My dad died last year and need advice as to how to help mom?

My mom and dad were married 35 years and he passed away last year after being in the ICU for five months. Its so hard to deal with the grief of losing him but its especially difficult when mom talks about him so much. I know I need to be a good daughter and listen to her as you deals with the loss. However, everytime she brings him up it hurts for me just to talk about it. I guess I just have to bear it in an effort to be a sholder for her to cry on?

I don't have a question here - I just need advice from someone who may have the same experiences.

13 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I suggest that you try to guide her in the direction of talking about the good things, funny things so that she doesn't just dwell on sad depressing things. If she talks to much about Dad and before it really gets you,~~sit next to her,take her hand between the two of yours and explain to her how you also miss Dad and how it hurts you & take it from there,all in a one on one closeness. (You might want to suggest that you and her set aside a certain time of day or night for say 30 minutes to sit and talk about nothing but Dad. If you or she think of something during the day to say about Dad, save it for that special Dad Time.

    I am an only daughter. I burried my precious Mother in 1985.

    I spent a lot of time with my Mother dying. I don't regret that at all. I only wish I had held those precious hardworking hands more than I did. I crocheted a lot and she said once, Do you have to do that all the time? To be honest,that was my therapy. My Mother was 80 when she died. I was in therapy a long time. We were so close. Do the best you can Honey, bite your lip, don't say anything when you are tired and down that you would feel bad about after she died. Mothers depend on Daughters. God bless you for reaching out. Hearing other views will help you to carry on and you will be Blessed. Have a Happy New Year.

    If you want to email me you

    Source(s): jewel~~USA
  • Me2
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    My folks were married for 40 years. My dad passed and I was daddy's girl. I was close to mom but dad and I did lots together. After he died I was devastated. But at the funeral we had a young priest. He was only 28. He knew the closeness of the family. I specifically remember him saying that dad was out of pain and in a beautiful place. He said if it hurts so much then you are just being selfish. You must let him go. You have wonderful thoughts that should be shared. But let him go so that he may be happy and free. It's selfish to want him to have stayed when he was so ill.

    I had also heard a story on some show where a child was sitting on a bench in heaven. All of the other kids were telling him to come and play. He said he couldn't. His mom wouldn't let him go. Think of this. Don't you want your dad to go and be with the others? Let him go play. You have fond memories and nobody can take them away. Share them with mom or anybody. It hurts. But it's good times. When you are feeling down you have to think of one moment that you spent with him that made you feel terrific or laugh uncontrolably. Keep this as a permanent memory. Think of it on the bad times. It really is uplifting after a while. It's been 16 years now and I still miss him. But I have great times I think of. Hang onto the good times. Let mom vent. Maybe you should too. If you hold it in, that's not good either. Remember him......but let him go play.

  • First, I am so sorry for you.... Try to keep in mind that your father and mother were married for 35 years! Can you imagine losing that special someone that you shared everything with? The person that she spent her time talking to and sleeping next to and loving is no longer there. She is going to be very lonely and sad for a long time. Maybe if you suggested that you both get counseling for people that have lost a family member she would go. And then when she sees how good it feels to go in alone and talk she will start leaving it all there and then you and her can start trying to have a better time together. Time dear, is what it takes.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    My step dad died suddenly on Easter, 1999 walking into Church for Mass at 49 years old. It was shocking and horrible, terrifying and amazingly sad all rolled up into one.

    My mother, who had been married to him for twenty years held it together thru the funeral and the visits with family, but struggled with her grief for quite some time after he died. She went to grief counseling, which helped, and even went on a trip they had planned together.

    One thing she shared with me was that it was the strangest feeling to no longer be part of a couple. Those feelings were strongest around the holidays and other special events, because it was all the two of them, and now it was just her.

    It might be that your mom is still searching for her role as a single, widowed woman, and looking for somebody to talk to as she no longer has your dad to confide in. She shares with you because your loss, while different than hers, is so similar on so many levels. You both lost a man who was an important part of your life.

    Let your mom work thru this however she needs to, and share your thoughts and grief with her, too. She won't break, and it won't make things worse. I'm sure she wants to know that you're sad, too.

    Encourage her to go to grief counseling, privately or at a Church, or in a group. Finding people who can relate to your situation helps a great deal.

  • How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
  • 1 decade ago

    OK, my sister died last year and my mom went kind of nuts. She talked about her A LOT, which just added to the stress of having my sister die. However, I told her that she needed to focus on what was here and now. My sister died of Heart Disease. I also told my mother that she was blessed. Think about how many women each year are raped, beaten, murdered... my sister died of a natural cause. Now, I know this might now be the most nice way of saying it, but if your father passed away because of a natural cause, then that's life. People live and die each day. Also, help your mom remeber all the wonderful things about him. And if you can, try hard to listen to her. Take her out of the house for walks, to shop, etc. It was hard for my mom to go out because things ended up reminding her of my sister, but I still made her some with me. At first she wasn't too happy about it, but slowly she started to come to terms with things. Your mohter was blessed to be married for 35 years and have children. Think of how many people you know that were even married for that long... not too many that I can think of. Try to talk with her. Maybe even make a photo album or pictures of them together over the years.... Hope this helps.

  • Anonymous
    5 years ago

    Dealing with a Death is hard, it seems even especially hard during the holidays. I have experience death with several members in my immediate family. But, you know. Life really does go on and it helps to think they are no longer in pain. I do believe, there is life after death. I say you go ahead with your plans, and it is really OK to talk about your feelings, think about the good times, that you have have or had with your love ones. Our family does it all the time, we get the laughing and talking and remembering some even crying. But, it feels good to get it out and then only then can we truly move on. Have a very Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year. God Bless.

  • 1 decade ago

    I've had the same experience. Listent to her, it's therapeutic and she feels good talking about him to someone who knew him - his own child! Plus, there are going to be a lot of things she will share about their marriage that you never knew, good and possibly not so good but they are her memories and she wants to share them with someone - you!

    I had to deal with my mom being clingy when my father passed. It was awkward and sometimes annoying, but I understood why and I let her know my grieving point and that I too had boudaries, sorrows, memories etc. Let your mom know how emotional your father's passing is for you also and she will be more considerate about talking about it all the time. Sometimes people tend to think they are the only ones hurting, no harm to you, that's just how it is sometimes. I'm sorry to hear about your father passing, you'll be fine. It just gets hard when really happy moments or turning points happen in your life.

  • 1 decade ago

    everyone deals with grief differently. you can be there for your mom by listening to her because she's dealing with it by talking about it. but you can also take the opportunity to tell her how you feel. if you don't want to talk about it so much, she should be understanding of you too and respect your feelings. there is no right way to deal with the loss of a loved one. it's very nice of you to want to be there for your mom, but you need to allow yourself the time you need as well. your mom loves you and she will understand.

  • 1 decade ago

    her talking about him is one of the ways we deal with death. my father in law died 3 years ago tomorrow and we all still talk about him and i feel him around me almost everyday. it's been a year since your dad died and there's just no way to tell your mom she can't talk about him hun...maybe she needs someone else she can talk may help.

  • 1 decade ago

    what you should do is when she brings it up say happy things not things that are going to make you cry. or you can make arts and crafts, play board games, etc. so it will keep your mind of it

Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.