Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Education & ReferenceHomework Help · 1 decade ago

how can i edit this more?

i have and assighnment from my english class to change the paragraph (one from dicey's son) below to a kindergartner level. the paragraph under that is what i came up with. can anybody help me make it better?

(original)

There was silence for a few minuets, while everybody looked at what everybody else had made (everybody except dicey, who kept on reading), and Miss Eversleigh went around to everyone, like a general reviewing the troops, Dicey thought, acting as if the aprons mattered. When the first ripple of laughter began, Dicey looked up.

(kindergartner level)

Everybody stood quietly looking at everyone else’s apron (dicey was the only one not looking at everyone else), and Miss Eversleigh walked around to everyone, studying their aprons, Dicey thought, playing like the aprons mattered. It was at the first laugh that Dicey looked up.

Update:

dicey is a girl

3 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Try this...

    It was quiet while the kids looked at the aprons they had made. Dicey did not look. He read. The teacher looked at each apron. Someone laughed. Dicey looked up.

    It still is not really at a kindergartener level, but it is much better...

  • Titan
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    Everybody looked at what all the others had made when there was a silence for a few minutes. But Dicey kept on reading.

    Miss Eversligh went around to everyone. It looked like a general seeing his troops. This is what Dicey thought. He acted as if aprons mattered. He heard the first laugh. He looked up.

  • 1 decade ago

    I don't see a lot of difference between your version and the original.

    May I suggest the you concentrate on how you would illustrate the child's version and adjust your verse accordingly. You want it to be simple, but accurate. Your kindergarten level is way too sophisticated. Instead of the third person narrative, try the first person. "Dicey looked at the other aprons, etc."

    Good luck. BTW, I think the instructor who assigned this is intuitive and sensitive. You're luck to have a class with him or her.

    Good luck. God bless!

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