How do you trust your man/woman after infidelity?

well my bf (now husband) cheated on me. and I was done and ready to leave but my heart wouldnt allow it. Well he's army so he is deployed but so is the female he cheated on me with. So whenever we get the chance to talk I always bring it up. I dont like to and I feel its ruin my marriage and we are still newlyweeds. So my question to males and females. How do u get pass this or did u just leave. I want to stick by him but i dont want to be blind to the fact of it happen again. And I know it hurts him when I bring it up EVERYTIME we talk. And not only that but they still communicate thru emails after work which I dont think is ok. I havent told him cuz im not tryna be a pest. But what dIo i do? I told him that I want counciling when he returns and he said ok. I dont want to add more stress to our marriage thats why im askng for advice. PLEASE answer only if u are serious and are truly trying to help. Thanks in advance

Update:

Ok we wasnt married when he cheated. I married him after the fact cuz I thought it was better. But now I find myself thinking bout it constantly

10 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    What you are doing is normal behavior for a betrayed spouse. I recommend that you go to:

    http://www.network54.com/Index/32374

    Its called "Affair Discovery and Recovery" You will find a lot of folks there that are dealing or have dealt with what you are going through.

    The sites is anonymous, free, and offers reading lists, helpful links, and a lot of sharing. Just having a place to go and understand you are not alone, and you can find support and ideas to help you cope.

    Source(s): I am a betrayed spouse, my wife and I are together 4 years after I discovered the infidelity. Our marriage is different, but solid. It takes time to build trust, both you and your husband have to recognize this.
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    You have many problems here and are all linked to each other:

    Your husband (BF at the time) cheated on you with another.

    either you didn't know about the cheating prior to your wedding or you were ok with it, if you didn't know about it till after the wedding you need to respond to this issue now, either you want to move on and try working it out with him and building on your relationship, or if this is to much to handle and move on with your life, the choice is up to you. I think if all the issues here are workable then stay and try.

    He is deployed with the female he cheated with.

    Knowing that he could ask for a transfer and explain why he will most likely have the approval needed. And if this is something that he sees as not being an option here, it should tell you that he wants to keep the set up he has and is in no way going to change anything, including his relationship with her.

    He is still communicating thru emails with her.

    Totally, totally not the thing to be doing, this too should be a big red flag, he has the best of both worlds here, you at home and her while deployed.

    this should be a no brainier and should tell you to be gone prior to the next sun set, but if you truly want to work it out and think you can get past what he has done in the past then i would say give it a try only if you get him to truly try too. The both of you need to have a question and answer day with each other being 100% honest with each other, you’re going to hear things that may change your mind, you also need to let him know the way you truly feel about him. either way you need to do one thing first, he is deployed and you need to keep everything going as it is now, never change anything in a relationship while your partner is deployed, I too have been deployed and I've seen what a Dear John letter can do to a person, whatever the reason, to many walks in the dark end up being thier last for many difrent reason. never ever send news of that type to any one that is deployed, he need to have a clear head while completing his job in a area that requires 110% concentration to stay safe and alive. Think about everything while you have the time, start a log and use it as a starting point on your questioning day once he returns home safely. Best of luck with your rebuilding.

  • 1 decade ago

    omg...i was im in almost the exact same boat! My husband is in the army and went away for some schooling for 3 months. While he was there he made " friends" with this girl there. I lived in MA and he got stationed in TX and he was there for about 15 days beofre I was and when i got there, i saw the phone bill that said he had been on the phone with this women like 4 plus hours everyday!!! Luckily she is stationed elsewhere. But I couldnt let it go. He was texting pictures back and forth, emailing her, and trying to hide it all. To this day he swears they were just friends, but the womens husband when he found out went to her superiors. I feel like they were more then friends but i have no proof. We are still together and i got past the asking him 20 questions about it daily. Its still hard and i find myself still slipping up once in awhile. Its soooo hard to get past something like that. Eventually though if you really love him, you learn to just get past it. Its so good that he agreed to counseling. Good luck with it. It will be a struggle. Just be strong

  • 1 decade ago

    How in the world do you think its 'ok' that him and this girl are still communication through emails.??? i mean , "helllloooooo" wake up girl. you are being pathetic here... get some balls and learn how to say, " NO THATS NOT OK' to his face.

    I think that counseling is a great idea...and he SHOULD cut off all ties with this female as much as possible if he really wants to work things out with you.. it will also make you feel better.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    He should NOT be communicating with her any longer. You have the right to DEMAND he stop talking to her other than PURELY work related business.

    If he refuses to stop communicating with her then you should leave him for a while and let him choose whether or not he wants to honor his commitment to you. If he doesn't, then find someone else. Life is too short to spend it in constant fear of further humiliation.

  • 4 years ago

    i will attempt to respond to it from the guy's area. I cheated on my gf and at the instant she isn't speaking to me. If he's sorry for what he did then you certainly do have a raffle. I believe you that he should not be chatting with that different lady in any respect. it is one thank you to instruct that he's severe approximately making a transformation to make specific he on no account cheats lower back. i don't recommend turning a blind eye to what passed off. Counseling is probable an extremely sturdy thought. confirm to handle it, he made a large mistake and he's gonna could desire to go through slightly for it. do exactly not make him go through for all time with out lead to sight or he will provide up. i don't be attentive to if I helped in any respect yet i wish so. sturdy success, i wish all of it works out for you.

  • 1 decade ago

    my wife cheated and then stayed friends with the guy. Yeah it made me mad, I finally told she had to choose him or me. She said me, so I typed in a text message on her cell for him not to contact her anymore and she sent it. As far as I know that was the end of it. Still not completely over it, but it is better.

  • 1 decade ago

    HI GIRLFRIEND, CONGRATULATION ON YOUR WEDDING. I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL RIGHT NOW. TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION? WELL FIRST OF ALL,KEEP AN OPEN COMMUNICATION WITH YOUR HUSBAND AT ALL TIMES. ITS BEST TO COMMUNICATE WHEN BOTH OF YOU ARE ON GOOD TERMS. BY COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR HUSBAND AND TELLING HIM HOW YOU FEEL, TAKES A LOAD OFF YOUR MIND. SECOND, I TRULY FEEL YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND SHOULD SEE A MARRIAGE COUNCILOR. BY SEEING A MARRIAGE COUNCLER BOTH YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND CAN COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER. YOU CAN TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT HIM COMMUNICATING TH RU EMAIL. GIRLFRIEND I FEEL KEEPING AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR HUSBAND, AND WORKING TOGETHER ON ANYTHING THAT COMES YOUR"LL WAY,WILL KEEP LESS STRESS IN YOUR MARRIAGE. SO, SEEK THAT MARRIAGE COUNCILOR AND TRY TO WORK EVERYTHING OUT WITH YOUR HUSBAND. KEEP IN MIND HAVE AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP AND KEEP COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR HUSBAND. SINCERLY,

    TRULY TRYING TO HELP.

  • 1 decade ago

    If we are lucky we trust somebody who has clear conscience - after that, depend on true love in his/her heart, cheat will finish if he/she really loves and remain marriage

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I couldn't live that way. If we had no kids, I'd leave. I just take my vows too seriously to tolerate being married to someone who broke them.

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