for his keep like an adult, since he chooses to act like one. Whether you use this money for household expenses, or save it up and return it to him when he's ready to move out is up to you.
- Jerry GLv 41 decade ago
You cant treat him like he is 10 years old any more. But on the other hand it is your home. He should respect your rules. As far as moveing out, he has to some time. It will teach him how to be independant. He will not disapear off the face of the earth or be abducted by aliens. You have to let him go at some point. You may not want to but how will he learn how to if he never does. Or does he know you dont want him to and is playing you.