I need help with my arguments for this paper? Does it sound OK?

I have this paper for my English class.

The needs of students are being ignored by schools, resulting in violence. My first reason to support my argument is that schools are not safe enough. And I talked about low security and how kids are able to sell weapons and drugs at school. My second kind of plays off of the low security in schools, because I talk about why and what kinds of violence kids do. kids feel like they can't talk to staff members so they use violence. My third is that school punishments are not working because kids are not learning from it and that they should focus on teaching kids how to communicate better with each other, also because they are not enforced. My question is, what paragraph should I talk about how kids feel unsafe in schools and it hinders their education in. Or should I leave it out.

I need to more ideas for my paragraphs, they need to be longer.

I kind of feel like I’m repeating myself in my second and third paragraphs, I could me just me.

7 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I see your argument as this, these are the needs that are being ignored, resulting in violence

    a. Safety

    b. Communication

    c. Discipline

    Stick with each of these arguments and focus on them separately. Your statement that students feel unsafe goes in your paragraphs on the need to be or feel safe being ignored.

    Detail how communication has broke down , leading to violence. Talk about communciation between students, between students and teachers, students and parents and students and administration

    Finally talk about how lack of school discipline or inconsistency in it causes further violence. Concentrate just on that area.

    Your ideas are ok, just scattered. Give more details and examples to fill out your paper. Do a little research and cite some actual statistics.

  • 1 decade ago

    The needs of students are being ignored by school officials, resulting in violence. My first reason to support my argument is that schools do not have enough security if any at all. And I talked about low security and how kids are able to sell weapons and drugs at school. My second kind of plays off of the low security in schools, because I talk about why and what kinds of violence kids do. Kids feel like they can't talk to staff members, because they fell they are just a number, so they use violence. My third is that school punishments are not working because kids are not learning from it and that they should focus on teaching kids how to communicate better with each other, also because they are not enforced. My question is, what paragraph should I talk about how kids feel unsafe in schools and it hinders their education in. Or should I leave it out.

    I need to more ideas for my paragraphs, they need to be longer.

    I kind of feel like I’m repeating myself in my second and third paragraphs, I could me just me.

    Kids feel unsafe should be in your closing paragraph.

    The reasons most kids feel unsafe in the schools are because the rules of the schools are not enforced or they are only enforced to certain kids. If the teachers worked on communication skills to help the kids and teachers better understand each other it may help with the violence in schools.

  • 1 decade ago

    I would look at it more globally. The issue of school security is not just what is going on in school, but what is happening in the surrounding community. Why do you think some schools do better than others? Some school districts are sought after - people move to them just so their kids can attend. It is the involvement of the community in the school / money for equipment and other opportunities / motivated teachers and good leadership etc... When kids are interested and involved in what is going on at school - they are invested in it and their future.

    You should talk about your perspective and what you think is wrong about the way things work and how you think they should be changed for the better.

    Sounds like an interesting paper.

  • 1 decade ago

    in the third paragraph, write about what the school *should* offer, as in, how it could rectify the problem.. teachers seem to like it when you do past, present, future in 5-paragraph essay format. So combine the 2nd and 3rd into the 2nd paragraph, sounds like a great essay topic!~

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    what you have is good by it is not structured, it need to be a complex chain of reasoning(eg, reason 1, followed by reason 2, followed by reason 3..etc...until you conclude with a conclusion.) Between each reason link it together. Conclude with conclusion idicators suchas " hence,therefore,thus." Put in facts and opinions but make sure you can differ between the two. To check the credibility and whther you argument is successful do a counter argument and see which is stronger..if yours isnt keep working!

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    sounds like it will be a good essay, in the 3rd paragragh, try and let them know what exactly the school could do to become a bertter and safer place, also, let them know how you feel about everything, be very presise. by the way, what kind of school do you go to where weapons are sold? my school never had that, only drugs, but hey who doesn't love a joint every now and than lol

  • Anonymous
    4 years ago

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