i need some reeeaally funny quotes.jokess!! please!?

anyone have any really funny quotes or jokess??? pleassse i need somee

thanx

19 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Why is tigger always dirty?

    -Because he plays with Pooh!

  • 1 decade ago

    From the mind of Yogi Berra "Yogisms"

    "This is deja vu all over again"

    "You can observe a lot just by watching"

    "He must have made that before he died" - referring to a Steve McQueen movie

    On Yogi Berra Apprecaition Day in St. Louis in 1947,

    "I want to thank you for making this day necessary"

    When asked what he'd do if he found a million dollars,

    "I'd find that fellow who lost it, and if he was poor, I'd return it"

    "You've got to very careful if you don't where you're going, because you might not get there"

    "If the fans don't come out to the ball park, you can't stop them"

    And some other funny lines:

    - Age is a very high price to pay for maturity

    - Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more

    than going to a garage makes you a mechanic

    - A closed mouth gathers no feet

    - If you must choose between two evils, pick the one

    you've never done before.

    - My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a

    glance.

    - Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

    - Before you crticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes.

    That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and

    barefoot.

    "It ain't the heat, it's the humility"

    "You should always go other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours"

    "I take a two hour nap, from one to 4 o'clock"

    "If you come to a fork in the road, take it"

    "I made a wrong mistake"

  • 1 decade ago

    Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.

    - Anonymous

    Never argue with a fool. Someone watching may not be able to tell the difference.

    - Anonymous

    If everybody's thinking alike, somebody isn't thinking.

    - Anonymous

    If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.

    - Anonymous

    Don't be afraid to take one large step because you can't cross a chasm in two small leaps.

    - Anonymous

    There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

    - Henry Kissinger

    Bessie Braddock: Winston, you are drunk!

    Churchill: And Madam, you are ugly. And tomorrow, I'll be sober, and you will still be ugly.

    Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.

    - Slovenian proverb

    Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

    - Phyllis Diller

    Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

    - Woody Allen

    If you can't convince them, confuse them.

    - Harry S Truman

    It usually takes a long time to find a shorter way.

    - Anonymous

  • 1 decade ago

    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs lying on your front porch?

    Matt

    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?

    Bob

    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?

    Russel

    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hole in the ground?

    Phil

    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on your living room wall?

    Art

    How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

    They rearranged the furniture.

    Why did Helen Keller masturbate using only one hand?

    She used the other hand to moan

    How did Helen Keller burn her face?

    She answered the waffle iron.

    How did Helen Keller burn the other side of her face?

    They called back.

    Some quotes from Mark Twain:

    When angry - count ten. When very angry - swear.

    Man is the only animal that blushes........or needs to.

    When I think of the number of disagreeable people I know who have died and gone to a better place I am moved to change my way of life.

    I'll take Heaven for the climate, but Hell for the society.

    The supreme confidence of a Christian with four aces.

    Nothing tastes better than a watermelon. We know that Adam stole and ate an apple, and not a watermelon, because he repented.

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  • 1 decade ago

    these are just a few jokes off top of my head if you are under 18 plz have parents permission before reading these jokes

    1. why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory

    because she was throwing all the W's away

    2. why dont chickens wear pants

    because there pecker is on there head

    3. they say that women are like a deck of cards

    you need a heart to love them with,you need diamonds to marry theim you need a club to beat them with and you need a spade to burry them... (although i am very good to my wife i have never laid a hand on her in a mean way)

    4. how do you know if a lady use's a vibrator her kid stutter's

    5.Knock Knock

    Who's There?

    Little Boy Blue

    Little Boy Blue Who?

    Michael Jackson

    6.The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed.

    "I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"

    "Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"

    "I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too!"

    7.They were this man in the super market, and up out of the blue

    a lady came up to him and said, you must be one of my children's father. and he thaught the one time that he cheated on his wife, and he said said oh you must be the stripper from the club thta night? and she looked at him and said no I was meaning I am your childs school teacher.

    8. Why did Pee Wee herman fire all his lawyer's because he can get himself off

    9.what does a woman and a nine volt battery have in common

    you know it is wrong but sooner or later you stick your tounge to it

    10. Adam and Eve and pinch me tight went onto the hill to see a fight, Adam and Eve came back off who was left? answer the responding party would answer pinch me tight so all you do is reach out and pinch them tight

  • 1 decade ago

    Ok.here's one:

    A couple are celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary.Everything goes well until her hubby starts weeping,concerned and deeply touched by his affection she asks why,here is what he says:

    " 20 yrs ago,yr colonel dad came up to me,aimed his AK-47 gun on my temple and said: IF YA DONT MARRY MY DAUGHTER ,I WILL JAIL YOU FOR 20 YRS !,"

    After shedding a few more tears,her teary hubby replies:

    " Now I realise,had I not given in to his threat ,today I would have atleast re-gained my freedom!!"

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. There are two theories on arguing with a woman,>Neither works. Why do men become smarter during sex? >They are plugged into a genius. Why don't woman blink during sex? >Because they don't have enough time.

  • 1 decade ago

    my suggestion is to check out mark twain for the funny quotes

    "God created idiots. That was for practice. Then he created school boards."

    "Never read health books. You might die of a misprint."

    "God created man because he was disappointed in the monkey."

    "I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."

    "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little ot no influence on society."

    "Get your facts first, then you can distort them as much as you like."

    and of course there is Oscar Wilde:

    "I can resist everything but temptation"

    "Experience is the name everyone gives their mistakes."

    "It is better to be beautiful than good. . .but it is better to be good than ugly."

    "To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance."

  • 1 decade ago

    A bear and a rabbit were taking a poo in the woods. The bear asked the rabbit if he had a problem with poop sticking to his fur. The rabbit replied no. So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit.

    Source(s): Eddie Murphy "Delirious"
  • 1 decade ago

    I don't work out. If God had intended for me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

    Joan Rivers

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