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Do you think this is a good suspense paragraph for a 7th grader? What should i add?

A Race Against Time

Lana tripped as she sprinted up the steep spiral staircase to get away from the dark figure that was only seconds behind her. Once she had reached the top of the stairs, she bolted through her parent’s bedroom door. With no hesitance, Lana leaped on top of the bed and franticly push the attic door open. She struggled as she tried to pull herself up into the small, dark attic, but it was no use; she just didn’t have the strength. Since she was in a race against time and she could hear the person advancing up the stairs faster and faster she had to think of another plan… QUICK! She hurried over to the window and tried to tug it open; she succeeded. She kicked out the screen, and was half way out of the widow when she felt a hand grasp her ankle.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    good structure...good use of action/suspense descriptions...however...there's too many thing going one for just one paragraph...break it up some and you'll have, like 4 paragraphs to start yer story...

    good luck...

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