101 of the World's Funniest One Liners?

1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.

3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

6. Never answer an anonymous letter.

7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.

8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

9. Always go to other people�s funerals, or they won�t go to yours.

10. Few women admit their age; few men act it.

11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

12. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

14. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?

15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

16. Campers: Nature�s way of feeding mosquitoes.

17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.

18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

19. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

20. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

21. Nuke the Whales.

22. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

24. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

25. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

26. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

27. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

28. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

29. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

30. You can't have everything; where would you put it?

31. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

32. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? 33. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

34. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

35. DNA: National Dyslexic Association.

36. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

37. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

38. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

39. DARE to keep cops off donuts.

40. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

41. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

42. Dyslexics of the world, untie!

43. God made mankind. Sin made him evil.

44. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

45. I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.

46. Don't steal. The government hates competition.

47. Humpty Dumpty was pushed.

48. National Atheist's Day April 1st.

49. All generalizations are false.

50. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

51. Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

52. If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

53. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

54. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.

55. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

56. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

57. I can handle pain until it hurts.

58. No matter where you go, you're there.

59. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.

60. It's been Monday all week.

61. Gravity always gets me down.

62. This statement is false.

63. Eschew obfuscation.

64. They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.

65. It's bad luck to be superstitious.

66. According to my best recollection, I don't remember.

67. The word �gullible� isn�t in the dictionary.

68. Honk if you like peace and quiet.

69. The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened.

70. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

71. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

72. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

73. A day without sunshine is like, night.

74. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

75. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

76. Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

77. Life is too complicated in the morning.

78. We are all part of the ultimate statistic�ten out of ten die.

79. Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.

80. Ask me about my vow of silence.

81. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

82. The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.

83. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.

84. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.

85. If at first you don�t succeed, don�t try skydiving.

86. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

87. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

88. I intend to live forever. So far so good.

89. Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?

90. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

91. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

92. Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

93. I didn�t use to finish sentences, but now I

94. I�ve had amnesia as long as I can remember.

95. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

96. Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut."

97. Evolution: True science fiction.

98. What's another word for Thesaurus?

99. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

100. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

101. I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.

. . . Don�t forget to read the editorial! Editorial: Probably the most thought-provoking one-liner is "Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway." It�s sad but true�no matter what you do, you will die. This is because you have sinned against God. Let�s see if that�s true: Have you ever lied (even once)? Ever stolen (anything)? Jesus said, �Whoever looks upon a woman to lust after her, has committed adultery already with her in his heart.� Ever looked with lust? If you have said �Yes� to these three questions, by your own admission, you are a lying, thieving, adulterer at heart; and we�ve only looked at three of the Ten Commandments. How will you do on Judgment Day? Will you be innocent or guilty? You know that you will be guilty, and end up in Hell. That�s not God�s will. He provided a way for you to be forgiven. He sent His Son to take your punishment: �God commended His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.� Jesus then rose from the dead and defeated death. God promises everlasting life to all to all those who confess and forsake their sins, and trust in Jesus Christ. Please do that today . . . you may not have tomorrow. See John 14:21 for a wonderful promise. Then read the Bible daily and obey what you read. God will never let you down.

13 Answers

Relevance
  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I didn't read them all, but the ones I did read were cute!

  • 4 years ago

    Worlds Funniest One Liners

  • Joshua
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    Thanks for the one-liners, quite a few of them sure made me LOL.

    As for the editorial : I've got a bit of a problem with that, cuz it makes me feel that you are trying to get people to adopt a certain religion. (I know that's probably not what you meant to do exactly, however, it DID make me feel that way)

    First of all your editorial might have found a better place in the category "Religion", people expect it to be there.

    Secondly, and to me more importantly : see what the radical Muslims are trying to do : they're trying to force their religian upon us, if "need" be through terrorists acts.

    Now of course I'm NOT comparing your editorial with what the radical Muslims do, far from it.

    But IMHO it's not a good thing when you, (esp. after first sending some absolutely great one-liners) try to bring your own religious conviction across in a category like this....if people on here want to know/learn about Christianity (I'm a Catholic myself) I take it they will ask for it.

  • 1 decade ago

    The one liners are great and You are right...No one is promised tomorrow and we are all sinners, but we have been saved by God's grace and Jesus death. We have to open our eyes, ears and heart to Gd's ways and live His Word. Praise to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. God Bless!!

  • How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Those were pretty funny. I've got another one for you:

    Don't worry about the world ending today; it's already tomorrow in Australia.

  • 1 decade ago

    Bob, Bob had b**** t*ts.

    Do something.

    Just think when ever he got dirty, you could take him out and beat him.

    And you, my Neo christian friend, got it wrong.

    "And God so loved the world

    that He gave his only begotten son

    and whom ever shall believe in Him

    Shall not perish, but have everlasting life(IN HEAVEN)"

    John 3:16

    OH you'll die, but you wont burn. Don't think for one moment that if you have faith you Live forever in the flesh.

    Your Neighborhood Freak.

  • 1 decade ago

    Great Editorial.... And funny one liners as well!!!

    God Bless

  • john
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    wow

  • 1 decade ago

    fell asleep reading it, sorry

  • 1 decade ago

    i don't see the connection...

    what's your question anyway?

Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.