How do I fix it?
my husband and I have a near perfect marriage. I am aware of how lucky I am to have such a hard working, loving, good humored husband. There is one, and only one problem in our relationship. I have a problem with the typical male activity of looking at porn. I have openly listened and understand his defense, and would like to be able to change my feelings. I don't know how to change the way it makes me feel. But now it has created a problem--our first and only problem. Ourdaughter used his comp this morn and opened a porn file. I called him on it, now we have a prob. He is convinced that I check his history daily (which I dont). He cant understand whre I am coming from. Our views are divided...we do not see eye to eye on this situation...he doesn't understand why it hurts me, and I cant understand why his love and desire for me isn't enough to stop..
Problem at hand: He will be home in a few hours to discuss our prob.I don't want it to gt any worse than it already is.How do I fix it
- Anonymous1 decade agoFavorite Answer
I hate to tell you but you don't have the perfect marriage that you think you do. Porn can and does become very addictive. Your husband needs to go to his doctor to get direction on how to avoid this activity. It is something that has ruined marriages and relationships due to progressing. A man that loves you doesn't need to find sexual satisfaction in porn, mistresses, strippers, or threesomes. If he has you and loves you he should be satisfied with you. If he finds you aren't enough, he needs to be man enough to discuss with you what is lacking in your relationship. Don't take this problem lightly if you want your marriage to be strong and lifelong. Good Luck.
- RaspberryLv 61 decade ago
If he looks at it from time to time it is not that big of a deal. Men are visual and it does NOT mean he would prefer to look at some other woman opposed to you. If he is looking at it daily for hours then that is a problem he needs help with. I also do not agree that he uses the same computer that the children use. Suggest he get his own computer that way you can have all the parental controls on the childrens PC and you won't have to worry if he didn't clean his PC up. Unless he is an addict it is completely normal and he is not out going to a strip club or worse, cheating. Perhaps sometime look at it with him. He will find that a turn on. I am completely old fashioned and have dealt with this with my own husband many years ago. I thought I was not good enough for him and in the end that just was not the truth. My husband adores me and likes my body just fine. The looking is just some eye candy and nothing more.
- rtanysLv 61 decade ago
First, get your daughter her own computer. Second, itlooks as though you feel this issue is going to destroy your marriage. This ONE issue. Is it really worth it? Of course not. Instead of getting hung up on this one issue, try thinking of all the non-issues that help keep your marriage a happy one. You're going to have to accept that your husband isn't perfect. If you want to see his indulgence in porn as a character flaw, then again, it's only one. There may be something you do that he doesn't like, but he accepts it. This is not worth trashing your marriage over. Porn is more fantasy than anything else (except maybe business) and he apparently finds something there that his reality (you) cannot or will not provide. If you can identify what that is, maybe you can work on a solution to this conflict together.
- rightioLv 61 decade ago
I already answered this question, but somehow it didnt get to you....I think it was deleted because I happen to have a very healthy attitude towards pornography....I dont believe its sick, although some pornography is ridiculously sick, but the majority of porn is OK. I cant go into the detail I did before because it will probably get deleted by some self righteous christian biggot....I also know of another answerer who got their question deleted, and who got a threatening email because of answering this question. All we were trying to do is to give you alternatives to thinking that all porn is dirty, and I think both of us made a valid point. All you have gotten are opinions that are acceptable to the idiot who got our answers deleted. You have not got the whole picture, you are suffering because of what is happening with your marriage, and the self-righteous biggot who got answers deleted has not helped you one little bit.....I dont know how many other answers this biggot got deleted.....all I can say is sometimes porn can aid a marriage....can make it more exciting, and I guess what I was trying to say in my last answer was.....your husband is not imagining sex with another woman...the act is the stimuli, not the woman...so dont think, you are unattractive, think of it as a marital aid....dont be bogged down with 18th Century ideas that sex is missionary and nothing else is acceptable....maybe look at a few porn sites yourself....see if it doesnt give you a little buzz of sexiness.....porn is the same as fantasy.....you imagine something to enhance the sex.....not many people actually go out and experience their fantasy first hand....fantasies and porn are an aid....not a substitute for the real thing.
