Please review my poem. I need constructive criticism?

Title: You Were The One

Written by a 14 year old girl

Once upon a time, I believed in love

I believed in happiness and trust

I believed that no one would ever break my heart

Until you came along

Until you walked into my life

I gave you my trust freely

And you used it to get the best of me

And as I sat there, I had no idea

That you would soon grab a hold of my heart

And tear it in half and shred it to peices

And as you destroyed me

I watched as you went to her

And I watched as you both held hands

And I saw as you both smiled

Together

And then I realized

That you were the one

You were the one who walked me through life

You were the one who made me love myself

You were the one that made me believe in true love

But now

You are the one who makes me walk through life

Alone

You are the one who makes me hate myself

You are the one who makes me believe in true hate

And yet, as I watch you from my corner

Update:

I realized that for some odd reason

I still love you.

And yet I hate you.

But I can't live without you.

I wrote this poem when I found out that my best guy friend started going out with a girl who he only knew for 3 days, instead of me, who loved him, who knew him for 3 years. He is still with the same girl; but when I was writing this, I was very angry. I still feel the same way, but different. You know?

13 Answers

Relevance
  • 1 decade ago
    Best Answer

    It was a touching poem, but you could definitely improve of some things. Firstly, better word choice, your words don't express the anger and mixed emotions you are full of, only your sadness. I also would've liked to see use of figurative language, inanimate objects sometimes relate to emotions that make all the difference. Another thing, improve the flow of your poem. Your poem doesn't move smoothly, sounds a bit choppy here and there. some transition words would make it better, also you use too many line breaks. Some things that you put in a different line belong in te line before it. After I read one line it sounds incomplete, then I pause, and read the next line. I see the word you needed in the previous line, but I paused after the previous line and then read the next. This destroys the flow of the poem, otherwise, beautiful poem!

  • 1 decade ago

    You said you want a constructive criticism.

    As a poem, it expresses your feeling well, so it is a plus. But the feeling you expressed is, disappointment, distrust, and hate. If you wanted to express negative feelings, you did very well. If you wanted otherwise, it is not good.

    If you are going to turn this in as an assignment for your classes, the feelings are too raw and not developed. You might perhaps use metaphors to soften the rawness but still carry the thought.

    I am a bit concerned about the content. Especially the part "I can't live without you" and the overall distrust. You might benefit from being counseled by someone neutral to put things in prospective a little better, to assure yourself, your whole world is not collapsing.

    It all depends on what angle you want people to evaluate your work.

  • 1 decade ago

    I personally think it is very good! Well done! You are a very mature person and are explaining emotions that a lot of people find very hard to get out. I found parts of your poem connecting with me, and I am sure others will feel the same. That, I believe, is what being a good poet is about; connecting with people.

    Good work! And remember; the art to writing a good poem is writing about what you know, how you feel and connecting with your audience. I sense great things for you :) Good luck!

  • 1 decade ago

    That is a great way to express the way you are feeling...one thing I think you need to learn yet is that boys think a lot differently than girls. How many times did you tell him the way you thought of him? That you wanted to be with him? If the answer to those questions are "zero" then you have no reason to be upset...because he didn't know how you felt...if the answer is "several" then he wasn't the one for you anyways. Be strong, hold your head up high! Believe in yourself...you have the ability to express your feelings greatly through writing...just try saying them outloud once in a while...it feels a lot better than holding them in...

    Source(s): 2 years experience holding my feelings inside...
  • How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
  • 1 decade ago

    I like this poem, a little insight for you, as you grow older your feelings don't change about the people you love. You learn to accept their decisions and move on with life. I wish you had some of the black music of the late 60's and early 70's around. It was all about love. Go on with your life, you have tasted love, imagine what it will be like when somebody loves you back as much as you love them. But be careful, take your time growing up,when your gown up you don't get to come back. Try to live your life so you can look back and smile on it. Its worth the sacrifices. Good Luck

  • 1 decade ago

    I don't think it's good poetry. However, it is an honest expression of your feelings, to include in your personal diary or journal. Someday, when you are older and have recovered from this first loss of love, and have found someone better, you can look back in your journal and see how much you have grown and matured. That will feel good. Use this as a start of such a journal, and write in it for many years to come.

  • 1 decade ago

    What a beautiful, yet sad, poem...

    Well, I like the way you play with each line, and you directly say what you're feeling. Sometimes when I write poems, I use a lot of symbols that are hard to understand, but yours is clear and sincere. Overall I like it! Keep writing

    =)

  • 1 decade ago

    Young girl your poem need some rhyme scheme, it has none at all, you should look up the meaning of rhyme scheme in a poem and you will under stand what i mean, you could cut down your poem to a 14 line stanza also. Now my advice to you is to go to school stay there until you are graduated move on to college, them to university complete your studies get your degrees climb to the top of the ladder and guess what men of integrity will be on their knees bowing to you, if you think i am kidding just beleive me and do it and you will later on searching to find me to tell me thanks, for get about so-called love at your tender age.

  • 1 decade ago

    Great work! The only suggestion, watch your past and present tense usage, eg 'as I watch you' 'I realized', in the last stanza, either use 'as I watched', 'I realized' or 'as I watch' 'I realize'....

    Other than that, keep up the great work, think of getting some of your work published or submitting it to online Card companies like Blue Mountain or SPS Studios (div. of Blue Mountain).

    Good stuff!

    Source(s): Writer (poetry - published) and mystery novels - due for publication
  • 1 decade ago

    a great expression of your feelings, and a beautiful poem. good work, youve got some talent!

Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.