My poem. I need constructive criticism. Please read & comment?

Title: Leaving Me To Face The Lies

I have been considering publishing, though I am only 14. Perhaps when I am older? Please read my other poems in my recent questions section. Constructive criticism, please.

I have been facing a brick wall of lies for days now

Without a single person wondering of my motives

Nor without any questions of turning back to the real world

This is the punishment that I have chosen for my sins

And I will serve it without a single word of complaint

Maybe someone will notice me standing here alone

Or someone would care to look up for a change instead of down

This is a crime that I comitted so willingly, so freely

Is that of the upmost severity and is looked down upon

The horrible deed that I did was allow you to steal my heart

I allowed you to guide me past the darkness, towards the light

But when all was revealed to everyone, you fled in terror

Without a word of apology or vague explanation

Update:

You left me alone to their cruel eyes, the tyrant's stare

And I was trialed an unfair trial and sentenced to

A life of solitude, a life of silence, and life of songless breathing

So I stand here alone, shunned by the world of good and

I am not a welcomed resident of the pits of Hell

Not a holy, sinless person, walking through the gates of Heaven

And now I dwell in the forest of evil that even now, is lost eternally

So now, I just sit here and wait for a final resolution

I just stand here and stare as everyone passes by me

Forever wondering why you left me when I needed you most.

12 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    It's way too long when all you're basically saying is: "The horrible deed that I did was allow you to steal my heart." Getting dumped sucks, but it doesn't condemn you to the fiery pit of Hell.

  • 1 decade ago

    I think it's beautiful and haunting. The feelings are written in such a way as to cause the reader to feel empathy and sadness for the writer.

    The only changes I would make are in construction and would be as follows (I have changed to single space but that is not part of the changes I suggest):

    I have been facing a brick wall of lies for days now

    Without a single person wondering ABOUT my motives

    (OR PERHAPS: WITHOUT A SINGLE PERSON PONDERING MY MOTIVES)

    AND, without any questions of turning back to the real world,

    This is the punishment that I have chosen for my sins

    And I will serve it without a single word of complaint

    Maybe someone will notice me standing here alone

    Or someone would (LEAVE OUT CARE TO) look up for a change instead of down

    This is a crime that I COMMITTED so willingly, so freely

    IT IS of the UTMOST severity and is looked down upon

    The horrible deed (LEAVE OUT THAT I DID) was TO allow you to steal my heart

    I allowed you to guide me past the darkness, towards the light

    But when all was revealed to everyone, you fled in terror

    Without a word of apology or vague explanation

    You left me alone to their cruel eyes, the tyrant's stare

    And I was trialed an unfair trial and sentenced

    TO a life of solitude, of silence, and of songless breathing

    (LEAVE OUT REPEATED A LIFE OF)

    So I stand here alone, shunned by the world of good

    And I am not a welcomed resident of the pits of Hell

    NOR a holy, sinless person, walking through the gates of Heaven

    SO now I dwell in the forest of evil that, even now, is lost eternally

    AND now, I just sit here and wait for a final resolution

    I just stand here and stare as everyone passes by me

    Forever wondering why you left me when I needed you most.

    Really a lovely poem and I urge you to keep on writing as much as you can and as often as you can because you are really good and have things to say that are profound, deep and important.

    Vicky

  • 1 decade ago

    I take this is an excerpt of your life. Write , write. write. The more you write the better it will get. As for your feelings the older you get the more you will long for these intense feelings again. And when you find love it changes your heart.. True love now, not a passing love. Be sure to realize that when people's path cross there is only that amount of time for them to be together. In that amount of time you can develop a memory that will last a lifetime. Something way more powerful than money. Keep searching, never close your eyes, but be careful. Your young and there are people who would love to exploit you, just be aware.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I'm worried for you individually as a person! as many have interpreted these poems seem to be excerpts from your life. What are you facing? Is there a grown up that you can confide in rather than lie to any one at all that you can trust for guidance direction of help. Please take a chance and talk to someone gramam grampa aunt uncle mom or dad. they may seem to be lecturing you all of the time but you have to realize they do that because they care and love you. YOu may be surprised to find out they did not react the way you thought they would.

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  • 1 decade ago

    i once brought a poem here for the same purposes, and after seeing some answers, i couldnt write for weeks. anyway, the early stages of a poem was more like a letter, it was too simple, i mean little poetic devices and so on. i know you might like it simple but im trying to say what lovers of poetry would like. the end part was better. i know at times you just feel like pouring out exactly what is in your heart but then those devices are the only difference bw a poem and a story. work on it. have fun

  • 1 decade ago

    Lies? Death? Darkness?... Crimes? Oh, my God.... Anyway, it's very beautiful for someone who is 14 years old... Well done. I'm 14 years old, too...and I don't think I could write something like that... Keep trying, although I hope you have some happy poems, too. :D:D:D This one is... full of terror....:D:D

  • 1 decade ago

    It is excellent you have recognized your gift for words and writing.

    Criticism? Why would you want that so early in the game. As you progress and enter contests or publications, they will be sure to give you enough feed back.

    Source(s): Go to google search and type in poetry contests you will get a slew you can enter in and learn from. You just might suprise yourself!
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    It's amazing writing. Although I have a feeling that it is kind of true too? But really whatever the situation is you seem to have really good preception of usage of words and creating verses with them. Keep it up and yes please publish it.

  • 1 decade ago

    Pretty good for a 14 year old. Its sounds really deep.

  • 1 decade ago

    could be shorter, you think? If posted to a site like yahoo....

    good grasp of imagery.

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