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Lv 7
? asked in 社會及文化語言 · 1 decade ago

本人是會考自修生,懇請各高手們改正一下本人的文章,恩同再做 thx

http://www.xanga.com/hkcee_01

本人是會考自修生,以上網址是本人的作文,自知錯誤甚多,懇請各高手們改正一下本人的文章,如發現有任何不通順或 有較皆的句法,文法錯誤,還望修改指點. 感激萬分.

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  • 1 decade ago
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    原文:Recently, a frightened thing happened to me. Last Saturday evening, my friends and I felt bored so we went to a large department. We walked around and see something we like. We both was still bored and decided to hide inside for a joke.

    That day at night(果晚), when there was no one around and we realized the doors were locked. We were happy that we were on our own. We were just about to play together in fashion department. All of a sudden, I find that one of the dummies was shaking. I knew something was wrong. Three minute later, another dummy with expression on its face stretched its hand and caught one of my friends. His face was white as a sheet and looked to be in a state of shock. What a bother! Without thinking, we rescued him and we all run away as fast as I could.

    We left fashion department and come to toys department. As soon as we all were there, I thought we were safe. But I was wrong. We got much poorer than before. There were supermen, plains and some toys attacked us heavily. Chris Wong was the poorest one who was knocked down by a tank. Luckily, it was not too badly. We rushed away that place. We just ran but we didn抰 know where we went for safety. We came by the art department. A knight holding a sword on the picture ran out of the picture and chased after us. We came by some books on a bookshelf flying out and attacked us. We all were scared but there was nothing we could do. One of the store department doors was opened. I realized it was other day morning. We all ran away home as fast as we could and none of us dare to look back.

    建議:

    first of all, if u want to use frighten as an adjective, it should be in -ing form

    2. if your is a formal essay, try not to use the word "thing", u can use "issue" "event" "effect"...etc.

    3. had happened

    4. were bored

    5. walked around and saw (keep using one tense in a sentence)

    6. So, you said you two saw something both like, and then you talked about you two hiding somewhere...........i can't see any connection between the two... add another sentence or make two into one to give them a relationship

    7.That day at night(果晚), <<

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  • 1 decade ago

    Recently, a (frightening) thing happened to me. Last Saturday evening, my friends and I felt bored so we went to a large department (store). We walked around and (saw) something we like. Both of us were still bored and decided to hide inside (the department store/a cupboard) for a joke.

    (That night), when (no one was around) and we realized the doors were locked. We were happy that we were on our own. We were just about to play together in fashion department, (when all of a sudden), I found that one of the dummies was shaking. I knew something was wrong. Three minute later, another dummy with expression on its face [what is the expression?? we don't write like that] stretched its hand and caught one of my friends. His [your friend or who??] face was (as) white as a sheet and looked (as if) in a state of shock. What a bother! Without thinking, we rescued him and we all (ran) away as fast as I could.

    We left (the) fashion department and (came) to (the) toys department. As soon as we were (all) there, I thought we were safe. But I was wrong. We got much poorer than before. There were supermen, plains [planes??] and some toys attacked us heavily. Chris Wong was the poorest one who was knocked down by a tank. Luckily, it was not too badly. We rushed away that place. We just ran but we didn't know where we (were heading to) for safety. We came by the art department. A knight holding a sword on the picture ran out of the picture and chased after us. We came by (the books department,) some books on a bookshelf (flew) out and attacked us. We (were all) scared but there was nothing we could do. One of the department store doors was opened. I realized it was (the next morning already). We all ran home as fast as we could and none of us dare to look back.

    I've only corrected grammatical mistakes, those in ( ) are corrected. For some of the content i dont quite get what you mean, those in [ ], perhaps you would like to revise them. I think there is space for improvement in your descriptions and expressions. Try to use more different sentence structure and phrase, you hv repeated, say, as..as we could , came by etc for several times. And for this kind of narrative stories, you can write in a more casual and informal way, like making use of dialogues and informal languages, this would make your passage more interesting.

    Source(s): hope this helps!! add oil for ur coming exam >
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