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Depressed because i am getting married??????

I have been with my bf for a year and half but no matter what i do i cant seem to shake my feelings for my ex.f who i feel like i am still in love with?I have tried very hard and i care for my bf very much but do not feel what i think i should for him but i dont want to hurt him.I agreed to marry him because it seemed the natural progression of things in the relationship and i thought my feelings would work themselves out but that has not happened and i feel really depressed.I mean my bf is the perfect guy that my parents always wanted for me he went to Harvard and is a lawyer.I cant help but miss my ex.bf though we still keep in contact call each other from time to time this only makes me miss him more.Reason for my break up with him was my parents who thought i could do better and threatened to stop paying my college tuition.I am so unhappy but feel if i dont marry my bf i will be letting down my parents and betraying my bf?Is this normal? could this be cold feet?

Update:

I feel like i am going crazy i have talked to my mom and asked for her advice and she gave me a guilt trip.

28 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    i think that you just need to b honest with yourself and with him, i know it's not simple but marrage is a big deal u can't let yourself commit to a man for the rest of ur life knowing that u don love him, by that u'll hurt him and hurt urself, just be honest to him, he deserve it. and try to discuss it with ur parents again.

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  • 247
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    Some things to consider:

    Your parents can't and shouldn't live your life for you or make your choices on who to marry. By the way you do realized they blackmailed you. Seems quite odd that they would go to that extreme. What's next... will they blackmail you into having children within the first year of marriage, where to live, what color to paint the babies room, etc.?

    Anyhoo....

    Maybe your parents see something in your ex that you don't see and could possibly just be protecting you from making the worst mistake in your life (although it is "YOUR" life). Your statement was:

    "If you don't marry your bf you feel you'll be letting down your parents" Hummmmm? What the heck are you kidding. They're not going to be liviing with you and your husband (hopefully) and they won't be the one having a marital relationship with him or who'll have to live with him for the rest of their lives. Get a grip and put on your big girl panties and handle your business. If you truly truly love your finance with all your heart then great.. Marry him. If not.. DON'T... Not for anyone!

    Better to leave now rather than to get married and be miserable and unfair with your treatment/affections toward him which, in the end might lead you to have an affair.

    Word of caution... The grass always seems greener on the other side. This ex-bf of yours may have seemed like the "right" one, but if he was... there is a serious concern as to how you could have ever given him up "no matter what your parents said or did". You don't know if he would be a better husband, and a more responsible person in your life. If you think he would be.. then go for it. People tend to want what they can't have or they go through life with a fantasy of how things can be.

    Right now you're not being honest with yourself or with your fiance and he's truly the innocent one in this situation.

    It may not be cold feet that you're experiencing it maybe the fact that you're not with the person you truly feel you should be with. Make a decision and stick to it for all the right reason.

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  • 1 decade ago

    No it's not "normal" and it's not "cold feet". Don't you dare marry your current boyfriend if you feel this way. What a HORRIBLE thing that would be doing to him. You said you "care" for your current boyfriend then DO NOT marry him if you think you still "love" your ex. You owe it to your current boyfriend to end the marriage plans and even put the relationship on hold for a while so you can try the relationship with your EX again.

    If you marry this current boyfriend you'll either be divorced or cheating on him within 24 months..NO DOUBT!

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  • 1 decade ago

    It's much more than cold feet! Don't get married! Your heart is telling you who you should be with. If the reason you broke up with your ex is because of what your parents thought, then that's wrong. You can't let your parents or anyone else tell you who you should be with. Your the only one who can know that, & it sounds like you do know who you should be with. It wouldn't be fair to marry someone you didn't really love & would probably end up leaving. For both of you, don't get married! Good Luck!!!

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  • 1 decade ago

    Please don't do it, I'm going through the same thing, like someone else up there said you will even try to commit suicide in the long run, I understand perfectly what you mean I suppose to marry this well off guy because it is the ideal guy for my parents college graduate money and so on, but my heart is not into it, I'm still in love with this one guy, which does not have as much as my present one, and he never been to college. But I'm presently in law school and according to my parents I need someone that is on my level, but with my ex boyfriend to whom I still talk to is the best I have so much fun with him we never run out of things to say to each other he is terribly funny that most of my time I spend it laughing with him. With my actual fiance conversation is more serious and boring, and every time the thought of spending the rest of my life with him put me in a depressive mood, but leaving him will make

    me fell that I have let my parents down who sacrifice themselves to give me the best education possible. So what I do is basically keep putting off the wedding date until I can figure out a way out of this mess. For example you can tell you boyfriend that you want a very extravagant wedding which takes a lot of time to plan and prepare or that you just simply want to get married at a specific date which might be 2 to 3 years from now. I'm just giving my self enough time to finish school and help my boyfriend get somewhere and get a better job, then I'll move out of the state far away from my parents so that they don't get to criticize me. But if you feel like you are already to close to get married and you cannot back out of it, you should think that you can always get a divorce and tell your parents that things did not work exactly how you expected, I know it sounds cruel, but this is better than spending the rest of you life life miserably and making him miserable as well, because trust me if you still have feelings for your ex it is only going to get worse when you are married, because you are going to keep imagining how your life could have been different and more captivating with him,therefore you are going to love him even more so if you can back out I suggest that you do it immediately or else you will regret it for the rest of your life.

