Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Education & ReferenceHomework Help · 1 decade ago

Can I have your opinion on this descriptive paragraph?

I needed to write this for 7th grade english. What do you think?

The lake glimmered and sparkled as the sunlight became more intense. The water was so clear it was like looking through a glass window, and below it was the watery depths that never seemed to end. There were multiple schools of fish swimming about and sometimes a momentary bubble would surface.Every now and then, a duck would fly down to the crystal liquid, shattering the glass-like image. When the water would become still, all peace seemed to be restored, all worries sucked out of you as though the lake was a vacuum cleaner.

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Excellent work. Very descriptive. Great job!

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  • 1 decade ago

    Pretty good. I definately see a calming scene here. Watch your verb tenses. You are mixing past tense like glimmered and sparkled, with swimming and shattering. And you can remove some punctuation to make some compound sentences. Like this:

    The lake glimmered and sparkled as the sunlight became more intense, the water so clear it was like looking through a glass window.

    Below it, in the watery depths that never seemed to end, multiple schools of fish swam about and sometimes a momentary bubble surfaced.

    Every now and then, a duck would land on the crystal liquid and shatter the glass-like image.

    When the water would become still, all peace seemed to be restored, all worries sucked out of you as though the lake was a vacuum cleaner.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Well written. A Little verbose.

    Alternatively...

    The ever increasing intensity of the sunlight made the water surface sparkle brighter. The clear water resembled a window pane, trough which we could peep into the darker depths of the lake. Multiple schools of fish swimming in the depth would occasionally throw a small bubble to the surface. Often, a stray duck would fly down and shatter the glass pane like surface. Once the water becomes still, all peace seem to restore, and as we watch this we feel all our worries are sucked out as if the lake was a vacuum cleaner of sorts.

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  • I think you are trying for a serious, reflective tone so some of the imagery should be changed because there are some humorous aspects to the terms "momentary bubble" and "worries sucked out.. a vacuum cleaner."

    You have a nice style but it needs to be honed, You have a nice rough draft and much better writing than most ppl. Here is my advice for changes:

    "looking through glass window" : cliche, but if you want to keep, "glass" is unnecessary

    "watery depths": cliche

    "multiple schools" --> delete "multiple"

    sometimes a bubble would surface and would last but a moment before it popped

    "glass-like image" ==> mirrored image?

    When the water stilled, peace was restored.

    delete the vaccuum cleaner part.

    but I see your point about the lake removing your worries... that's nice to leave in but I'm not sure where

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  • 1 decade ago

    Not bad, really. Nice imagery nad there was a peaceful flow nearly all the way through. There are some very minor issues, but your age/grade tend to cancel those issues out, so long as they don't become habit. I enjoyed the paragraph right up to the end, where the peaceful images were shattered like a bullet shatters glass when you brought in the vacuum cleaner. Sorry, but you asked... :)

    Source(s): Life BTDT
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  • johson
    Lv 4
    4 years ago

    i like your imagery very lots. I additionally like the way your sentences flow as they do, frequently separated by using mere semi-colons, reflecting the merging mutually of the earth and heavens. very staggering. you have a sublimely lyrical style of writing (which may be why certainly one of your responders questioned if maybe this may be a poem), a sort that i discover is an increasing sort of uncommon between childrens at present (least of all as youthful as 14!). the only suggestion i could furnish is to maybe reconsider the word "met into one." you're able to as a replace say "met as one," or "merged into one." in any different case, you have written a compelling descriptive paragraph, certainly one of surprisingly extreme high quality interior (or perhaps previous) your age team.

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  • 1 decade ago

    That looks like A+ material. It is very descriptave. Is it for a poetry project or are you reading some kind of book and you need to describe a scene?

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  • 1 decade ago

    Love it i could just picture the lake and the nature. your on your way to becoming a great writer

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  • 1 decade ago

    I like it. But if it is the first paragraph, i think you should get right to the point in the second paragraph.

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  • 1 decade ago

    It sounds great although I might change the last portion that begins with " ...all worries sucked...".

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