Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 1 decade ago

Why do we keep fighting?

I have been married for 4 months. My husband and I NEVER fought (I mean arguing...not physically fighting) while we were dating. Now we seem to fight almost every day. It is usually something stupid. I try to be positive, and make up right away, but he says I act like nothing happened, and that I expect things to go on like normal. He doesn't understand. I don't understand why he needs to stay mad for a while. I just want our marriage to work, and I feel like he gives up too easily. He has gotten to the point that he seems to be down and negative most of the time. When we argue, and I apologize for the part that I played in the argument, and say that I wish I could rewind and undo everything, he says I always say that. I just want things back to the way they were, but I think it might be too late. Please, if you have any good advice, lay it on me!! I love my husband, I believe he loves me too, and I don't want to split up for ANYTHING. Thank you!

27 Answers

Relevance
  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Well, you are right in wanting to apologize right away..but what causes the "fight" in the first place? Avoid the cause , so you don't have to apologize over and over again. Perhaps the point of your husband is that you apologize but it happens repeatedly, then indeed it would be futile. Solve the main root of the fight...do not start a fight in the first place. If you get mad about one of his comments, shut your mouth and say nothing, not until your head is cool, then say it the positive way....give him some space too...If you are familiar with the story of a man who wanted to keep the sand in his hands and closed his palm only to see that the grains of sand are slipping between his fingers, open your palm and the "grains of sand" will stay where they are. Likewise with your husband. I am sure he loves you, don't ruin this by fighting with him constantly..in the first place prevent these fights. Keep your mouth shut. take deep breaths instead, and let the moment pass.understand him, his point of view..I know it takes gargantuan effort - but you can do it ...that is if you truly love him.

  • 1 decade ago

    I have been married for a long time and I can say the first year is always the hardest. Keep in mind it doesn't matter how long you guys dated or maybe even lived together being married is a whole different ball game. Maybe the two of you should look at counseling because it sounds like you guys have an underlying problem. When you fight over stupid small stuff its not the small stuff you are really fighting over they are an excuse so you don't have to deal with the real issue. Try sitting down with your husband and be calm but be honest. Don't attack or accuse just talk. Maybe the problem is with him or maybe with you but no matter what hang in there until you have tried everything.

  • 1 decade ago

    Sounds like your hubby feels trapped now being married he doesn't appear to be comfortable in the situation it seems he may just be figuring out that you are going to be the only women he gets to screw around with now. This may be a problem if your hubby was a bit of a player before meeting you. One of the most common things married couples fight over is just crap

    remember communication is key try having a talk with him explain to him that you do not want to fight but you would like to find out what is bothering him so much. Sometimes just having a heart to heart can solve alot of problems if this doesn't work then maybe consider marriage counselling the first year of marriage tends to be the hardiest it takes hard work and determination on both parts to make it work try dong somethings

    that you did when you were dating go out on the town spend time with friends he may just feel like you guys have stopped having fun cheer him up and in turn you will do the same for yourself. Another thing money is a big divorce issue do not let money end your marriage it's just paper and you can always make more a loving relationship is for life cherish each other and

    your newly weds have sex like rabbits but use protection because if there is already problems a kid will just make things worse never believe the saying a kid will make things all better its complete and utter crap most marriages end after the kid is born or during the pregnancy.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    1st of all, stop trying to go backwards! Move forward, with your husband. Arguements are just that, if neither of you know what the arguement is about then all you have is unitelligible yelling. If he is angry at you, ask him why? You are the same woman he married. He's the same guy. What exactly is angering him? If it truly is a just "fight", then stop doing it. Its time to wake up, this is not a dream world, and if you are trying to have a fairytale marriage, I would be upset too. On the otherhand, if he has unreal expectations, then these need to be addressed. Since you two are newlyweds, I must ask, is it sexual? If it is, give in. Stop being so frigid, and this goes for him, too. There is nothing taboo between two married people when it comes to sex, except maybe a third party. Research on the internet, google the key points of your arguement and keep the decriptions to one word. You can learn alot if you apply yourself.

  • How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
  • 1 decade ago

    This is not as uncommon as you think. When you are dating, there is no pressure. If things go bad, you "escape" by going home. You may not see each other for a few hours or a day, giving both of you time to cool off and think about the issues you were arguing about.