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  • 1 decade ago

    this doesn't sound like cold feet because this has been going on a while. and you are right, this isn't fair to your boyfriend. it's not really your fault, you just never got over your ex. since it doesn't sound like it was your fault you guys broke up and it was pressure from your parents, it's different. if you broke up because he cheated on you or you lied to him, it would be different. maybe you and your ex were meant to be together.

    that said, you can't live your life for others. you need to realize that you are going to marry who you are going to marry. if you marry your boyfriend because you don't want to betray him but you don't work out, you will end up going through a lot of heartbreak later with a divorce. and who cares what your parents think. they aren't living with you, they aren't going to be ever again. what they should be pushing you toward is your own happiness, not appearances.

    it's a good thing you realized this, many people don't and end up with horrible divorces and custody disputes because they are selfish or don't want to admit that they don't love their spouse.

    i can't tell you what to do and neither can anyone else here. but reading this, i don't think you should go through with it. you talk about being in love with your ex and only "caring very much" for your boyfriend. and that is not fair to him to lead him on or try to marry him when you don't love him.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Married for 4 months.. It took years for me to find my husband and we broke up and got back together millions of times... We even has some issues while we were engaged and we still got married.. My point is you have to truely love that person, marriage is forever and it takes a lot of work! Everything isn't rosey as it may seem and there will be so ups and downs...

    Forget your parents and think of your life.. Would you want to have children with this man you don't love. How can you look in the mirror everyday and be true to yourself and know that you are in love with someone else... Girl, you have your entire life ahead of you but you have to be happy for yourself!!!

    No one else but you...

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  • 1 decade ago

    Okay first off you were not put on this Earth to please your parents. You have to live life for yourself. Your choices need to be independent of what your parents would choose for you. The situation you are describing is just short of an arranged marriage. Think of how primitive that is.

    The fact that your current boyfriend is successful and all is nice but honestly if you two are truely not in love and not compatible you will only end up in divorce court down the road.

    It sounds like you need to put a stop to the engagement and let your ex know just how you really feel for him. It sounds like he still wants to be with you if you two are still communicating. You don't want to end up marrying one guy and longing for another. That could lead to infidelity and everyone would end up hurt.

    Don't make all of your decisions for your parents. They don't have to be married to the guy you pick, you do...You need to let them know that if they love you and want the best for you they will accept your decisions and support you unconditionally.

    Good luck!

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  • 1 decade ago

    This doens't sound like cold feet to me. It sounds like you know you're about to make a mistake. Getting married shouldn't be a natural progression of a relationship- it's more special than that If you can't tell the difference, then it isn't right. I wouldn't bet on your ex though. He's spent all this time moving on with his life. It's not a sure bet that you'll be with him, but don't get married if your intentions aren't right. It will make the rest of your life more difficult.

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  • lex
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    you know it would be wrong to walk down that isle and say 'i do',,so dont,,this is your life and how would he feel if after you and he split up he then found out you never wanted to get married in the first place,,he would be extremely hurt as no one wants to marry someone who doesnt want to marry them,,this is doomed before the ceremony and only your voice can call out for it all to stop,,you cannot do this for anyone but you and him,,not your parents,not your tuition,not for anything,stand up for yourself and what you know is right,,,,you may not feel like they all want you to right now but that doesnt mean you wont later,,call off the wedding and some of this stress may go away and enable you to get your feelings for your ex sorted. he may not even factor so much when the wedding isnt messing you up.this is a wedding you are talking about not shopping for a dress no one likes,,it literally is your life.

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  • 1 decade ago

    This is not cold feet. You are not in love with him. And you really need to look at what you are doing here. Why would you marry someone to make your parents happy? They are not going to be the one living with this man, sleeping with this man, having sex with this man, etc. You really should think about your own personal happiness not your parents. And not only is this unfair to you, it is unfair to this man. Have you been honest with him? He deserves a women who loves him, and you deserve to marry a man whom you love. Unless your idea of marriage is a business arrangement. I would really do some serious soul searching and make an intelligent decision. I will keep you in my prayers and I wish you the best. Good luck and God bless****

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