Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 1 decade ago

Cheating husband?

What would you do if your husband cheated and is now trying to work things out with you. He has gone to counseling by himself and is asking you to go with him to the counselor so that you can work it out. I do love him but am so hurt by his affair. It went on for 10 months and the reason he says he did it is because he didn't feel like I loved him and I wasn't there for him emotionally or sexually. He swears that it was all about sex but I know that isn't true cause they went places together and did things. I know that I wasn't there for him emotionally or sexually for awhile but I was really struggling with my self esteem issues and didn't want to go out places. I don't blame myself for the affair cause it was his choice and he made it alone. I am struggling with the issue of working it out or not. I have been married to him for 11 years now and we have a child. What would you do honestly if you were in my situation. Please no rude comments I can't take that right now and need advice.

Update:

Thanks for the answers so far. I do love him and I am going to my own counselor but have only been once. I just am so hurt by this that I don't trust anything that he says.

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    You have a lot to deal with here. The affair is hurtful enough but you also have a child to deal with as well. The very first thing you need to do is deal with your self esteem issue right now!!! Seriously! You are a WOMAN that God made...Beautiful in your own right! Look at yourself and know that even with your flaws, you are just fine. After that, not only will you look at yourself differently, your husband will look at your different.

    Trust will always be an issue now. 10 months is a long time for lying and slipping away. In 10 months two people can get really close and there are alot of questions that you will have about that relationship. Don't fool yourself by saying, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. Every woman would ask herself, and want to ask her husband, what did "she" do that you went to her and not me??

    You are so right. The choice to have an affair is the two individuals who had the affair. Whether you can work it out will depend on whether you love him enough to struggle through the pain and the time it will take to get to the painless point in this journey.

    I cannot say would I would do. You are doing what is right. Seeking counseling...working together...talking. But you are right, believing him will be hard. He did live a double life for 10 months. It is up to him to get you to a point of comfort and help you believe him. It will have to come in baby steps. There will be no great leaps that will come. Every day will be a trial until your breakthrough comes.

    I truly hope that you are able to get through it. If not, I hope that you are able to make yourself happy without him. REMEMBER, your child is also a factor. Don't forget that the child needs attention in this situation as well. The child is not clueless. They are aware that Mommy and Daddy are not happy. Make sure they understand that it is not about them and that if they have concerns that they can come to you to talk. You don't want a miserable child in the middle of this mess too.

    Remember to love yourself in the midst and give yourself a few moments of peace and quiet to just think and be AT PEACE!!

    PRAYER WORKS!!! Good luck!

  • Elle
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    I'm so sorry you have to go through this, but you aren't alone. Many of us know this pain, and some of us stayed and some of us didn't. I didn't and in my case it was a good thing because my ex was a habitual cheater and a sex addict. He cheated at least 5 times before I left. However, on a good note, your husband sounds VERY sorry, and it probably really was exactly what he says. You know, you dealt with your esteem issues by shutting him out and he dealt with neglect the only way he could, and that was finding a replacement for his loss of you. True, he shouldn't have, but you both made mistakes. It is very hard to find a GOOD man, although most have the potential if they find a girl that adores them. I would absolutely work it out with your husband. He seems very sincere, (not many men will go to counseling on their own.) You can forgive him in time and I hope you do. I really feel alot of promise in your email. It's true, he will have to earn your trust again, but DON'T throw that in his face all the time ... he already knows he made a big mistake. Both of you help each other, and goodness girl ... this man loves you!! Let that give you some self esteem!! He obviously sees a wonderful wife he doesn't want to live without, and he's begging you to stay together. Give it a chance! If you leave now, you'll never know what could have happened. Also, your child is who matters most in this decision! Please don't let this be a reason to ruin his/her young life!! I really think you and your husband have a great chance of making it!!! You even say you still love him. Your hurt will stay with you for awhile, but it can slowly fade and you can make new memories together. It won't all happen overnight, but life is short, so go ahead and decide to make it all right again! P.S. I know it doesn't seem fair that you have to bear the burden of the forgiving, but it really will be worth it in the end! BEST WISHES!

  • 1 decade ago

    If my husband cheated on me it would be over and he knows it. That is the one thing I will not tolerate. We also have a child together but once they break that trust you cant get it back. I have been married twice before and both of them cheated on me more than once and I have always heard "once a cheater, always a cheater" and from past experience it has never failed. There really is no excuse for it other than selfishness on thier part. Especially if it went on for that long. You must realize on your own that you are a valuable person all by yourself and that your feelings and your needs matter too. Make yourself happy first then let someone else compliment that. Most men aren't worth the trouble of even looking at let alone giving second chances when it comes to these types of issues but there are truly some good ones out there and you can do better than someone who would hurt you like that. Ultimately it is your decision but if you should decide to give him another chance, make him prove himself to you. Don't just let him pick up where he left off and move right back in like nothing happened. Date. There is nothing wrong with that and it will give you a chance to see if this is what you really want. Good luck and God bless.