    Now that you are married, things are really different. There is no escape.

    You might want to sit with your husband and find out what the real issues are here. By finding out, I mean discuss in a non threatening way for either one of you. This means, "Do you want to be happy, or right"? Obviously, something is bothering your husband, and it may be something you are doing, or not. But remember, once you ask the question, you must be prepared to HEAR the answer. And that takes courage.

    Good luck and let us know what happens.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    The best thing to do is sit down and tell your husband how you are feeling, I mean marriage is a big step that obvisiously both of you said you were ready for, Maybe your husband is feeling stressed out about something... I mean he doesn't seem to stay mad for long so i don't think its an issue that really bothers him, Have you guys live together before you got married? The only way to find out whats bothering him is to ask him i mean you guys are married you should be able to tell your husband anything! So good luck to you and i hope everything works out, I mean if it something so little then maybe you are overacting as well as him, If it something so little and stupid why not tell him how u feel instead of yelling or screaming simply let him know he said something that is bothered you

  • 1 decade ago

    Maybe u both need some space from each other. And I don't mean separation either. I mean, do your own thing for a while and let him do the same thing. Also, u both have to learn how to argue your differences rationally. I know it's easier said than done, especially when emotions are running high, but u both have to try it sometime. Also, if u can't agree on one thing, learn to compromise and let the small, stupid stuff go. It's not worth fighting over it.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    The first year of marriage is the hardest. People don't realize that the 2 things that most married couples fight about is money and children. I don't know if either is the case in your situation but regardless, communication is the key. You need to talk to your husband and tell him that it really upsets you that all you seem to do is fight. Tell him you love him and don't want to split up and you feel that in order for you to work things out, you need to be able to talk about the issues, not just fight about them until one or both of you have said things you both regret. Good luck

  • 1 decade ago

    Reality has set in and it sounds like the honeymoon is over. Sometimes the adjustment period is very difficult. Getting used to living with each other is difficult. As guys a lot of times we expect our wives to do things the way our mothers did.

    Sometimes a guy does need a cooling off period when he is frustrated and if he doesn't get that it can be very frustrating. If you have only been with him four months I would give it a chance. Find out why your husband is frustrated. It sounds like he is feeling like you don't take an argument as seriously as he would like you to. You still have hope, sometimes things are not as bad as they seem, especially at first in a marriage.

  • 1 decade ago

    The fight is over something stupid. I know how that is. The problem seems to be in the way that your husband feels from your reaction. I think when you try to end the argument quickly, (not to say that you have the wrong idea) it makes him feel as if you do not consider him, or the issue to be important to you. Probably having just gotten married, he already is insecure and nervous about being married. He needs re-assurance. Trying to apologize and get things back like they should be as quickly as possible sounds great in theory. It seems like in this case, however, he is staying mad longer when he probably knows it's over something stupid to validate his importance to you. He doesn't understand that you are trying to do what is best to stay together by trying to resolve the issue quickly and go on like normal. To him it comes across as though you do not care enough to think it through. He probably even starts silly arguments over nothing just to hope for a different reaction from you. What you see as "him giving up too easily" is actually an attempt on his part to resolve how he feels by staying mad, and being down alot of the time. It sounds like you love each other very much, but can't communicate very well about this because you have hardly ever argued before you got married. Again, that shows insecurity on his part. You and he need to have a very long talk. It doesn't sound like it is too late. Let him know what you have said in this question. "I don't want to split up for anything." Maybe you have said this already, but it may have been at one of the times that he thought you were just saying anything to end the argument. Pressure from the marriage can cause one or the other of you to feel insecure. Don't let up on him until you have made your point; that he is important, you care if he is hurt by anything that has been a problem over the last few months (no matter how silly you know that it is) and you are willing to do anything to stay with him forever because he is so important to you. Look at it from his point of view which is not over what the silly argument was about, but how he thinks you see him by trying to end the problem quickly. You're both saying the same thing in opposite ways. It's so important to you that you want the argument to end quickly, and it's so important to him, that he can't let it go & move on because he sees it as unresolved.

Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.