please help , what to do to deal with a death of a loved one and the guilt?
A few years ago my ex boyfriend passed away at a young age.
They say the good die young. BUT Ever since I got the news My life has changed. Im no longer the happy person I once was. I know I should just get over it but I feel I will NEVER get over it. We left on bad terms and it was my fault, a few months later he passed..I didnt get to say sorry and now I suffer the guilt for being the way I was. I wish there was a psychic or something that could tell me if he knows that im sorry...if his spirit is still out there. Then maybe I could rest a little easier.
If anyone has any advice to help cope with a loss and the guilt , please send it my way . thank you
- 1 decade agoFavorite Answer
I know you are hurting.
Time heals and if that isn't fast enough: there is a whole therapy to saying good-by and grieving.
Please don't go looking for a psychic. They are phony.
You know that his spirit lives on and is in you forever. You may sometimes forget it but you can never erase it. Put your hand on your heart and talk to him and guess what? I bet he will answer you. Are you listening?
- WhiteLilac1Lv 61 decade ago
If it has been left than five years then you are most likely still processing grief. I have found that it takes a full five years to get over the death of someone close (I'm not saying you feel the same after four years as you did after one, but it does take the five to kind of feel like youself again.)
Guilt is one part of the grieving process. Some of what you are thinking right now could be from being "under the influence" of grief, and you could be taking more responsibility for things that you ought to.
You may have to reason things out like this: If you had someone you cared about do something crummy to you, you would probably either know the person didn't want it to go that way or else you'd be disgusted with that person.
If you had someone you don't care about do something you wouldn't care about it anyway.
Chances are in his last month he either no longer cared about what went on or else knew you well enough to know you would have come around to feeling bad about what happens.
One thing I have seen, though, is this: People have their one life, and when it gets down to the end of that one life they tend to get so wrapped up in their own situation they don't care much about who has done what or is doing what - even when its people they love. It isn't that they don't care in general; but they do get so wrapped up in their own thing they can't be worried about anything but themselves.
Sometimes we do tend to overestimate our importance in the lives of even people who love us.
You need to find some idea (or just a shred of an idea) that is kind of comforting to you, and hang onto that for now. Over time you'll process the guilt a little more, and eventually you'll find some way to be a peace with it.
One other thought: If he had some condition that was kind of leading up to his passing (depression can come with illness, he could have had some other medical condition going on, etc.) it is possible that the bad terms you mentioned were contributed to by some medical or mental health condition he was going through right before he passed away. He may have known he wasn't himself, as well, and he may have believed there was no point trying to do anything but move on.
- 1 decade ago
I'm so sorry for your loss. Death is never an easy thing to understand especially when someone so young has passed. Only time will heal you. Don't feel guilty or blame yourself. Your boyfriend wouldn't want you to feel this way. Everyone has arguments. He forgives you. Forgive yourself. It will take time but soon you'll find yourself smiling when you think of him. Remember the fun and special moments with him. That's what he would want you to do.
- 1 decade ago
Ok this is going to sound harsh, it's not meant to I just can't figure out any other way to word it. Wherever he is spending his after life do you really think that that is his main focus? I am sure that he knew even before he passed that you were sorry. But I hope to G-d you aren't saying your sorry, just because he passed. I can't offer you much advice, this type of thing always sticks with you. Somwhere in the back of your mind it's always there, but would he want you living your whole life guilt ridden? In his memory you should live your life to the fullest, because he didn't get to. Again, if any of this sounded harsh I apologize.
- How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
- 1 decade ago
I had the same issue with the passing of my daddy when I was 13. We had a fight and I never said I was sorry!
I feel he understood and knew that it was just a silly fight and that I loved him.. once you pass on the after life I don't think you hold a grudge or that you do not forgive!
I think your ex has forgiven you , now you forgive yourself and move on! Stop beating yourself up! Live!
- Debra DLv 71 decade ago
His spirit is out there and he understands. You didn't cause his death and we all regret things we say at times or there's never enough time to say all the good things we should say. He'd want you to move on and be happy.
- j bLv 51 decade ago
He knows you're sorry. Don't feel guilty, it just wastes precious time. Forgive yourself. You had no idea what was going to happen. God Bless. Write him a letter spilling out everything you feel. You will feel better.
- 1 decade ago
the worst part of death is always the guilt... let me just say that you had NO part of the death... remember him for who he was, and accept this and move on...