What do I do about a verbally abusive wife?

I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR FIVE YEARS, TWO KIDS. MY WIFE HAS THE TENDENCY WHEN WE HAVE A DISAGREEMENT TO GO OFF. ALL OBSENE PERSONAL ATTACKS AND VULGARITY.ALTHOUGH SHE PUSHES ME ENOUGH TO BRING ME TO HER LEVEL. I FEEL THIS IS MY ONLY LEVEL OF DEFENSE. I HAVE NEVER CHEATED ON THIS WOMAN, I HAVEN'T BEEN OUT OF THE HOUSE FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS. LITERALLY WORK AND HOME. I'M PUTTING HER THROUGH NURSING SCHOLL AND EVERYTHING. THESE ATTACKS AT TIMES MAKE MY SEX DRIVE PRACTICALLY NON- EXISTENT. THEN I'M ACCUSES OF CHEATING EVEN MORE. IT SEEMS I CAN'T ESCAPE THE SHADOW OF HER PAST RELATIONSHIPS AND WHAT THEY DID, NOT TO MENTION WHATEVER WAS ON DAYTIME TV THAT HAD TO DO WITH BAD RELATIONSHIPS. AT FIRST I THOUGHT BECAUSE OF WHAT SHE WENT THROUGH SHE DESERVED THE OPPORTUNITY TO VENT. BUT IT'S BEEN 5 YEARS AND WHERE I'M FROM PATIENCE RUNS THIN.

19 Answers

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  • jdhs
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    The only thing you can do is suggest for her to either enroll in anger management classes or see a counselor. Tell her that you will no longer tolerate her outbursts of anger and profanity and you are not her sounding board. It's very disrespectful to you and if she's doing this in front of the children, it can't be a good example for them.

    She has issues that she needs to work on herself. There's nothing much you can do about it.

  • 1 decade ago

    I feel everything that you are going through, have been through

    that my self from both sides. Some people have such deep

    anger within them selves that they don't really know why they

    take it out on some one else. There past has alot to do with it

    if they were brought up in an abusive family life, which also

    means that they know only the bad and not the good in people.

    As time goes on from one relationship to another that person

    usually finds the same kind of person or persons that she or

    he can relate to and thats the anger and abuse there so use

    to. She should get some help in the anger side of things. You

    have children involve as well as the schooling your putting

    her through for nursing, For one to be a nurse i think its best

    you have her check into her abusive behavior before even

    getting into the nursing field. I wish we could talk more on this

    you seem to be a good guy (husband & father) and i do hope

    you find the answers you need. I wish you the best what ever

    the outcome of it all.

  • 1 decade ago

    This sounds like something that can't be answered in just a few short sentences. I'd check out www.nomoremrniceguy.com. Great book and great ways that show you how to deal with issues like these. For now, just stand up and say, "I refuse to take any more of this abuse, woman! Either shape up or ship out!". If she's not willing to calm down and talk to you rationally about what's really bothering her, it's not worth your trouble to put up with her attitude.

    When my girlfriend and I started dating I had met a few friends of hers that threatened me if I ever did anything to her,and these were fist impression type meetings! After the second threat I yelled at her in the car telling her to warn her friends to back off, and I've never yelled at anyone like I did that night. She was pretty defensive but I told her that if she didn't warn them then she wouldn't have any boyfriend at all, forever, as long as her friends kept threatening them from the get go. I backed down a bit by the end of the night. However the next morning, she called to apologize and told me that a male coworker said that I shouldn't have to suffer the blunt from mistakes that she made by staying with nasty guys and the mistakes that her ex-boyfriends made.

    It'll give her something to think about too. No kids, no husband, a divorce on her record and having to drop out of nursing school.

  • 1 decade ago

    First, good job hanging in and not using your wife's temper as an excuse to cheat, leave, etc. I am sorry for your situation and I must tell you that I myself have done the same to my husband for a while, I am ashamed right now because as I read your question it brought back bad memories of all the times I hurt him. But there is a light at the end of every tunnel, I know for me it was nothing but baggage and I brought it full in my marriage, my husband fits your description so what healed me and made me come around was his patience and his forgiving nature. Trust me I almost lost him, so this will not be easy for you, your wife must realize just what she is doing to you. You are already doing what is right, I don't know your faith but show your wife that in the bible Elohim speaks that a wife should honor and respect her husband, you are doing your share. Also try to get her to do something that will get some of the rage out, like walking together going to the gym, and talking to you about just what it is that has her so wound up. Your wife must realize that she is living in the past and darkening your futures, I have improved through love and nurturing so don't give up on her. "Seek and You shall find"

