Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsSingles & Dating · 1 decade ago

I need a good way to tell my boyfriend he is being too controlling?

Okay here goes..

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year and for a while he was perfect. At the beginning of last summer he made this "rule" that when school started I wouldn't be allowed to get into "deep conversation" with another guy. I could still talk to them about schoolwork or whatever. About a month went by and he changed the rule to say I couldn't talk to any guy unless I absolutely had to. Then it changed again to saying I couldn't talk to guys unless it was about my boyfriend. (This rule also applied to him and other girls, although it wouldn't bother me if he talked to girls, but he wanted to make it fair) Now the rule says I can't talk to any guys for any reason at all, I can't answer any questions they have and if one talks to me I have to be MEAN TO THEM. WTF!?! I've told him I didn't like this stupid rule and he'll ask "so you want to talk to guys?" What am I supposed to say to that??? Please help me!!

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    The guy has problems. SERIOUS problems. The best thing you can do is start looking for a way to get OUT of this relationship and as QUICKLY as you can. RUN AWAY FROM HIM AND DO NOT LOOK BACK. Find out about the cycle of violence in relationships. A man will first start out with getting control over a little of his gf's life, then a little more then a little more, and then if the girl should say no to something when she's supposed to say "yes", she gets smacked. I know, hun, I've seen it happen.

    Trust me, this is NOT how a good relationship works. In a good relationship a man will be supportive, respectful and considerate of his gf. It sounds to me as though you don't have a good idea of how a relationship is supposed to be. (No offense, I'm just being straight up).

    In relationships like this, it is a lot like the story of the frog in a pot of water. If a frog jumps into a pot of hot boiling water, he will react by jumping right back out. Now, that same frog can sit in a pot of cool water and will continue to stay there while the heat is turned up, very, very slowly, very gradually, until he boils to death. In the same way, the (for lack of a better term) "brainwashing" of the woman starts out very subtly, so subtly she often does not realize she is in a bad situation. It will continue to get worse and worse and even then she will convince herself of many fallacies to justify his violent/controlling behavior, including, "I can change him" or "he just has a little temper". NO NO NO.

    If you read nothing else, READ THIS: Don't worry about trying to convince your bf he is controlling. It is akin to trying to tell a pig that he is dirty. Or a skunk that he stinks. THIS IS THE WAY HE IS. HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE FOR YOU. THE BEST AND ONLY SOLUTION YOU HAVE IS TO RUN, RUN, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.

    Call your local domestic violence crisis line. Tell them what your boyfriend is doing and that you are concerned. ASK them their opinion about what this means. ASK other people for information and advice. ASK ASK ASK. Do NOT let him succeed in isolating you from everyone else. This is what he wants to do. this way he can have as much power and control over you as he wants.

    Men like this are like hideous creatures from your worst nightmare. LEAVE HIM GIRLFRIEND. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    The way to tell if someone is controlling and thinking only of themselves is to say "no" to them. They will immeadiately get angry, abusive and try to tell you you are wrong or defective. If you are serious about asking for advice here, you must observe how you receive any advice. If you are too caught up in the control with him, you will not take our good advice but will instead, start defending your boyfriend simply because you chose him and want to make your desicion of him correct. So here is the advice: Go to a bookstore today and read, "Controlling People" by Patricia Evans. Go to the website, www.verbalabuse.com and read the stories. Also read Varbal Abuse book by same author. Abusers do not relate to other people. They are always only thinking about themselves. If someone disagrees with them, they will fight to the death to be right. They will use whatever weapons they have to make you shut up and obey them. Many times people sell themselves out to controllers because the controller is a little bit more handsome, charming or something more than the victim feels they would normally be able to attract. So they compromise themselves to have (they think) a relationship with someone who would normally never look at them if they were real, said "no", had opinions and strength. Watch how this pans out. You go to a bookstore and read all day. He probably watches where and when you go places. If you tell him it is none of his business or don't tell him when and where you are going, he will get mad or call you names for seeking outside advice. He does not love you. He does things to make himself comfortable. Want to test it? Say no for the next week. "no", "it is none of your business", "let me get back to you", "this is my friend Justin", "your rules don't apply to me" I'm telling/ asking my mother/father", "no, I've got homework to do", "no, that's not what I said", "don't put words in my mouth", " I'll see you next week", "I need a break". There is a show on MTV where the parents of a child interview potential dates, the child goes on a date and then the child picks the old boyfriend or one of the parent's choices. You can always tell the controlling/abusive byfriends or girlfriends by the way they react after not being selected. They put down the parent's child either name calling or saying they never liked the child. They cannot take hearing no or being rejected. The abuse comes out when they are rejected. that is why they try to control everything. They feel "no" is rejection. And "no" is just how normal people talk. We have out own opinions, desires, wants and needs, Normal people negotiate even if they are afraid. Controlling people control all the time because they are afraid and too small and scared to admit it. Controlling people almost never go to therapy because they intimidate people into never confronting them on their anger and control. Read the book. Stay safe, tell a parent/ responsible adult, say no. Read the book and the website. Do not back down. that is what frustrates people who have to deal with victims. They go back and forth either feeling controlled or feeling so in love they actually take back true things they said about the controller. read the book, tell others in your life or find a counselor through a counseling department at a college, say no. Also, keep this advice to yourself and the adults you tell. Controllers will put down outside advice and usually victims like when the controller puts down others because, for that moment, he is not putting down you, so you feel like you have escaped and that the advisors are wrong. Stay safe.

  • 1 decade ago

    well, you need to tell him that if he really like you he must trust you. and tell him that you are not liking it because you also need to have your friends and that you wont have anything more than a friendship with these guys. he might understand you and if he doesent then you need to tell him that a relationship doesnt work without trust and so hge need to think 2 before giving another stupid rule....

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    You can't just tell him, because he's not going to change. Get out of there as soon as you can. You need to be free to live your life, and no one has the right to tell you how to live it. If I were dating that guy, I'd have kicked his punk-a-ss long ago. (I'd be willing to do it for you. I know karate.)

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  • How pathetic of him. He clearly does not trust you.. do you want to be with someone that does not trust you? I would hate it, it sounds like you are living in a prison, break out of there!! You'll find someone else who will not be so controlling, or perhaps it will be a wake up call for him to grow up...

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Tell him tht you will NOT be given "rules" about whom you have conversations with etc.... if he can't handle it leave him ....actually I can't believe you've put up with this shite for a year - where is your backbone and self respect? Your bf is immature, controlling and borderline crazy.

  • 1 decade ago

    Cover him in kisses and tell him he is the only one that you will MORE THAN TALK TO. Guys will constantly approach you throughout your life. Whenever this happens, after they first say hello, introduce your man.

  • 1 decade ago

    Talk to him.. make him see sense. thats the ultimate solution..

  • 1 decade ago

    Get rid of him as soon as possible.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    DON'T LET HIM TELL YOU WHAT TO DO

    YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO TALK TO WHO EVER YOU WANT TO

    HE SOUNDS TO CONTROLING

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