520
Lv 4
520 asked in Family & RelationshipsFriends · 1 decade ago

My friend passed away today.......?

I knew he was dying,He did not volunteer to tell me, I noticed the signs, but his wife did not, he was leaving a couple of days to have cemo treatments,( his wife thought he was cheating when he left the house) His wife end up leaving him, still not knowing the real truth, He even told his doctor not to tell her,he died from bone cancer I kept his secret until now.( I told him many times to tell his wife. Was I wrong for keeping his secret ?

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    First let me say how sorry I am for your loss. Your friend was truly blessed to have a friend like you. Not only did you have to deal with the fact that you were so in tune with your friend that you knew he was dying without him telling you, but you also had to watch his wife leave him because she believed that he was falsely carrying on an affair.

    My husband and I had a friend that died of cancer a few years back. At the end, he was so mean to his family, it was hard to see him doing that to them. Fortunately his wife knew him well enough to know that he thought that he was doing out of kindness to them. He thought that if he could make them hate him that in some way his passing would be easier on them. He did it out of love. His wife and daughters, thank God, knew and understood this.

    Do not feel guilty for not telling his wife the truth, it was not your truth to tell. He too may have decided it was best for his wife to think badly of him so that his death would not be so hard on her. Unfortunately, she will probably, yes be angry with him for letting her believe a lie and not telling her the truth, but also she will probably feel an overwhelming sense of guilt for having believed that he was having an affair and not being there for him during his treatment and death. Her feelings will be intensified because HE took the opportunity to say goodbye away from her. I hope that she sees a Grief Counselor very quickly.

    The best way that you could honor your friend is by supporting his Widow through her time of grief. If she knows that you knew that he had cancer and she didn't, she will probably turn her anger on you right at first. Just gently explain to her that he told you and his doctor that you were not to diclose the information to anyone and you needed to honor his wishes. As time goes by and with counseling, she will understand that the decision was her husbands and his alone.

    You have no need to seek forgiveness for honoring a dying man's wishes. None of us can say how we would handle ourselves in that situation until we go through it ourselves.

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  • 1 decade ago

    First off, I am truly sorry for your loss.

    Second off, I think you did the right thing keeping the secret. He was dying and his wish was for his wife to now know. So, to be a good friend, you granted his wish. That is what a good friend does. You did not do anything wrong. If he wanted his wife to know, I am sure he would have told her, had the doctor tell her, or have you tell her. But, as you said, he did not want her to know. You did nothing wrong, and should be proud of yourself for being such a good friend

    =]

    Again, I am very sorry for your loss.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Oh my, I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

    What a position to be put in. There are so many questions to ask before one could truly answer this.

    Did he love his wife? If it had been me, I would have told her but you must understand that this was a very difficult decision for you and you did what you felt was right at the time. You cannot second guess what is already past.

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  • 1 decade ago

    I am so sorry for your loss, but I do not think you where wrong for telling his wife. It was his health and he should have been the one to tell her.. he even took steps to inform his doctor not to inform her... there must have been a reason only he knew that he did not want to share his deteriorating health .... do not let it bother you that you did not open your mouth...he did not.... just be as supportive as you can now....

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  • 1 decade ago

    I am so sorry for your loss. No, you did not do anything wrong by not telling his wife. He should have been the one to tell her. It was his health problem. But I understand that he probably did not want her to suffer after he died.

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  • 1 decade ago

    The times he left the house should match the doctor's visits. This doesn't mean he didn't go to a strip club afterwards, but it stands to reason that after kemo you might not have the engergy for this. So, she should probably cut the guy some slack. After all he's dead. What a grump. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

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  • .
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    I probably would have told her BUT I understand why you didn't. It's too late now and there is no reason for you to beat yourself up over it. Your friend has reasons for not telling her and you should just remind yourself that he didn't want her told.

    Sorry for your loss ;-(

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Yes, you were wrong for keeping that a secret.

    He was wrong for keeping that a secret from his wife.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Yes. If someone was leaving the mortal world and never to return wouldn't you want to say goodbye. It was selfish of him to keep it secret, but you sould have told her

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  • 4 years ago

    I'm so sorry about you loss - thoughts and prayers for you and the family involved.

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