I have an elderly parent living with me and my new husband and she's driving me crazy. What do I do?

I love my mother very much, that is why she is living with my and not in a home. However she is very disrepectful. She reads my mail, compalins that I don't do my laundry enough, says i never have enough food in the house, this goes on and on. If she THINKS my husband and I are arguing she calls my sister and tells her. She is destroying my brand hew home, which I bought so she can live there. There are holes in the walls, cabinets and appliaces are nicked and scratched, my woodwork is horridly beat up, my carpet is stained from her cats throwing up, not to mention when she moved in she didn't think her room was big enough so she took over the master bedroom. We spent $10,000 finishing off the basement for us to have some space. However she will throw her walker down the steps and go through our stuff when we are gone. I know this because I started locking the door and she my sister. AAAHHHHH!!!!! I'm going nuts!!!

Update:

One person responded there is something I am not telling. Beleive it or not its all true. On my father's death bed he made me promise I would take care of my mother, I only have one sibling (my sister) and she has always been mom's favorite, mom wanted to live with my sister but my sister said no and she would put her in a home. The thing is her Doctor said she is fully capable of living in assisted living and not a nursing home. She refuses.

9 Answers

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  • D N
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I, too, care for an elderly mother and I empathize with your situation.

    Unfortunately, with aging comes unrealistic and oftentimes incomprehensible demands. Much of it is based on the need to control things, events and people since they themselves believe they have no control over their own life.

    The only recommendation I can make is that you consider, if you don't have the finances readily available, that you take out a mortgage on your home so as to move her into a retirement or independent living facility. See if any neighbours will adopt the cats. Everyone will be better off in the long run.

    You need to keep your sanity, marriage and home in tact. Know that you are a good daughter and as I've been told "I don't know how you handle or deal with this --- you must be sitting on the Right Hand side of the Pope". I believe this is true for you as well.

    Take care.

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  • 1 decade ago

    I'm sorry to tell you this but it is time for Mom to move in with your sister . Or go to a home . You can't live like this . Your mother is either in the first stages of Alzheimers ( don't know if that is spelled right ) or she is just a big pain in the butt . Not to mention a control freak . I can tell you can't talk to her . She has got to have the last word . If she is not taking care of her self and her cats , she has to be taken care of . I know this sounds really harsh . But believe me if you want to have a life with your husband and start to live a good married life . Get Mom out of your house . There are assistant living homes . Your Mother can be independent and in control but still have someone look over her needs. First get her to a doctor to see if this is a physical thing like the above mentioned or that your mother is just what she seems to be a hard nose , mean , control freak . I know you love your Mother . We all do . But if your not happy then your husband isn't happy either . I think you must look long and hard at this situation . This is not a light thing . But you must think of your own sanity . Living like this your not going to last to much longer . Get a gripe get going . I know I sound hard . But I'm not . I have seen this before . I know what your going through . Good Luck .

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  • 1 decade ago

    It may be necessary for your sister to also take some responsibility in the care of your mom also. That and/or having her move into a retirement home. It is a noble thing that you have done but if it is causing a strain in your relationship, and making your life a living hell (as that is how it sounds) then there may be no other option. If your sister refuses to help and take her mom so you can both switch off and have some down time then a home it will have to be. Good luck to you and hopefully your sanity will return shortly.

    Source(s): 51 years life experience
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  • 1 decade ago

    WOW!

    I think you need to talk to your mother and tell her how much you are trying to make her comfortable in the house but you don't appreciate her reading your mail, eavesdropping on your conversations with your husband, staining your carpet, scratching up appliances and so on. Explain to her that you spent a LOT of money buying the house and even more on fixing up the basement. Tell her that you love her but if she wants to continue living in your house then she needs to have a little bit more respect for you and your husband.

    If she continues to treat your property like this, tell her she has 2 weeks to find a new place and kick her out. It may be mean, but what she is doing is even meaner. Plus, she can't say you didn't give her a second chance.

    Good luck!

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  • 1 decade ago

    Taking care of your mother means doing what is best for her. The first you have to do is put your husband first and concentrate on your marriage. Talk to your mother and sister and explain that your mother's behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. Set down guidelines and start looking for a residential home for her. Do not, repeat, do not let the guilt trip that will be tried get to you. I am sure your dad would understand and want you to do what is best for your mother. Enlist the help of her doctor and any other professionals that you need to. Good luck, I'll be praying for you

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  • 1 decade ago

    You make her out sound very unreasonable, and there really is only one way to deal with this. You tell her that she is a guest in your home, and you expect her to respect your property and privacy and if she can't do that then she can't live with you anymore. How could this woman possibly have raised you? You know right from wrong, you know not to destroy another person's home, so how could she be so far off the mark? What aren't you telling us. something doesn't ring true about your story? Your husband must be a saint to put up with this.

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  • 1 decade ago

    oh boy this is a tuff one.

    first of all your just starting a new life, and your family needs to realize this.

    if you love your mother she needs to be in a place that is for elderly people, and as far as the promise you made to your dad. you are keeping your promise. you are taking care of her.

    i'm sure dad didn't mean for her to live with you till she passes. that could be along time, i'm sure dad would be ok with moving her in to a low income place. after all that is taken care of her. it's not like you kicked her in to the street. your making sure she's is going to have a safe place for her.

    if your sister has a problem with the to choices you make,

    then tell her she needs to take over and make choices then, and not that she live with you.

    honey don't do this to you and your new husband. your relationship will never grow, as long as your mother is living with you. cuz it will cuz problems with u and your husband.

    GOOD LUCK, stand up for your self and for what will make you happy.

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  • 1 decade ago

    if that's the case then i would sit her down and tell her that if she continues to do the things she doing, then you will be forced into putting her in a nursing home. then if she continues to do it, put her in a home. it may be better for all parties.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Tell her to rent a small apartment nearby. That way you can still check on her now and then.

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