My husband and his mother???

I need some advice on what to do... this is the situation. I have been married for 8 years and we have 3 children together and another 1 on the way. My husband works a part time job for "fun" in addition to his regular full time job. He took 2 days off this last week to help his mother. She has not really been a part of his life since she chose her boyfriend over her 2 oldest sons. I have had very hard pregnancies the last 2 children and this one is proving to be the same. I told him I was not feeling well and he said "oh well" and went to work. He has to work a 9 hour shift today and wont be home until after I have put the kids in bed. Why can't he care about us the way he does his mom and dad? He chose to make these kids and to marry me, when do I become important? What should I do? How would you feel?

Update:

This is a new behavior for him, well with the job anyway.

17 Answers

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  • April
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago
    Best Answer

    1. All sons are inordinately bonded to mama.... it is really just a smaller version of oedipus rex complex. And some moms are more invasive than others. He is apparently allowing her to be more invasive than you would prefer.... You need to be more direct with your requests --- see below

    2. If there is really nothing he can do about your morning sickness, don't tell him about it.... husbands really feel pretty helpless unless you have a specific request ...."I need you to go to the pharmacy and buy some......"

    "I don't feel well...." gives him nothing to go on. So, you have two issues here:

    1. you are married to a guy who feels a bit more concern over his mom's needs than yours, (but she is letting him know what she needs, you apparently from this note, are not.... a complaint is not an expression of need....and

    2. You are not communicating effectively what you want him to do for you. (Is her boyfriend her now husband??? I'm confused here). Learn to communicate your wishes.... great book to read, cheap, and still in paperback --- teaches you ways to get what you want without trouncing on someone's ego.... "The Assertive Option"...cheap at Amazon.com. still the standard in counseling/communication classes because no one has yet written one better, worth every dime.

    No, he didn't choose to "make these kids"--- This was a choice the two of you made together, either consciously or by default ... "to do nothing is to decide" If you each chose to not use birth control, then you each chose to be parents together... (To jump out of an airplane and not pull the chute cord, IS a decision. to have sex, and NOT use birth control is a choice to be a parent.)

    You asked... hope this is helpful

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Maybe he feels that by helping his Mother that he can get a relationship started with her in a more close way. I guess he knows your pregnant and with 3 children it's realizes that he can't miss work every time you don't feel well. If he is home all the time when isn't working two job to support the family better, you maybe should feel lucky that he is a type of person that works, you see so many men that will not hold down 1 job and want you to go to work. when you aren't pregnant. I think he loves you and the children , maybe just not the type to

    show his love for other than giving you a good life.

  • 1 decade ago

    I understand what you are going through. Your husband needs to be more supportive but how can you get him to act the way you want him to act? Try killing him with kindness, make him want to spend time with you and the kids. Try not to complain even though being pregnant and having three kids you have every right to complain. It was nice of him to help his mom but it would be even nicer if he could help his pregnant wife. Really show appreciation for any little thing he does do for you so that he wants to do more. Make him be in a position to spend more time with his kids. Don't give him a choice when he gets home say " I am running out to so some errands watch the kids for a few hours" when he sees how tough it is to take care of the children on his own maybe he will realize how important you are. Don't give up, good luck!

  • 1 decade ago

    Men don't stay around the home if they see it as more unpleasant than working, etc. Try to make his homelife more inviting and a pleasant place to be. If you're cranky and the children are cantankerous, he will not want to stay around. Have you ever heard "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."? Well, there is something to that. Moms set the mood about the house, be it peaceful and fun or just the opposite. Here are some ways to make him want to stay home:

    Smile at him when he walks into the room.

    Speak to him in a sweet voice.

    If you need to make a request, do it respectfully, without sarcasm.

    Thank him for the things he does for you/family. He needs to know someone appreciates him. This may be why he likes helping others.

    Try this for a week and see if it helps.

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  • 1 decade ago

    You should tell your husband how you feel and let it be known that your Married and marriage is a joint affair tell him that he should help out more with the kids and that you need his attention and affection just as much as his parents if not more your the mother of his children and he should at least show you that you are an important part of his life. If this doesn't work seek out help and support from family and friends be less depended on him and don't be as quick for him and maybe he will see how i feels to be neglected.

  • 1 decade ago

    It sounds like you two have some problems. He's avoiding you. Why? What is it about your relationship that's pushing him away? I'm sure it's not the sex. But is the sex something you've been using? Married eight years and four kids? How can you afford them? Is it possible he's using every effort to get some cash? As you are sitting there in an emotional stew, is he too busy to notice as his day is filled with worrying about money? But then, there is the relationship with you and the so many unasked questions. So, perhaps it's time to sit and talk. You don't see eye to eye as you are at odds with him. You are out of relationship. You are not his best friend. You are not thinking of him. AND you may be correct with your concerns. But instead of asking us, ASK HIM. Be polite, be patient, be kind, be generous and understand whatever answer he gives you is equally your responsibility as well.

  • 1 decade ago

    Sounds like you're both under a HUGE amount of stress...men and women deal with stress in different ways.

    He's pouring himself into work and other activities outside the house. This helps him forget all the stress he's under.

    Make your time together as important as possible....I know you don't feel well...but try with all your might to create special time with him.

    Don't rag on him about his parents, work, how you feel terrible...just take a day to be as pleasant as humanly possible. Ask him how his day was...rub his back...I swear, your kindness will transfer to him.

    If one spouse is super kind and gentle, nothing but good can come from it...your children need the two of you together.

    So, what I'm saying is...for one day, starting tomorrow...PRETEND that everything is wonderful....a day of tender, loving gentleness toward him may turn into weeks. He'll treat you like a queen after this, I mean it.

    Create a reason for him to bust his a** to get home to you...

    Let all of us know how it goes...it's amazing how we can re-train our moods and our Men.

  • 1 decade ago

    Let him know that he helped create these children and he needs to help you take care of them. If he can take two days off to help his mother, he can take a few minutes a day here and there to help you out with the kids. Now you need to go take a bubble bath, and when you get out you want the three kids fed and put to bed.

  • 1 decade ago

    It takes something to happen for men like that to see whats before them. my husband was the same way. Until I left him. It took a couple of times of me leaving and had to stay away a while. And a whole lot of prayer. Eventually, he asked us to come, and I did after I seen a change.

  • 1 decade ago

    i just saw something on tv about that woman who drowned her five children in the bathtub. it was so sad...and her husband was kind of like yours, in that he went off to work and left the care of all those children totally up to her...

    she suffered from post-partum depression and got to the point where it was all just too much for her to deal with...her husband did not seem to realize or care. and it turned out so tragically for that family. maybe your husband should think about this...cuz it sounds to me like he is not shouldering his responsibility to you and your children. i will bet he is happy enough to have the sex that makes the babies...but doesn't want to help raise them. that makes him a jerk in my book.

    if you need help, go to your doctor, ask about post-partum depression...do you have any friends or family who can help you with the kids? give you a break, so that you can have some rest and time to yourself?

    tell the jerk no more sex til he acts like a man and a father!

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