HELP.. I need advice on what to do?


Dad died suddenly 2 weeks ago

I have been the primary problem solver for any and every thing for these past few weeks ( I'm 50)

Mom has been very mean and hateful to me my entire life BUT I can't find it in my heart to disown her even though she has been mentally brutal to me since Dad died

Brother who is 53 has been useless with problems, Mom's needs, actually has been a hinderance creating MORE problems

We go to a very nice resturant every Christmas- getting dressed up- have done that for over 30 years

All decided on thats what we'll still

do this Christmas until today

brother corners each individual to tell them we are having Christmas dinner at his house this year

(brother has 6 cats - 2 not housebroken) house is a furball, pee pigsty and my son is highly allergic to cats

WHAT would you do?

dinner @ my house is not a option

Mom is basketcase and is leaving solution up to me to solve... as usual

9 Answers

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I'm so sorry for your loss and the heart-ache you are now experiencing.

    As kindly as you possibly can explain the situation with your son to everyone and ask that the family tradition of meeting at a restaurant not be broken for the first Christmas after your father's death. Things should remain as much the same as possible this year. Then you have a whole year to begin to form some new traditions for next year. If your brother insists on having everyone at his house and everyone wants to go perhaps you could offer to help clean up and then ask him to keep the cats in a room away from the guests so that your son can have an allergy-free Christmas meal. The key is to try to be as kind and respectful as possible. If there is no good solution at least you have tried and you can be guilt-free about starting your own tradition for Christmas with your own family.

  • 1 decade ago

    Simple, those who want to go to the cat piss hotel can go to your brother's house. The ones who want to do the usually dinner at a nice restaurant will go with you. It is time to live for yourself. You can not continue living for other people. Where your mom is concerned. People tend to hurt those that care the most about them. Her husband just died, she is angry and the only person she knows can take the pain of her anger is you. She knows no matter how she treats you; you will always be there. I understand respecting your mother especially now, knowing she has lost your father, but you have to stand up for yourself at some time.

  • 1 decade ago

    My dad died November 15th. All of us kids are very close. Sorry that your mom and you are not close. But it comes down to this.. we are unsure of Christmas day, and what it will bring. The most important thing is that our mom gets what she wants. She was married to him for 54 years. This is really bad .. We love our dad sooo much.. We are not making plans, we are taking one day at a time. Since we are all grieving so badly, none of us, including my mom are making each other feel guilty about anything, one day at a time. None of us are getting angry at each other for anything, dad wouldn't like that. If you did not want to go, I would not go. Unless your mom tells you she wants you there to make the family whole. You left some details out about how close your family is. Were you close with your dad? I think it is important that we all grieve in our own way, there is nothing else to do but that. I would suggest you ask everybody what they really want to do... and where they want to be.. no one should have any control at this time. Maybe since your dad passed, even though your brothers house is bad, maybe he is doing that as part of his grieving.. ask him.. and if nothing else, maybe it wouldn't be so bad to be there for only a few hours. What would your dad want??

  • 1 decade ago

    Sorry you have to deal with all this around the Holidays. Well try and convince your brother to keep tradition alive, if he is resistant then help him clean that pigsty of a house he lives in and have it there. Good Luck and Happy Holidays.

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  • 1 decade ago

    After reading your question, I scrolled up again and reread. There I thought.... You are 50 years old. Come on now. When you reach the age of 50, you make the decisions of where you go, who you see and who you spend quality time with. Rituals and traditions have broken many family bonds. 30 years is a ling time to do the same thing anything.

  • 1 decade ago

    tell your bro. that since your son is allergic to cats and you will not leave him out, that your family will be having dinner @ a restaurant this year , that unless he cleans up his house, it will never happen. and do it front of the rest of the family if possible, that way you're are not going behind his back. also tell him he is more than welcome to join you@the restaurant.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    for your child sake insist to go to the restaurant. and your brother sounds gross and i hate cats. good luck

  • 1 decade ago

    Is it Q or story?

    I have no time to read it all.

    Sorry i can't help you.

  • 1 decade ago

    stay away

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