Marriage advise??

I have been married 19 years. Sex has come to a standstill. I know that is not all a marriage is about...but only once this year. I wonder if it will be at all next year. I find myself even dreaming about it. There is no cuddling, hugging, affection, "I love yous" or anything. I feel so lonely and frustrated. I have tried everything from romantic evenings to sexy nighties. "My husband says he is just too tired. Its boring."

Update:

He works 9 hours a day Monday through Friday. He is 44 years old. I hope there is not another woman. I doubt it...he is "here" at night and on the weekends. I just want to spice up things. I can't believe I got a thumbs down on this question...I just want to regain the close relationship I once had with my husband. Yes, I agree with the one guy that said that all the guys he knows wants it anytime they can get it....So what's up. Or not up <g>

18 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    19 years of marriage, lets stay married at 22, that would make him about 41 or so... yea.. for some men at 40 his crank is about too fall off.... so a man's drive changes too other things, work, cars, motorcycles, porno.. what ever..

    you have done your part... more so then most...

    you two need marriage counciling and time away. You may have to lighten the boat so to speak, if the work hours are killing him, sell some of the toys, smaller house and break the debt cycle that is making him work so hard.. exercise, proper food and possibly a little blue pill for him to help with his low drive...

    you two need help and you need to continue to push the issue..

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I don’t even know what its like to be married because my bum of a boyfriend won’t marry me. But ok here’s the thing. I guess after being married for so many years things start to become the same routine, perhaps that’s what’s boring? It might not be you that’s the problem, It really could be a medical issue though, depression? butt he fact hes not responding to you suggests its your two situation that may be the problem, i think personally couples should try to work their marriage out themselves before seeking therapy; the key thing here is that you two have been married for almost two decades which is a huge thing you two have achieved.. I guess when some men and women for that matter reach 40 they kinda take stock of things and look back on their life, maybe realize they wish they had done this or wish they had done that. Maybe almost like a midlife crisis. Try telling him how you feel but not in a way that makes him feel worse about thing, some other people commented on here that perhaps If you try a holiday, well that might work, or try moving house? Try CHANGING the routine. Try something new, and then all the other stuff will follow. Oh but the bit about him not wanting to have sex, **** that, look if he don’t want sex then that’s up to him, you cant wait around for that, buy a toy, trust me it works just as good, probably better. Good luck, let me know how you get on, i may one day need that advise if i EVER get married.

  • 1 decade ago

    A sad situation you have described... :( Perhaps you should concentrate on the fact that he is tired? Does he have a full-time physical job? What about a romantic getaway? For a week or at least for a weekends? The same thing happened to me, when I was too tired physically, I didn't want to hear any word of sex from my husband. But as soon as we went on a holiday, spent time under sunshine, ate, and slept a lot, my sexual desire came back. :) A few times a day...

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    You shouldn't be the only one trying to solve the problem. If you're having relations only once a year there is a lack of physical attraction from him for you. It's possible that he can have another woman or two on the side. It's feasible considering how a mans needs are. It might be the 19 years together that's keeping him from leaving you for whomever else he's messing around with. Have you brought up getting a divorce? You can't make him come to you you know. I'd end it and move on.

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  • Lydia
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    At his age, some things are going downhill for him, hormonally. It would be best to have him see a dr. , get referred to a urologist and have a battery of tests done. At his age, he is obviously getting more tired from work, and could have a significant decrease of testosterone. Because of this, and other stuff, he could simply be depressed. He will be embarrassed by this, so try to deal with it carefully. However, it is a shame that he is not at least daily affectionate with you. You need to approach him and talk with him at different times, not in a demeaning or nagging way - be as thoughtful as you can, and talk about how this is affecting the relationship. Wish you luck....

  • 1 decade ago

    Whoa. I am at a loss when I read these "my man doesn't want sex" questions. I don't personally know any man who feels this way. Most of us would take it any time, anywhere.

    If you have a couple you know that has a healthy sex life, you might mention it to the wife. Maybe she'll leak it to her husband and that guy can shame your husband a bit.

    Sorry. No other advice. Good luck.

  • 1 decade ago

    My sympathies are with you.

    There are a number of reasons a person mightlack sexual desire for their spouse. When you consider that sexual desire starts with what happens between your ears and then is greatly influenced by the marriage relationship itself, it is understandable that most of what is going to stall desire will be personal or relational in nature. There are, of course, some physical problems that can affect sexual desire too.

    The following list can be used to identify problems or potential problems:

    1) poor self image, poor sexual self image, inhibitions

    2) lack of privacy - living in close quarters with parents or (foster, natural, or step) children. This is more likely to effect women than men.

    3) busyness, stress, anxiety - it takes a certain amount of time and relaxation to make sex work. Always being stressed out or having too much to do will eventually wear out your sex drive.

    4) depression

    5) unforgivingness, deep grief, bitterness, fear, anger, hate

    6) other outlets

    7) boredom - Most of us wouldn't get excited about eating the same thing everyday for years; sex is no different.

    8) exhaustion - being occasionally tired happens to us all, but chronic exhaustion means you need to check your priorities. In men exhaustion can impair erection even if the man desires sex; similar impairment of function is believed to occur in women who are too tired.

    Don't use this list to beat each over the head with. :) Take the time to prayerfully look at what you contribute, both positively and negatively, to your marriage. Then look to see how you can help your spouse with what they bring to it also. Think: prayer, forgiveness, encouragement, creative ideas ...

  • 1 decade ago

    Have you intiated sex, if not, time to step up to the bat???

    Go out and buy something sexy and set the mood. Sounds like you're leaving sex all up to your husband. I think there's more of an underlying problem here???

  • 1 decade ago

    talk to him and try to solve problem... if you can't, leave him if you dont have little kids.. you cannot ruin your next 30 years with him if you bore him.. It's not worth it.. Not to get disappointed, you should act early and save your life..

  • 1 decade ago

    There's something else there besides "it's boring" ... try to talk him into counseling or seeing a doctor.

    Good luck.

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