what do you think?

this is a poem i wrote and i would like some outside opinion. if you like this one then go to we-love-poems.net and there is this one on their and another.

The Darkened Path

By: Rebecca Rosten

As I wonder down this darkened street

Tears fall from my eyes as I weep.

My dreams of love are destroyed

All because of a simple boy.

I thought his kiss meant true love.

I thought his touch meant he cared.

But then he failed to show,

Leaving me in the cold.

The deep passion of his kiss

Is nowhere to be seen.

The everlasting love,

Is just a memory.

Now as i walk down this dimly lighted street,

With thoughts of the love lost ever present in my mind,

My heart is in pieces on the street before me.

How could he take my hand in his,

and kiss me gently on the lips,

Then leave me here to wander down this hellaciuos ally?

3 Answers

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Ok. Here are some thoughts:

    Poetry is meant to flow from the lips. It evokes a certain emotion out of the reader, and allows them into the intimate thoughts of the poet. You have the makings for a good poem here, and I'll offer some of what I know about poetry itself so you can hopefully gain insight on how to express yourself in a deeper language.

    One of the interesting aspects of poetry is meter. Think about a sonnet and how it is written. Each line in the stanza has 10 syllables, 4 lines, and rhymes on 1/2/1/2. Threes stanzas per poem, finished with a couplet (two lines that the last words rhyme).

    You can follow simple models to get your meter down, and things will improve from there.

    To have a general rhyming scheme (or no rhyme at all) is also important. It inject lines of verse that rhyme, with lines written in a completely different style makes for a very muddled composition. Try rhyming in a pattern, or just get prosaic and not rhyme at all.

    Lastly, you should take a look at a thesaurus, and increase your word power. Once you start using better sounding words in your poetry, it will vastly improve.

    Hope this helps, and good luck with the edit!

  • 1 decade ago

    Third word should be "wander" by the way. I like the poem, and I HOPE it isn't a real experience of yours - very sad! What makes it good is that it expresses the real pain of lost love and rejection, and doesn't repeat in a boring way. Keep on writing. And happy new year!

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    i love it!

    it's pure, it's simple, and it has a deep meaning and emotion to it.

    i just hope that didn't happen to you, sweetie!

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