blended family problem?

My wife does a lot for my kids (her stepkids). However her style of disipline is different than my ex. wife’s (she’s more direct and to the point). My daughter is used to constant attention over at my ex’s house but we have 3 kids all together. When my daughter demands attention, my wife now is getting upset and I’m upset as well sometimes because I want to give my daughter all the attention she wants. However, it’s building resentment for my daughter and my wife if I give into my daughter’s demands. Also because we have different rules I feel like I need to back my wife up but I have a hard time watching my daughter cry. I feel like I’m losing her if I don’t uphold her standard of attention at my house. I’m stuck between my daughter and doing what’s right. Last thing I want is to build resentment with my wife or lose my daughter.

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    You should have a "family meeting" with both your wife and your daughter. You need to get it out in the open and lay down some ground rules. You have to tell your daughter she can't have all the attention she wants. That can cause issues in the future. Now, I understand what you mean about wanting to do it b/c I want to also. The problem is, it's not something she'll get in the real world and she'll have to face it at some point. You should explain that other things go on and sometimes it's just not possible to have all of the attention. Also, explain to her how things are done are Mommy's house aren't going to be the same at your house and you have different rules. Tell her that her stepmom is someone to be respected. After this, let her talk about how she feels.

    Then, separately, you and your wife need to work out some sort of disciplinary action that you both agree on. You can't do one thing and have her do another...or do something that you really hate. Talk it over...communication is key.

    Good luck!

  • TNTMA
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    I'm actually kind of surprised that most posters believe your wife comes first in a situation like this. Our family is a blended family of sorts; our son was adopted by my husband; and we both strongly believe that our children always come first. Please don't misunderstand me, this does not mean you have to give into every whim your children may have, but you're their guardian, their protector. Put yourself in your daughter's shoes. She didn't choose your new wife or the current situation. With that said, I would sit down alone with your wife first, and have a talk about the fact that your daughter was used to getting more attention in her old environment and is now trying to adjust to a new mom and new household. Could your wife tone her style of disciplining down some, OR leave the disciplining of your daughter to you, since you have an understanding of your daughter beyond this new relationship? Then, once you come to an agreement, meet with your daughter and tell her that you know the situation is new and different for her, but you want everyone to try to work together as a family.

    Also, to build a new relationship with your wife, you might schedule dates where someone watches the rest of the kids and the three of you go out and do something fun, whether it's going to a movie or bowling or someplace your daughter likes to go. You can even rotate this around with the other kids if you feel they would benefit too. This is a hard adjustment for your daughter. If you don't create a gameplan with her in mind, this situation will just continue to get worse for everyone involved. And as to everyone saying you will be with your new wife forever, think of it this way. Your daughter is your blood. You've already been divorced once. Who will be in your life forever? Enough said. And you can do this without building resentment in your new wife, because if she resents the fact that you love your daughter and want whats best for her and this new family, she is the one with the problem. Good luck, Dad!

  • 1 decade ago

    Blended families are a blessing, and alot of work. I have three sets of friends who are in this wonderful situation. They have ALL encounted the same circumstances you are going through.

    #1 - you don't have to break up. You are the parents. Your children will and must accept that there are different rules for each house and that they MUST abide by them. An easy way to explain is they have to follow certain rules at school, and they have to follow certain rules in your house. This is where family meetings can help set them up. Of course, the children have to be of an age to be able to participate.

    #2 - Maybe some family counselling will help too. There might be other issues that need to be dealt with.

    #3 - It is ALL about communication and backing eachother up. Parents, whether the kids belong to both or not, have to present a united and agreed front.

    #4 - Children are happy when parents are happy. They will fight for your attention whether the family is blended or not.

    I wish you peace, love and happiness.

    Source(s): I have three sets of friends with blended families and have seen them all go through this. They have all been together for over 5 years each.
  • 1 decade ago

    You and your ex are the biological parents. And while it is admirable your wife is doing so much for your children, they are yours and she is doing your job and being put in an ackward position because of this. You ex and you need to get together and figure out rules which can be instituted in both households. Consistency and predictablitly are what children need, and so she should have a fairly similar set of rules in each household. Then, YOU should be the one instituting the rules and doling out the punishments. Your new wife is not your daughter's mother, she did not choose this woman and she did not choose for you to be divorced or to get remarried. I would explain to your current wife that you are sorry for putting her in this position and letting your daughter put so much stress on her and that you will handle it from now on. That way, your daughter gets parenting from her biological parents and your current wife feels like you stepped up to the plate to take the stress off of her.

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  • 1 decade ago

    First you and your current wife need to sit down together and set rules that you both agree on if you don't you will have the very problem you are facing now.

    Once you and your wife have set the rules for the house then you need to sit and try to explain them to the kids based on their age.

    If you and your wife can not make rules that you both agree on, it will make the household somewhat uneasy.

    If you and your ex-wife have a good relationship because your children then the three of you should discuss it together and all be on the same page.

    Source(s): Blended family myself.
  • 1 decade ago

    You're marriage needs to come first. Your children will grow up and move out. Your wife, hopefully, will be with you the rest of your life. Start by SCHEDULING (that means its written in ink) a date each week with your wife. Keep it, no matter what.

    Then (or at the same time) SCHEDULE a date with your daughter each week. Girls NEED a good relationship with their Daddy.

    Also, you need to have a set time of 15-30 minutes each day with each child. Start before the youngest's bedtime and go in order of age. If kids know that they are guaranteed to have one on one time each day at a scheduled time, they won't be as demanding the rest of the time.

    When people get too busy for family time, the family falls apart.

  • 1 decade ago

    NOT to be mean, but DO NOT give into your daughter's constant need for attention, it is not good for her, she cries because she knows if she does it loud enough and long enough she will get what she wants at everyone else's expense. Your daughter has to learn that she cannot have everything she wants. I am not saying to ignore her or neglect her, but if she starts to cry because you are not giving her attention 24/7, put her in a timeout, ground her, but do not give into her. I have a nephew who is 3 who constantly gets his way at everyone else's expense because his mom doesn't want to hear him cry--He now (at age 3) tells everyone what to do and that he is the boss (this carry's over to whereever they go, the store, other people's homes, etc) And if he doesn't get what he wants at that point he will scream and cry and stomp and threaten to punch you in the face or hit you in the stomach. He is learning nothing, no discipline, no sharing, nothing but how to manipulate everyone to do for him so he doesn't have to do for himself. And yes I know at age 3 they need help with a lot of stuff, but if you aren't teaching them how to do for themselves by helping them they are going to grow up to be selfish, spoiled people, who expect everything to be given to them and not have to lift a finger to help. I am not sure how old your daughter is, but family counseling may be a good thing for all of you.

  • 1 decade ago

    having a family discussion with all about the rules & types of attention would help... sounds like she gets more attention when acting out then when doing good......need to reverse that mode of thinking

    more praise when good would help

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    first of all ur daughter is a spoil brat, ur wife is doing the right thing,tell ur daughter that the world does not resolve around her.

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