Advice for the Unhappily Married?
Can someone plz help me out! My husband and I have been married for only a yr and a half and i can already see the end coming..He never pays attention to me i'm just his maid/cook/nanny. I never really see him, he's always gone and when he's home he's always distant to me and our 14 month old son. When we do talk it always turns into an arguement. I love him and want it to work out but I can't save our marriage by myself. I am so unhappy and it's bringing me down. Anyone have any suggestions besides leave him?
- 1 decade agoFavorite Answer
Somethings going on with him, could be another woman, could be his job, find out quick.
- 1 decade ago
----DON'T GIVE UP-----
The first 5 yrs are the hardest.
Take the baby to a baby sitter.
Before he gets home, make sure the house is beyond spotless.
Fix his favorite meal and deserts, served with the appropriate wine,candle lite and the music you played at your wedding.
Don't talk about work, bills, what so-and-so said about such-and-such, the leaky faucet, or the baby, just each other. Your likes and dislikes.
Get into the "dating and courting" mode.
Remember your first romantic date.
Don't just throw it together, put some time and effort into it.
At this point in marriage, he feels that the romance has ended.
Each of you probably feel that the other changed after you said I do. You both did, you just don't reallize it.
Each day, clean yourself up and put on a little makeup. As soon as he comes in the door, run to him, tell him how much you missed him. Ask how his day went.
Complain about nothing. Unless it's catistrophic, and you can't fix the problem yourself, he doesn't have to know all the details of all your problems. After a hard day at work, he want's to come to his castle and be with his queen.
Talk about your problems in a calm and adult manner, away from the baby. The kids don't need to get involved.
Your not just the cook, cheif bottle washer, mom, and wife, you're the family councelor. Be a good listener, and he will become one too.
Men are like children, they mimick what they see and hear.
If you want him to treat you a certain way, you have to treat him that way too.
If he forgets your birthday, say nothing, but make a big deal on his. Same with mothers day/father's day.
We as women have to teach our husbands and children by example.
If you love him as much as you say, then don't be so quick to use the words "leave him" or "divorce".
Don't say them, or think them.
Instead, what can I do to fix this problem?
You won him over once, you can do it again and again.
Unless you have a very, very good reason, don't throw your marriage away, and never give up.
Oh, yah, leave your family and friends out of your personal problems.
You may not see results right away, so be patient.
It will be worth the wait.
- 1 decade ago
Yes first problem when you do talk you argue guys don't like to talk much as it is so that is the first problem he probably feels everytime she open her mouth it to talk about my faults because you said he's never home and you are a nanny etc You are feeling really frustrated lately and when you are frustrated the baby and the whole house feels that energy that lady creates a homy environment.You have to learn to stop worrying and start praying and relaxing for you and your baby. If he is doing know good God will show you then you can cross that bridge when it gets there. Focusing on being a help mate to him even when he is not at his best. Men have a lot of frustrations at work so when he comes home thats the only place he got to try to release stress don't push him to go somewhere else by being so up tight. Do what you can do around the house and relax. You work hard all day with the baby God forbid you work outside the house. Try to focus on treating him like you want to be treated. Change you and he may see this and want the person he married at first.Do you have anyone that can take the baby for a couple of hour so when he comes home it will just be you home quiet smelling good, food and just chilling he might want to give you some you never know. A lot of new responsibilities cause a man to overlook some things not because he don't love you but your probably getting on his nerves no offence. Try to be someone he wants to hang around someone fun and sexy, and quiet. Hope it helps
- 1 decade ago
I have been in the same situation for the past four years. Even though I don't believe in taking the easy way out either, after the death of a good friend at the hands of her husband, I have decided that life is too short to live it being as unhappy as I am. Kudos to you for wanting to save your marriage, but you can't do it by yourself. Also, your child is smarter than you think, and picks up on the tension, thereby making him unhappy as well. Do what is best for you and your son, even if it means leaving (which is not always "easy"). When I am finally able to get a divorce, I will be much happier and relaxed, making me a better mother and a better person all the way around.
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- Anonymous1 decade ago
The first two years of my marriage were rough. I was ill prepared for what living together and sharing a life full time meant.Way different from dating.20 years later I am so glad it worked out.
Tell him that you are worried that the two of you will end up hating each other and that you don't want that to happen. Make sure he understands that you want to fix things so both of you can be happy and be good parents.
