I have a 28 year friendship with my best guy friend. His wife has never liked me because for many years he...
was in love with me. I cut off my communication with him while I was married because it didn't seem appropriete but after my hubby left me homeless I needed family and he was the only fam I had. But because his wife still hates me, he could never tell her that we have been chatting. I don't like that he is not honest with her about the whole situation and we just had our second fight in 28 years. He was on Yahoo messenger from home and I said hi and he suddenly popped up saying, " is this ****??, I told you not to IM me. You need to respect my wishes." Then a couple seconds later I get an IM from him saying "*she* was standing right here and I panicked, chat later...". Wouldn't that make you angry? He just hurt my rep with her even more then it already was!!! If it was that she didn't like my looks I could deal with that, but his choice of words label me as some sort of stalker and adulterous boundary disrespecter. Should I walk away from a 28 year friendship or what? HELP!!
JUST FOR THE RECORD... I have in fact told him MANY times that I loved him enough to know that I would rather walk away from our friendship and never see him again if I was ANY sort of distraction to him and his marriage. I KNOW first hand what friendships can do to marriages with both sexes involved. I have decided to walk away. I AM innocent. Speaking with her might uncover some lies he told or possibly told to her and thats not my place. he needs to be honest with her and I can only hope he is and she is receptive. PLEASE do not label me poorly. I only want whats best for him and his marriage!
- 1 decade agoFavorite Answer
He's married now and just like you cut off communication with him for your husband he is trying to respect his wife as well.
I wouldn't be angry because I would understand that his wife (probably) has always felt threatened by me and if she found out that he has been chatting with me behind her back she's going to assume he's cheating or he is still in love with me. And since he is a good friend of mine I wouldn't want him to put his marriage on line the line for me.
Plus he panicked, can you blame him? He's in the middle here, cut him some slack. He is trying to be there for you even though his wife would probably want to leave him for doing so. He is doing enough by doing his best to keep in touch with you. You don't have to walk away from your friendship but you have, so he might do the same for the same reason.
- 1 decade ago
Find out time to talk to him.Cos the way he's avoiding you in his wife's presence is like you wanna go out with him(date) and no you guys are friends and if he can't see you as the wonderful friend you are then i think he's missing something.But if he think's since he's married,he doesn't neede ur friendship then i must tell you dat he's kidding and you should give him some space.He's going to realise what he's lost when its late.If you try talking to him and he doesn't yield(see reasons with you) then i'll say you let him be and move on.I know how hard it is to loose such friendship that has lasted.If the friendship could stand through trials for this long(28 yrs) then i believe your friendshi with him can scale through this all it needs is time.But for the meantime i'll say you spend time doing things you love and trying to make other friends.Like you said you'll walk away from the friendship if you think it'll help,though i know he'll come back later on to you but send them a note for them to know you're sorry if you've posed as any threat to their marriage any wish them a happy married life. Don't let this weigh you down,everything would work out with time.Still try to work out things with your hubby,just be positive and take things gradually.Cheer up ok.
- 1 decade ago
Bad situation. My first inclination is yes, you should walk away. But maybe it would be better to give him the chance to fix the problem -- tell him that he either tells the truth to his wife or else your friendship is over. And if he says he will, it should be in some way that you can verify it.
In truth, I don't think it will work out in your favor. He sounds like he has issues with his marriage, and he probably still feels strong feelings for you. If he can't resolve those issues, you can't either, and any continued contact with him will be destructive to you. It's really probably best to move on.
The only way this could possibly work, IMHO, would be if you and his wife were able to come to terms with each other and with his feelings (past and/or present) for you. This means you and she should have open communication. As long as she rejects that and/or he prevents it, your situation will continue to be unhealthy for you.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
sounds more like you've already made your decision. walking away is one of the hardest things to do, yet every time you close 1 door another will open. maybe just giving one a little room to try and up the courage and learn to be honest. if you give someone room for this you'll be surprised what it does accomplish, rather than cuntinousley push them to tell the truth. a realtionship built on lies is not much fun. if he never learns to stand up for himself, well then you need to walk your path to happyness. all the best,i hope you get to keep a friend and even make another.
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- 1 decade ago
I think It's crappy when anyone does that for how ever long the friendship is. And 28 years is major. If she doesn't like you because HE was in love with YOU that's not your fualt that's something that needs to be fixed in their marriage. If you feel bad about this or yourself becuase of it Don't deal with it. Honestly it's tooo much drama! And will become more. Some one will end up hurt and unfortantly it will be you. I say tell him if he would like to contact you or get together You're not going to sneak around or deal with him having to lie when you are only saying hi. He's welcome to ask u to go to get coffee or something like that. But you're leaving the door open it's he's turn to straighten out his side. The thing is he's probably said things about you to her that makes you worse in her eyes. But just make it clear you're not hiding it anymore. The balls now in his court. Let him play it
- warasouthLv 41 decade ago
Walk away, you deserve a much better friend than him.
Sounds as if he has an ulterior motive for staying in touch with you. If his conscience is clear, he should have been able to explain the situation instead of resorting to such a comment.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
Wow, that sucks.
I wouldn't walk away from the friendship. If she's that jealous of you, you never know what kind of 'talks' between them could have come about just to save his marriage. Women can be rather jealous and cruel. Perhaps he was forced to make some kind of promise to her about you just to keep her there and keep peace in the relationship.
I know how it feels to feel kind of cheap like that. I've had to walk on eggshells with guy friends of mine who have girlfriends/wives. I don't blame you for feeling upset.
Just keep in mind that his wife is insecure, he was in love with you after all, so she's not in the greatest position either.
Eventually I think maybe you should have a one-on-one talk with her, so that you can both move on with your lives without hating each other. After 28 years? Come on. She needs to accept that you'll always be his friend.
- DovahkiinLv 71 decade ago
You cut off communications when you were married because you knew it would cause problems. So why are you now communicating with him knowing it will cause problems for his marriage? You are being incredibly selfish. You need to back off and respect their marriage. His marriage comes BEFORE his friendship with you.
- 1 decade ago
i would take that at face value he is obviously going to side with her over this whole thing and hunny if i were you i would start to branch out and find some other people to be in your "family" because you should always be able to count on family and as it sounds as long as she is not around you can count on him but as soon as she comes around you cant and thats not fair to you but talk to him about it and lay down the law and say, if you cant be my friend all the time then you cant be my friend at all cuz its not fair to me you are hurting my feelings and thats not what friends do to friends and see were it goes from there good luck hunny and just remember its not you who has the problem its him so keep your chin up and start looking at the horizen and tell him to but out if he cant be there 100%!!!!!
- 1 decade ago
U backed off because you have a husband. Should he back off because he has a wife?
However, nothing wrong with looking for him when you need help since he is your only friend left. But since you guys were friends, should you have backed off?
Anyway, he is trying to protect his relationship with his wife. Men don't like quarrels even if there's a problem. If he likes quarrels, he's a sissy. 2 things guys cant stand. Shopping and quarrels. Wears them out