Poetry help!?

i need to know what anyone thinks of this poem and where i can fix it up a bit. it for my friend

When im down when im blue

You’re the helping hand that’s true.

You’re there in my good times and bad

And you always help me when im sad

Though sickness and health till death do we part

But marriage might tear us apart.

Though we see little of each other

I know you’ll always be my soul brother

And as I preach and as I cry

You know that I would never lie

Cas you’re my best friend through thick and thin

And id never trough this away in a bin

So please open you heart and shut you ears

Cas this friendship will go on for years and years

And I hope thus make you realise

That I will sail the skies

For you

3 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I would name this poem Keepsakes and Promises I wrote a poem by the same name but it got washed with my clothes and I didn't have a second copy. I also would never change a meaning in a poem. You meant to write that and you should keep it that way.

  • 1 decade ago

    Well...I think you have a good start. Just remember iambic pentameter...if you have a line that has 10 beats, your answering line should have 10 beats as well.

    Also, something else that might help is to stay away from obvious rhymes. Don't use a word just because it's the only thing you can think of. Like in your "thick and thin" part...

    "You're my best friend through thick and thin...

    Always will be, always have been."

    Something like that would say what you are feeling, but wouldn't be using a word you might not want to use just to make it rhyme.

  • 1 decade ago

    Not bad!!!! But it should be I'd never throw the away in a bin. Go on for years. (saying it once is enough). realize, I'm ,'til , Maybe you could say, you know that I would never lie. "cause you're my best friend through thick and thin, and lying to you would be my biggest sin. Sounds alright to me. Just a few minor errors.

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