How can I get my step-son to see I'm not really a bad person?

I married my husband almost 18 yrs ago. I had a daughter and he had a set of twins. Over the years one of the twins has grown to really dislike me. He has told me to my face that I'm not a good parent to my youngest son and if he had his way he would take him away from me and not let me see him at all. well I know theres no way he can do this. I have not done anything wrong to the twin to make him hate me so much. Now he's getting married and has told me I am not invited to the wedding. All I could do was cry (after he left of course), I feel like he ripped my heart out and stomped all over it. I love him and his twin brother so much. How can I get him to see I'm not a bad person and see how much I love him? Please help!!!! I feel I'm fighting a loosing battle with him. He's starting to get the other twin to dislike me now. I can't handle loosing both of them. They have been in my life for 21 years and feel they are my kids too. Any help out there?

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Surely your husband knows why his son dislikes you so much (since your at a lost) Talk to your hubby and see if he knows. Try having a sit down with your step son to see if he will sit and talk to you about whatever the issues are. 18 years is a long time for someone to be in your life and hate you without you having a clue as to why. If he refuses to talk to you - there is nothing you can do to make him talk to you. ALL you can do is be yourself and NOT try to kiss his asss to get him to talk to you. Live your life...its all you can do.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I have been on the other foot to your problem. I have had a step mom now for like 32 years. She was a very hateful mother and she beat us alot. For years i tried to see that i can be a forgiving person to all this but after my Dad passed away in 1999, I began to dislike her and have not spoken to her since 1999. If you have been good to this other twin then I am sure he will see your not some evil person. He sounds old enough to see through all that! I just hope you havenot bad mouthed his Dad because over the years of your lack of forgiveness and him hearing all of that. Well it would be easier for him to take the side to the other twin. Just keep showing him you do Love him. dont play into the game of argueing with him.

    Source(s): My Childhood.
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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    i don't under stand why he thinks you are a bad parent,did something happen or is this just angry words?you will have to get everyone together including dad and have a open forum .ask bluntly why are you so angry with me.i know our young adults can be very difficult but 1 of the things they are good at is speaking their mind so give him the chance and when its over its over and you make that clear.also you make it very clear that you will not be threatened when it comes to your younger son.if it cannot be resolved then it will be his loss. unfortunately some times tough love is the only answer. i'm a mom of 4 a 3 yr;old 24 - 25 -22 .i'm not a step mom but you have feelings to you deserve that respect. good luck with you family discussion .may you have a great new year.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Look--everyone needs get along here for the sake of the children and to be friends--even if there are not so good feelings. Kids have a way of tuning into harsh feelings and acting on them.

    Tell this child that you're not there to be his mom--just to be his friend. Just be you and ignore his nasty behavior with your own nurturing mom behavior--it's hard--I know--but you need to. It will get to the point when you can't and when it does--this is the time when you and his dad and his mom need to sit down with him and talk with him and let him know that his antics and behavior are no longer tolerable.

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  • 1 decade ago

    you can and will not be able to change the way her feels.....

    I think something is going on with with his birth Mom or maybe her family. .

    The wedding is his and his bride's to plan, if he does not want you there, then you should not go. He might even ostracize your daughter.....

    He will regret this later in life, but right now he wants to hurt you for some reason.

    I want to know where your husband is with all this??? Is he aware?

    If he is not trying to console you, or talk to his son, I ask myself, is something going on with him????

    Lots of unanswered questions.

    You must remember that you should not take this personally... This is not your choice, your fault, or your decision.

    .For whatever reason, he wants to hurt you...

    He might be, being coached by someone.......

    You are not responsible for his feelings or actions, they are self inflicted.....he is choosing this....

    Your hands are tied... You can't spend your time fretting about this, you will drive yourself crazy..

    During the week-end of the wedding, I think I would take a short vacation with my daughter if she wants to come or go and visit a girlfriend.. Do not dwell on the wedding. let it go....

    I feel for you, after being in their lives for so long......

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  • 1 decade ago

    wow, it's been a long time! Maybe he really just doesnt like you cause you took their dad away. I know I would think like that. But you would think, that he would know by now you are a good person and you did the right thing.. What does your husband have to say about it? Ask them why they hate you and what have you done to hurt them and what can you do to get them not to hate you anymore. sorry you are hurting, but you need to get answers from them, before you can feel better and get more love.

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  • 1 decade ago

    If things are truely as you depict them, then there isn't anything you can do really. You can talk to them and ask them to try to work things out, and if you do, then you have to be open minded when they start slinging the mud. Is it possible that you have acted poorly, or selfishly, or controlling, or favored your child, and that you are just unwilling to own that? Is it possible that your stepson is being influenced by other people who percieve you as bad? There are just too many possibilities here....

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  • 1 decade ago

    Try to get him to tell you exactley where the dislike stemmed from, then see if you can work it out. He could've seen or heard something when he was little that he misunderstood, that grew out of proportion over the years. Get him to open up..... no matter what it takes, keep trying

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  • al b
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    have you discussed this with your husband???? Sounds to me like your step son has some problems and I don't think you are the cause of them, just the one who is the focus of his anger and cruel statements. However, there are cases where children truely just do not like their parents.

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  • 1 decade ago

    get him to go to a movie with him and his twin... and the same 4 ur husband. u spend a day with ur stepkids and he spends a day with your kids

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