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  • 1 decade ago

    My only suggestion to you would be maybe tell her that you are bothered by her aggressiveness and would like to know if she would be willing to see a counselor together. I think a counselor will give her the chance to say what she is trying to say without screaming at you. The counselor kinda acts like a mediator in a divorce but you don't want that so this is kind of a last resort. I think that if you two have been together for 5 years that there is alot of love there and too much to throw away. I hope that helps.... and try to be a little more patient with her till you get to see someone about the problem. Good Luck.

  • 1 decade ago

    For starters when she is venting, let her vent, let her yell and cuss and hoop and hollar, and don't say a word. When a person feels they are right, let them. Let their ignorance lead the way. That way your knowledge and strength will grow and she will learn to appreciate what you know and trying to explain to her. YES, she has a rough past....WHO THE HELL HASN'T. The past make us grow into who we are suppose to be. She keep bringing up previous relationships and using the excuse of you doing what they did, but what's really going on is, she is doing the exact same things that she did to make the relationship go sour. If you truly love her, let her vent and go off to a mute, you sit back and say nothing. Then when she finish....hug her and tell her you love her, and cuddle or kiss her on the forehead, something small and sweet. Killing her with kindness. Be the example of how you want her to communicate with you.....She has to first recongnize that the problem lies w/her..until them, you are beating a dead horse. Good luck and stay the wonderful husband that you are!!

  • 1 decade ago

    Strength: A mark of a superior mind is to attack the issue at hand and NOT the person. People, who attack the person are usually, not that bright and feel that he or she can win the argument by name calling, stereo typing or belittling !!! There is an ol' saying which goes like this: " If you want to know what your potential wife or husband is going to be like in the future, then just spend time with the mother or father of that person". What I'm getting at is your wife is like her mother when she fights. She's a verbalizer [bi*ch] ... right? You are married to a "man eater" - a product of a sick family. Your marriage is headed for a crash. Get out now ... or she will devour you. There's no love in this relationship ... all take and no give !!!

  • 1 decade ago

    Holy! For pete sake; a can't believe another woman just told you to hit her back! Don't do that! It doesn't make you a MAN to go beaten up on someone smaller and weaker than you. Get counseling. If she refuses or it doesn't work, then leave. You deserve to be happy and my hubby had one of those wives before me too. She acted the way she did because she wanted him gone and was forcing him away. When they "agreed" he should move out and they should start dating, to see if the could start a-new, she told him on their first date, that she didn't want him around anymore. She just wanted him to get out of the house before she told him, so she could get it. She's an evil horrible, horrible woman. She accused him of cheating, abusing you name it. Derek is a wonderful man. She ended up being the one who was cheating, so that might be some insight for you. I feel badly for you. You sound like a really nice guy. Have enough respect for the marriage and vows to not cheat, have respect enough for your MAN hood to NOT hit her. But respect your future and happiness and your kids too! and get the hell out of there is she won't agree to work with you on this issue. Let her pay for her own damb school if she doens't change. Want me to come over there and beat her up for you? ;-)

  • 1 decade ago

    This is a complexed problem with a simple issue. The issue is communication. You and your wife need healthy communication especially when angers flare. You may need professional nelp, but you need to sit your wife down and you both set boundaries as it relates to your marriage. One boundary should be the use of appropriate language. You both need to agree that what is happening is wrong. If you both can not agree, as you are aware the problem will not get addressed and will continue. I beleive you both love each other and want the marriage to work, so you both need to agree to put in the work. As a man you remember that whatever your wife is going through it is not your fault, but that your love for her could be the solution. Good Luck

  • 1 decade ago

    Being that I am a woman that can be like this you really need to stress to her EXTREMELY stress this to her that she needs to be more considerate of your feelings and she needs to treat you with more respect. If she doesn't listen then you are going to have to take her approach and YELL it at her to pound it into her head. Being all nice and not stooping to her level is not the way to handle it....you need to take the Bull by its horns and show her that it is completely unacceptable behavior. But in this, whatever you do, DO NOT threaten her in any way....like leaving her etc. Hope this helps!! Good Luck!!

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