  • 1 decade ago

    I am very sorry to hear of the pain you are going through right now and I am by no means an expert.

    You are right he choose to have the affair and he is wrong for that. It is also wrong that he is saying that you weren't there for him emotionally or sexually and that he didn't think you loved him, that to me just sounds like an excuse to make you feel sorry for him. He should have talked to you about what was going on with you at the time and why you weren't emotionally or sexually attached to him. Communication is ALWAYS important in a relationship. The other thing that bothers me is this affair went on for 10 months, and I'm assuming you found out about it and that's why it ended???? Would it still be going on behind your back???

    What you really need to do now is think. You need to answer some tough questions. Do I still love him? Will I hate him for the rest of my life for this affair? Can I ever trust him again? Does he really love me?

    I think what you should do is go see someone yourself, alone without him and work through whatever problems you may be having, because of the previous problem, and now the current one and then maybe work toward a session with both of you.

    Just don't do the "I'm going to stay married to him because of our child" thing as I don't see how that helps the children when a relationship is strained. Kids can sense things aren't right and it's not healthy for them to be in that kind of environment.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I'm very sorry to hear that happened to you.

    Normally I'm pretty unforgiving about cheaters, but for some reason it sounds like he's sincere. Not too many men would go to therapy on their own to show they were sorry. Maybe he's one of the few who really did it because they were screwed up at the time and not just being selfish.

    That said, I think forgiving something like that is a personal choice. I think some people can do it, and some people can't. Very difficult decision, but I think you should do the therapy anyways, because it will probably help you a lot whether you stay or go.

    Good luck.

    btw: I just wanted to add that 11 years of marriage and a child are both very good reasons to at least give it a shot. Even if it doesn't work out at least you'll know you tried.

  • 1 decade ago

    The fact that your husband has sought counseling on his own, and has asked you to join him, says a lot about his desire to work things out with you.

    You've acknowledged that you weren't there for him emotionally or sexually, and were dealing with self-esteem issues. Yes, it is difficult for you to believe what he says, but you love him. You have an opportunity to:

    1. Fix what's wrong in your marriage and find ways to make it stronger.

    2. Express to your husband how the affair has made you feel.

    3. Reconnect with someone who WANTS to be with you. He's asking you to work with him to save your marriage.

    At this point, the more important issue is if you love your husband enough to work things out. Whether or not he was emotionally involved with the object of his affair is of little consequence. Your husband will have to understand that you may need all the gory details just to get the whole thing out of your system, and that you're angry and will express your anger.

    With 11 years and and child under your belt, I would try and work it out. As hurtful as his actions were, he is taking steps to get you back on track. You love him; you should go to counseling with him and make an honest attempt at rebuilding your marriage before you decide to call it quits.

  • Poppet
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    Okay, He did wrong. He knows he did wrong. And unlike many men and women who have an affair he is trying to do the right thing now. He went into therapy! That is a great step forward! He wants you to come with him now, because he wants to show you he is trying to be a better person. He wants the two of you to have a better marriage and heal. Therapy would benefit you too.

    The real question comes down to this: Do you want this marriage to survive? Really? It seems he is willing to do what it takes to make it work even though he was wrong in the past. Are you willing to do what it takes?

  • 1 decade ago

    Trust is so important and its hard to get it back once its been broken like that. Your a braver woman than I am, I would never have even considered counseling or taking him back. The only woman I know who stayed with a man that cheated on her was my BF for awhile and in the end he cheated again and she left. I havent known a cheater that stopped and in my eyes if he loves me then he wouldnt cheat, so I dont see the point in working it out. But if you can learn to trust him again and you think that he still loves you then i cant see the harm in trying.

  • 1 decade ago

    I suggest that you go to counseling alone, just for you. I am so sorry you went through self-esteem issues, but your husband should not have done anything to make it worse. I wish I could give you a big hug.

    Do whatever you feel is right for YOU.

  • 1 decade ago

    Well I have been in those shoes my self more times than I want to admit to. I myself have taken them all (5)back, giving them one more chance and only one chance. Cheating is the worst thing that I think that any one person can do to another.

    I would let him come back but he would be walking a fine and I do mean fine line with me. I would go to counseling with him and see how it works. He would not even be able to hide anything from me at all. He is the one that messed up and he is the one that is going to have to prove that he really does want to save the marriage.

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