cowulf asked in Social ScienceSociology · 1 decade ago

I love my wife, but after her "conditions" - I no longer find her attractive - need input?

My wife and I have been together for over 13 years. She has had a mariad of gyno problems equaling around 10 surgeries. She still has complications - procedure #11 coming soon.

This all has led her to gain 60% more than when we first met. Most of the weight has settled in the places I absolutely find unattactive on the female physique.

Gut (she looks 6+ months pregnant), chin, arms, back, back of her neck!

She's been trying to lose with 0 success.

We're mid 30's, she's developed rhumatory arthritis (in part thanks to the weight gain). Its become a little bit like living with grandma. I can't get this analogy out of my head.

I really do love her - she is still my best friend, but I find it difficult to be intimate with her beyond a hug and a kiss. It has burried my libido. It makes me depressed that at the prime of my life I'd rather ma5terbat3 than have sex with her.

I need support or criticism from people having gone through the same. There's more, but no room to write :-)


Thanks for a responses...

One dude guessed it - Endometriosis. Guys, if you hear Endo -RUN- no matter how attractive

she is!

To answer some of your questions ... she is on thyroid replacement, progesterone and testosterone replacement now. Complete hysterectomy - no kids. She excercises three to four times per week ... 140bmp for 30 minutes. Some weeks though, her joints hurt too bad to get much movement at all. She has a weak immune system - constantly exhibiting cold-like symptons - sinus infections are very regular with her. She doesn't eat bad, she just doesn't eat the way she should. She starves herself during the day, then eats big at night - she needs to change this, and I can help with this.

I guess, if I knewn one month into our relationship how hard it would be - BUT one can be healthy and wind up falling victim to a car accident. Who's going to take care of you, if not your beloved - right?

I know she would take care of me if the tables were reversed - maybe ;-)

Update 2:

I wonder how many of you talking about the vows have actually "been there" in a similar situation.

There are a few who say they've been there, so I'm leaning towards their advice to stick it out and just shut off the lights - it's funny, I used to beg my wife to leave the lights on :-)

As to my own physique - it's not perfect ... I'm no personal trainer, but at 6'4 230lbs - resting heart rate of 57- I'm about 12% above normal weight. She is 5'8" and weighs 250 - that's about 60% above normal. I long for the days when she was 20% above normal - she was quite a beauty. Just being seen with her made me feel like a winner (shallow - I know) She was the best thing that could have happened to a big dumb geek (I felt like I deserved something good in life - now I just have to pay the price).

Thanks for all your answers, I'll decide who's solution is best soon.

18 Answers

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    For better or for worse, in sickness and in health. That's the way the dice rolled, so better get yourself high speed internet and spank it online. You can try hookers but it's too risky and you might get an STD, the other possible solution, when she wan't some lovin' turn off the lights and pretend it's your hot for me.

  • 1 decade ago

    First off, you've said nothing about your health or weight or anything. You better not be fat too or all bets are off.

    She need a good diet and low impact exercise plan. Right now, her self-esteem is probably waaaay low. Even is she hasn't said it, she knows you don't find her attractive. You should look into counseling. Either that or you two need to clear the air together so you both know where you stand. Ask her doctor to find a nutritionist. Also, I've heard "Curves for Women" works well. NO MEN allowed, so the ladies don't have to deal with the "image" problem like a regular gym. The arthritis? not sure, maybe a mild drug while she get back in shape?

  • 1 decade ago

    What issues does your wife have fron gyno surgeries? How is she putting on weight? As in because it affects her hormonal system or because she is immobile.

    Does your wife exercise - yes arthritis and all. Does your wife eat a proper and healthy diet? Is your wife seeing a therapist? If you answered no the above 3 questions then she is getting fat because she is not trying!

    I have interactions on a daily basis with a sickly woman who sits on her *** all day and whines. No-one ever said that being sick was easy.

    You need to get into therapy and stop skirting the issue! If you dont confront this you will be unhappy for the rest of your married life.

    And yes to all that have said "you married her".. she also married you and your vows go both ways! Every relationship is about love and respect and compromise.

    Good luck - sorry if i was a bit harsh.

  • 1 decade ago

    I don't know about your vows, but I said, "in sickness and in health" in my vows. Weight gain was not mentioned in the vows, but, "til death do us part" was. She needs you man now more than ever. I am going to take a guess that somewhere in her life someone rejected her. You are too now by not having sex with her. Not to make you feel bad, I'm just putting it all out there.

    Having been through some of the same as your wife, I had to take an honest look and admit that most of my trouble was psychological because I was raised in an abusive home.

    If you need to add more details, you can go to the pencil symbol and click on add details.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    You need good psychological advice. The majority here say stick it out because of your vows. I see that we only live with one person all of our lives, and that is ourselves and you may not even be half way through yours and tied down to an invalid that probably should be getting professional care.

    If you have kids, that a consideration. Perhaps she'd ok an "open relationship" which I REALLY doubt even if she can't have you, most women won't allow you to have sex on the outside. I know some who will, though, and every one of those relationships continue to be strong. Different, but strong.

    Or leave her. Begin life anew. See what input you get from the analyst.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Sorry but when you married your wife did you make those vows for better for worse, in sickness, and in health...her body may have changed, her looks may have changed...but she is still that person you fell for, and there is a reason why her physic has know this, don't let this be a reason for you to turn elsewhere, this woman is still your wife, and I'm not blaming you because i know men are visual animals, and get off on what you see, but support her in exploring all avenues possible to get the right help...information is key, just to help her see what can be done if anything. Good Luck.

  • ?
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    I am sorry to hear your wife has to go through such extensive surgeries, but I have sympathy for you as well. I can appreciate your honesty and am not going to down you for not finding her attractive sexually. After all, that is one of the things we love about a person as well as their personallity when we first meet them. All you can do is try to be supportive in her weight loss and hope for the best. I wish I had some advice for you, but other than hang in there and see what happens after the last surgery as far as weight loss goes, I really don't know what to say. Take care and best wishes to both of you.

  • 1 decade ago

    it is very sad that this is your situation. i understand that you love here on all other levels but physical....

    however, if you REALLY LOVE her, and CARE about her, then work with her to find a solution to her health problem. You shouldn't leave her just cuz she's all messed up... She needs your help. Obviously there is something really wrong with her health, and you should be concerned.

    Is she gaining weight because she can't exercise? or because she's a lazy slob? I'm guessing that it's cuz she can't exercise.

    You might want to look into thyroid complications. my friend exercises about 3 hours every day and can't seem to cut weight.. and we found out she has a thyroid problem.

    Another thing to think about is diabetes...

    anyways, hope this helps!

  • 1 decade ago

    My grandma always told me that having sex is the best way to lose weight (she had 8 kids so trust me she knows lol.)But seriously think of her feelings if you really do love her because every day that goes by that you just keep shining her on the more she will get depressed and possibly bigger so suck it up and give it to her you might find that it's not as bad as you think good *uck oops I mean luck..

  • ?
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    The statement"i really love her-she is still my best friend. Still?.what if the shoe was on the other you think she would still be there for you?..You need to think about it.I knew this life guard..dark tan..little bitty petite thing...a smile that could melt .she developed RA..and due to the steroids she put on weight. Which caused more medical problems. She is still the most beautiful creature...4 kids later. Your wife needs love/support more now than ever.I hope that your love/if its still there is strong enough.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Sex is a part of marriage, but just a part of it, For better or worse.

    We become sole mates, we need to just help each other as we can. I'm sure she hates it more than you do. Jack off ,have phone sex but take care of the woman you love!

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