Do not blame him for everything when you do talk about it. If all he hears is about how much of a selfish prick he is he will become defensive and just lash out at you.
Perhaps a sheet of paper with with a line drawn down the middle of it. On one side everything he does for you and the family. And on the other everything you do. Be honest.
If it is overwhelmingly lopsided and he does not see how unfair it is, I would think you should move on in your life.
If he sees it a wants it to be better balanced,you should work hard to work things out.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
I suggest you think about these:
1. What do (did) you have in common? Schedule time for these things. Try to put the "we" back into the relationship.
2. Without meaning to, have you put the child before him in your life (or does it seem that way to him)? As a husband and father, I know that this can happen without meaning to and that it can be perceived as happening without it being so.
3. Have you talked to him? Maybe he does not realize how you feel. Or, maybe he feels the same way and is wondering what to do about it, too.
4. Have you considered counseling? If money is a factor, talk to the pastor of a local church about possible counseling.
Notice that all I have written has been with the goal to heal the relationship. Please go into whatever you do with that goal. If you start thinking "I'll try this and if it doesn't work then I will consider a divorce" then any effort is doomed before you start. So first, make up your mind: do you want to re-establish the relationship or get out of it?
- PDHLv 41 decade ago
When you talk are you getting after him for not showing the attention that you think he should, or is it just normal conversation? Sometimes if a partner doesn't like the way the other partner is acting, they tend to approach it as an attack instead of asking what is on their mind in a sincere manor.
Tell him how you feel and that you are scared that your marriage is falling apart. Then listen to his answer without trying to defend yourself if you feel like he is attacking. This will hopefully avoid an arguement and it will allow you to hear his true feelings. You will either find out what is bothering him and what you can both do to correct it, or you will find out that there is something going on that is not fixable. Either way you can learn what you need to do to get on with life and not be worried about what is going on.
- Anonymous5 years ago
The question is do you want to save the marriage? If you do, I honestly recommend getting professional counseling so the two of you can break through this wall of missed and failed communications that is growing thicker by the day. Sounds like he is as miserable as you are and has no more clue how to fix it than you have. Seriously... you have to ask yourself if you want the marriage or not. I guarantee if you leave him without resolving whatever issues you're having, you'll pick right up where the two of you left off in your next relationship. You both have hurt feelings. You're both missing what was. Is it worth it to you to get it back? Only you can answer this.
- hellyLv 61 decade ago
I'm sure he wouldn't want to make you unhappy. If he knew how bad this was making you feel, he should want to do something about it. Perhaps he hasn't fully grasped how bad things have got for you.
I would suggest sitting him down calmly and discussing this. Try not to get angry, or let it turn into an argument. Tell him calmly how you have been feeling lately, and how you feel this is destroying your marriage. Don't raise your voice. Don't allow him to raise his either. If he does start turning it into a blazing row, walk away. Tell him you don't want an argument, but that you want to discuss this like adults, and that you are deadly serious about what you are saying.
Then leave him alone for a while. Let it sink in, and let him decide what he plans to do about it. Don't expect all the answers immediately. Give him a chance to formulate his response. After all, you have been considering all this for a while, but to him it will be news.
I hope it works out for you.
- AprilLv 61 decade ago
Having a baby so soon into a relationship wasn't your greatest idea. If it wasn't planned, then be sure you don't have another for awhile...... Children are not bonding, they are divisive, hon. You two never really had a chance to be a couple and explore yourselves as a couple. Now you have this third person to worry about, and of course, your attentions, as are his, have been sidetracked..... he probably has no idea what has happened to him ---(guys truly are clueless) marriage and a baby in less than two years..... from being single guy with a girlfriend to a dad in less than two years...!!!!!!..... a big bite any anyone's book. His reaction is not unusual: he's just trying to figure out where he is, and what the hell happened.... Given this, if he will not seek some counseling, go yourself to try to understand the dynamics of your new relationship, now no longer just as a couple, but as parents.....
- Anonymous1 decade ago
Something is definitely wrong with him. Maybe he's seeing another woman. I would find out what's wrong with him ASAP. Because you are absolutely right you can't save your marriage by yourself. It takes two to make it work. So If I were you I would try talking to him and at all costs try not to get into an arguement. Then if he doesn't want to talk I would take your son and leave for a couple days to see what he does.