As for your child looking at the site....you cant change that, but if you make a big deal out of it, your child will wonder what the fuss is all about and probably want to look again....tone it down a bit and it wont be a big deal to your child...If it has disturbed your child you will be the first to know...otherwise...just make the site more secure.
Hope you get this one....lol
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- 1 decade ago
Why do you object to him looking at porn? Is it because of how it makes you feel (hurt, insecure, etc.) or is it a religious/moral objection?
If it's religious/moral reasons, you might want to ask him if he'd consider counseling, because this is a major issue.
If it's your feelings, would you consider watching/looking at it with him? It's possible that might resolve some of your concerns, seeing that it's still YOU he wants. Making it into a couples thing instead of something he does separate from you.
The fact that your daughter opened the file is concerning - he needs to either erase the files when he's done (if he can find the sites, he can figure out how to clear his history and delete files) or keep them hidden/locked on his computer. Reassure him that you were NOT checking up on him, it was just coincidence that your daughter opened that file.
All of the above is assuming that he's just looking occasionally, and it's not an addiction or destructive. It seems like it may be more of a power struggle than anything else on his part. Also assuming that it's not anything like kiddie porn.
It used to bother me when my husband did it - it was an insecurity/jealousy thing in my case. Now, I actually tease him about it. He doesn't do it openly out of respect for my feelings (he's still not 100% sure that it really doesn't bother me anymore), but he also doesn't go to great lengths to hide it. I've come to the realization that "it doesn't matter where he gets his appetite, as long as he eats at home". I'm not really sure when/how my feelings on the issue changed, it was a gradual thing, I think. Feel free to email me if you'd like to discuss it a little further, I'd prefer not to post my ENTIRE life on Y!A.
- spunionLv 41 decade ago
Obviously this problem is hurting more than your relationship now, it is exposing your young daughter to indecent, inappropriate material. He doesn't need to see your point of view to stop looking at porn, if he knows that it is something he does that you strongly dislike, he needs to stop doing it. If you were out flirting with guys, or doing some activity that he strongly disliked, you most likely would stop for him. When you're in a relationship, your activities affect more than just yourself, you have to think about how what you do affects your partner also. Go to a marriage counselor, if that doesn't stop him, erase it all or install some sort of parental control on the computer to send him a stronger message that what he is doing is not acceptable to you.
- LydiaLv 71 decade ago
Him doing this is totally disrespectful to you as his wife, to your marriage and to all women in general. You have NOWHERE near a perfect marriage, girl! This is a HUGE issue, which you have to resolve now. Your kid finding porn is just the tip of the iceberg. You fix this by having him totally STOP - that is the only thing that will save your relationship. Ask him how he'd like his little daughter to grow up and be the girl in the porn pictures other guys are oogling over -- let him defend that one! You must make him see why it is so wrong.
- 1 decade ago
Well how would he feel if you looked up naked men on the computer...?
I think there is no problem appreciating other woman's bodies. But if it makes you uncomfortable, I believe he should respect your opinion. I'm bisexual so it doesn't bother me when my boyfriend looks at porn. But I did tell him as long as there is no intent(masturbating) because of these pictures, I really couldn't care less. But he should not be looking for porn on the same computer your daughter uses.
My boyfriend explained to me it's not something they really think about. If they are just sitting there it comes natural to search it. He doesn't see the harm behind because he's not sitting there like oh my god I wish Virginia looked like that. It's just something to look at to him. It's like when us ladies look at some guy running by at the beach or something like that.
All in all, talk it over and don't get angry when he can't see your side but just tell him to put himself in your shoes.
Email me and let me know how it goes: firstname.lastname@example.org
- SunshineLv 61 decade ago
My husband just recently started looking at porn on the internet and I find it totally unacceptable and he doesn't have a problem with it. I have thought about looking at male porn in front of him and comment on how hot they are but that would bring me to his level. I told him that it isn't what woman are really like. I told him they are acting. I also told him that I draw the line at doing crap that he sees on there. I guess there is counseling or divorce.
- 1 decade ago
Counseling. If you have a bit of money.
Just say, and as much as it hurts, "If you can't stop looking at porn, and if you can't understand that it hurts me, and it seems like you don't care. And if you truly don't care, then leave"