Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Education & ReferenceHomework Help · 1 decade ago

Please review my poem! Constructive criticism is needed! It's needed for a school project on Bitterness.?

Expectations

You expect me to be the best,

To be above all the rest,

But I've got to say,

It put's more pressure on me everyday.

I try to ace every test,

But some things I just can't retain.

When I fail and you say,

"You did your best. It's okay."

It makes me fel like I'm letting you down,

And that inside your smile is really a frown.

I hate to disappoint you,

So I give up some things I'd like to do,

To stay home and study up,

Because deep down I know why you pressure me.

You want me to have a better life than you had,

To never have to need something I just can't have,

So I'll go to school,

And try to be the best I can be,

Because Mom,

It used to make me angry,

That you wanted so much from me,

But now I see,

You only want me to be happy.

The last lines seem increibly weak so help is deperatley needed! Also do you think it would fall under the bitterness category?

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  • 1 decade ago
    Best Answer

    What you're saying shows a good deal of insight - very well expressed. If you don't fancy a career as a poet you should consider psychology ...

    Looking at it as a poem; I think that if you were to read it aloud you might want to smooth some of the lines that seem a little too long and jerky, and sometimes you seem to be going for a rhyme at the expense of the sense (and, given that it's free verse, you don't have to do that). But it's your poem and I wouldn't mark it down on those grounds ... I'd just ask you to read it again and listen and if you want it that way, I wouldn't argue. (I'm a published poet, and I also know that nothing angers a poet more than criticism). If there's a technical problem, it's that the last syllable (in 'happy') is maybe too light - it doesn't finish on as firm as sound as it could.

    Tell you what .. suppose you kept the words in the last couple of lines but spread them over more lines, like this: 'Because, Mom/I used to get so mad/At your wanting so much from me/But now I see/That you only want me/To have joy.' Something like that? Definitely not finish with 'To be glad' - that's a really clang of a rhyme.

    Would you mind playing with those ideas a little? because your thinking is very insightful, and one of the pleasures in this poem is that it's *not* about bitterness that's current - it's about insight into bitterness, it's bitterness understood and therefore well on its way to being forgiven. You have real talent.

  • Miriam
    Lv 4
    4 years ago

    You said you want a constructive criticism. As a poem, it expresses your feeling well, so it is a plus. But the feeling you expressed is, disappointment, distrust, and hate. If you wanted to express negative feelings, you did very well. If you wanted otherwise, it is not good. If you are going to turn this in as an assignment for your classes, the feelings are too raw and not developed. You might perhaps use metaphors to soften the rawness but still carry the thought. I am a bit concerned about the content. Especially the part "I can't live without you" and the overall distrust. You might benefit from being counseled by someone neutral to put things in prospective a little better, to assure yourself, your whole world is not collapsing. It all depends on what angle you want people to evaluate your work.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I would say that in order to get a better poem, you need to get some better subject matter. I don't know how you're going to take this but its hard to take seriously. Every student out there has issues with homework and studying whether their parents don't care at all or whether they get physically beaten or emotionally abused over their grades. The fact that your mom tells you its okay but you detect a little dissappointment is the best anynone could ever hope for. So yes, the poem has a pretty weak feel to it, because it's like you wrote a poem about having to position your hair clip a couple times before it looks right, and trying to evoke emotion with it- doesn't work at all. I'm sure that you have deeper issues than the one you wrote about, so why don't you try using something with more substance. In my humble opinion. Good luck. :)

  • 1 decade ago

    Beautiful, way to get your point across. I will have to be careful in how I react to my son's scores. He is a 7th grader and I have always told him that I don't care about his grades as long as he is trying. But if he is not asking me for help or his teacher, he is not trying. I tell him that I realize somethings may be harder to understand than others. If he is asking for help with things he doesn't understand, he is trying. Now I have to look at this from his side. Not what I am saying, but what he is hearing. Thank You!

    I would remove the 5th from last line and meld it with the second from last: But Mom, now I see, Other than that I wouldn't change a thing. Not bitter. more a resolution of conflict.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Concentrate on having the rythm flowing more. Don't have a short line and then a line that takes a breath and then some to say. Keep it similar. Other than that I love it. The last lines are the best, they aren't weak at all. Alter the words a little have a better flow

  • 1 decade ago

    ROSES AND THORNS:

    ROSES: I really liked that! It developed a great message to younger kids. I also liked how in some parts of the poem it has rhyme and in other parts it doesn't rhyme. Personally I didn't think the end was weak at all, it's a strong and powerful ending to me.

    THORNS: I think the weakest in it was the beginning... it kind of left me a little confused... But once I got toward the end I understood it a little better... but I'm only in the 8th grade, so for me spectacular job!

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    "It puts"...no apostrophe.

    Because Mom,

    Although it used to make me angry

    That you wanted so much from me.

    I see now

    You only want me to be happy.

    Or you could say:

    At times it makes me angry

    That you want so much from me...

    ......then finish.

    That adds a bit more bitterness to your poem.

    I think your poem is great! I kind of get the bitterness, but it sounds as though you feel bitter at times, but you understand why she has those expectations. It's not an angry bitterness poem, but an understanding one. I imagine most of the poems will relay anger and disappointment, so yours will be pretty unique.

  • VW
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    Loved the poem. I don't think it falls under bitterness though, unless it's about past bitterness and then forgiveness. You might want to replace angry with bitter. Try this: Because mom, when bitterness is all I knew, and you asked so much of me, I now understand what you wanted me to do, for your daughter to be happy.

  • 1 decade ago

    For one thing, it doesn't need so many commas. Also, the rhyming sounds a bit forced. It's not exactly bitter, and the 'because Mom' is what's making the ending weak.

  • 1 decade ago

    i think it is very good and on part of it u misspelled feel u put fel. i don't think it would fall into the bitterness category. i think it is a hopeful poem. i don't think that the last lines are weak and u r a very good poet

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